Sometimes I forget. I get so used to these kicks in my growing tummy and feeling them all throughout the day, every day, and I forget that I am the only one who has these constant reminders of this angel that is soon to be gracing our arms, our home, our hearts. I spent the morning with Emma last Friday in the doctor's office waiting to have a terrible rash of hers looked at, which turned out to be an allergy. But I was grateful for the alone time we spent together. We read, we talked, she watched some TV but mostly we talked. She was very emotional and I thought this had maybe brought on or aggravated her rash, she was so emotional. She wanted reassurance, or guarantee, that the baby was going to be fine. And then she wanted just to talk about Chase. She didn't want Chase to be forgotten when we brought this baby home. Chase was/is her little brother. He reminded us all of her and she was so proud of that. This was very special to her and she didn't want that to ever go away....even though everything feels so distant the more time passes. I tried to share with her my experience with this pregnancy....my reassurances, my signs from Chase, my peacefulness, the physical signs, the kicks, the messages that this baby was sending me. These things I feel constantly. I wish I could give her all those things that I have that help me feel peace, but I can't. I put her hand on my tummy and she patiently waited and felt the baby kick and a glow instantly appeared on her face. I told her that when this baby was born and when she held him in her arms the first time that her heart would heal in so many ways. I promised her that Chase would be there with us to share that moment and to help her, too, feel that it was OK to love this new little baby like we so badly want to love him, Chase that is. I want her to feel OK with these emotions like I do, but I forget what it's like to not have any thing to feel to remind me of Chase. Because I feel him all the time around me with this new little one. She asked me what if this baby looks a lot different from Chase, are we going to forget him? I told her this baby needs his own identity. But he is most certainly, in my opinion, a gift. A gift that Chase has helped bring us. And for this reason, Chase is always in our hearts and our minds when we prepare for and bring this baby home. Which I am most positive that we will.
But these are things we talk about. I share my feelings with her in hopes that she, too, will feel some of the same things. Because the pain is too close to think of this pregnancy any other way. There are lots of things I am worried about and scared of but I strongly feel that we need to help ourselves get through this waiting part. I can't even begin to explain how much I love feeling this baby kick me. It is purely amazing when he is going crazy in there. With the other 4 pregnancies, I never EVER thought of it the way I do now. I never appreciated it or loved it or cherished all those movements and "totally bizarre" kicks. They were just a part of being pregnant. But now I absolutely adore them. It is the coolest thing ever and I am so lucky to be carrying this little guy with me every day 24/7. I can't imagine when he is born and I have to share him with Patric & the kids! That's sometimes how I feel, honestly. Not realistic, I know, but I love carrying him right now that much. I love him that much. And I can't wait until he is part of us....on the outside, too. Thank you Chase. You are my sweet angel, my sweet baby boy. I love you so much.