Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Moving On

That post title does not mean I am moving on after Chase. I am stuck in time with him. That one thing is motionless, while everything else around it keeps moving, he is frozen in time and I miss him every day with every bone in my body. I should be a whole year into his life soon...watching him learn to walk and listening to his first words and watching his big sisters and big brother entertain him and care for him. I never stop thinking about those things. And then I look at his picture and I am taken back. To those 4 days of excitement, fear, hope, sadness and confusion and it feels as though time has stood still.

I don't see this changing, though eventually, I'm told, it will. But what has moved on is life as we know it. I have moved on with life. I laugh with my children, with my husband. I learn things about myself. I love like there is no tomorrow. I feel things ever so acutely. I empathize with people, things, situations. I am sometimes amazed at how I am able to move past things that, before Chase died, I would have dwelled on, fretted about, stewed over....for weeks. I don't do that anymore. My adult relationships have changed. That's because my needs have changed. Things that I say, feel or do are not justified always. I can't explain "why" when it comes to my feelings. When they get hurt, I make sure it won't happen again. And if that means moving on and not looking back, then that is what I do. I protect myself much better than I ever did before. Or maybe I have a little extra help from up above, I don't know. I don't need anyone to understand me. There is no reason for that because there is no way they ever will. And as a result, I have no desire to explain myself. I go on because I have to. This, I have learned.

I miss my sweet boy. Every moment of every day, I miss him.


  1. That was a beautiful post. No need to explain a thing. I, myself, like to call it moving forward rather than moving on. But that's my personal feeling for my personal journey. I'm glad you are able to laugh with your husband and children. It's important to continue with your life and it's amazing how we don't dwell on things we would have before our losses. My prayers are with you. *hugs*

  2. Wow Christy, I can totally relate to this post. I know what you mean about feeling things, empathizing with people, and about moving past things that you would have dwelled on in the past. Chase has touched your life in so many ways and will always be with you. He has shown you how to love deeper as my babies have shown me. Missing sweet Chase with you!

  3. Totally get what you're saying and I live it too. I don't dwell on things and there are many things that are much sweeter to me now. We've moved on with living our lives but we'll never move on from her.