Saturday, March 20, 2010

Not in the mood

We took the kids to Albuquerque this weekend to watch Walking with Dinosaurs. We went to the Children's Museum and thought we might catch the zoo, too, but the weather had other plans for us. Instead, before heading home we stopped at the mall to take care of some exchanges we needed to make and one of them was in GapKids.

I didn't need to go in BabyGap, we were strictly in the kids' side but the checkout counter is the divider between the two stores. There were so many cute things that kept catching my eye and I always wonder what I would be stealing from the budget to buy Chase from these kinds of stores. I wanted to be sad that I didn't shop in babyGap anymore because my kids are too big for it. I wanted to be sad that I didn't shop there because Reese refuses to "dress up" in jeans and anything with buttons. But I don't get that privilege. I hate that I don't shop in that store because I can't bear the site of the things I should be showing off my baby boy in. I hate that I don't have a reason to shop there because my son is gone. Standing in that store, looking at those things is torture to me. And what is worse, I did this to myself, I snatched a super soft, tiny stuffed blue elephant at the counter as the clerk was checking me out and asked her if I could buy that, too. As luck would have it, it had no price tag. Of course she couldn't look on the other tags of the same brand of animals to see that it was $5.50. She had to look at every book behind the counter to find the right "number" for it. And when she couldn't find it, she had to call her manager to look through the same books only then to go to the "back" to see if they had any more back there with the tag on it. We stood there for probably 20 minutes waiting but I had to have this elephant. I wasn't exactly sure why. I used to always buy these little stuffed animals from Gap when the kids were babies. They were just the right size for them to hold as babies and for some reason lovely to chew/suck on. Gross, I know, but this elephant reminded me of that. It reminded me of my babies that have grown up. It also reminded me of my baby that would never grow up. I had to have it and standing there waiting for the stupid clerk to find the right number was like twisting the knife that has been stuck in my heart for 11 months and a day now. Especially when she looked at Karly and asked who it was for. I guess she didn't hear her when Karly asked me if it was for Chase and if we were going to send it up to him in heaven on a balloon. And then, as the timing was impeccable, the "funeral home guy" calls to tell me the proof for the monument is in. Lovely. While I'm busy wasting time with a @*$&# clerk buying a stupid $5 toy for my son whose headstone is waiting for my approval to be carved. Tears welled up in my eyes but I couldn't leave without my baby's soft toy.

Just weeks away from Chase's birthday. I can't even explain how sad this is. That time is going so fast and that our littlest Pearson is not here to share it with us.


  1. I totally understand... I bought 2 little boy outfits at Gap when I was there last month... I knew Kaelen wasn't here to wear them but I just had to... Luckily my husband didn't look at me like I was crazy and they went into the pile with his clothes... It just didn't feel right buying Marrah a bunch of clothes and nothing for him... Hopefully someday there'll be a little brother to wear them. Big hugz.

  2. Christy,

    Sweetie, I'm so sorry. You have me in tears today. I haven't been writing. This pregnancy has had me missing Ethan so much it hurts to breath somedays. Thought it would be so easy but it's not. Nothing about losing your baby is easy. I went out yesterday and started my garden. Planted my tomatoes and my strawberries and got my hands in the dirt. Felt good! We transferred Ethan's tree to a beautiful pot. Right after we planted it a beautiful blue belly lizard appeared.Not only appeared but literally hung out around the tree for the entire day. My ten year old noticed it too and said," Mom! I think it's Ethan!" I was having a weepy day yesterday and the thought that Ethan was there with me made me smile and feel so much better. I don't really have a point Christy. Just to say that I know how bad it hurts. And sometimes it is the little things that mean SO much. SO whether it's your stuffed elephant or my garden with the matters. Our sons matter.
    Sending you love and hugs!!!

  3. Sometimes I feel like I torture myself because I want so badly to buy Adelle something, then I do, and it just sits at home, unused, reminding me she is gone. So sorry, *hugs*

  4. I hurt for you not because I understand, but because I can only imagine. I often walk through the baby isle at stores but I figured that was my mind telling me I'm ready to try again, when I first lost Vayden I wouldnt go near them. His birthday coming can play a huge role in your feelings, but you really are so strong and so sweet, you have a perfect way of sharing your feelings and I'm always proud of you. I know I don't comment on every post, but I do read every post you write.

  5. My thoughts are with you as Chase's birthday approaches. *hugs*