Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It hurts to know so much

Last night I went to check on Karly and found her deep in thought about something while she was getting ready for bed.  I could tell she had something on her mind just by the way she was going about her business.  In fact, her mind was almost speaking out loud.  When I asked her what she was thinking about, she said, "Mom...(long pause) do you think the baby is going to be okay?"  I said, "Definitely, I do, honey."  And she started talking about her close friend at school whose mom just had a baby boy a couple weeks ago and how she wanted that so bad.  "Hope is just so lucky."

Yes, Hope is lucky.  But only you know how lucky she is, sweet girl.  Hope loves her new baby brother for sure, but she doesn't have the slightest idea how incredibly lucky she is.  And I wish you didn't know either, baby girl.  Karly said, "It's not fair, mom."  I know.  It most definitely is not fair, but you will get to hold this baby brother very soon.  "But mom I have to wait like 6 months or something and that is just so long."  Well, not quite that long but you get to feel him move in my tummy and talk to him and you'll get to hold him in your arms soon enough.  You just have to wait a little bit longer, honey.

This is the strangest thing about this pregnancy.  Not only for me, but for all of us, in some ways it seems like a continuation of Chase's pregnancy.  I don't know why it feels that way.  The time between Chase being born and getting pregnant again certainly was real.  It was painful.  And it was long (or so it seemed).  But now that I am pregnant and with big belly, it seems like I've been pregnant the whole time and we are still waiting for this baby to come out.  Why?  We all miss Chase and talk about him and ache for him daily.  It's not like he's still in my tummy at all.  I have heart-to-heart convos with Reese & Emma, too, about missing Chase and longing for this baby, but not wanting to forget Chase.  This feeling is odd and a struggle for us all.  But this is how we operate.  And, as tough as it is, we are making the most of it.  Loving our angel in heaven.....yet dreaming of holding our next one that is on his way to earth in due time.   


  1. It feels so long because we had dreams for 9 months that went unfulfilled. Lots of waiting, with no reward. We feel the same way. Hoping this pregnancy goes quickly, for all of you. She is right, it isn't fair. What a hard lesson for us to learn, let alone, teach our children.

  2. Oh Christy.I just read your last three posts. I hear your heart. How so hard this must be for all of you. I'm so joyful to hear of your rainbow baby in belly. Congrats!!! I can't imagine the mix of emotions you feel so often. Joy and sorrow all bunched up into one package. I hold brokenhearted love for you today and will be thinking of Chase and praying for your family as I light my candle tomorrow remembering him and all the babies in Heaven.

  3. It does feel long because we never got to bring those babies home and love them and watch them grow like we should. It isn't fair and it isn't right.

  4. It's so hard watching the kids deal- when I was pregnant with the twins, after every appointment Lili would ask if they were still alive :(