Thursday, March 11, 2010

Lost in Time

I don't know how I'm doing lately. I feel weird. I have felt different the past week or two and I don't know why. I can't say that I feel good, but I do feel that this roller coaster ride is about to dip. Soon. I haven't shed many tears lately. That is odd. I feel like they are close, but they are not falling right now. I don't feel any peace. I don't feel normal. As usual, I feel like the facade I am displaying is very believable. But it's completely fake. I don't know if I feel numb. I don't think about Chase any less. I think of him all day long, when I fall asleep at night, when I wake up in the morning and a thousand times in between. I still miss him...but some days it feels so unreal. Like, did it really happen? It feels like yesterday, but yet so long ago. It's so hard to explain.

I don't know why I feel this way. It is unsettling. I doubt so many things about myself....am I good mother? A good wife? A good homemaker? A good ANYthing? I can take compliments, but I don't believe them. Not at all. I have no confidence in me right now, or who I am. I don't even know that person. Sometimes it feels like the old me almost, but I know that person died with Chase, so it can't be. I'm confused. I'm lost..... Hoping the dip in this ride comes and goes quickly....just waiting.

7 comments:

  1. I remember feeling way too. You will come out of it. It will get better.

    Hugs,
    Trisha

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  2. The dips in grief can be so hard. I cry a lot and sometimes I just get teary eyed. I say that the tears are just waiting to spill over. I too have so much doubt. Thinking about you during this time. xx

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  3. Praying for your comfort and strength. ((HUGS))

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  4. It is so hard Christy, but I think part of it may be just trying to learn to live with part of missing. It is just so hard. xx

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  5. I hope it passes quickly too.

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  6. I feel in a similar place. I describe it as a "doubting" phase. I wonder if I will ever be good at anything again, and feel like I have failed in every way. The only thing I have gotten good at is just "going with the flow" and wondering what will happen next...

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  7. ditto, Christy. thinking of you.

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