I have been busy. Busy with a lot of things that I need to do....and don't need to do. Busying my time, maybe. Spring is here, the hummingbirds singing, the flowers blooming, we have started T-ball and Allie is white again after the rain showers we had yesterday!
But still, there is a cloud. It seems to be looming. It has been, for me, the last 6 weeks. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure what it is even. I am confused by the calmness that I have been enveloped in. A sort of calm before the storm, I anticipate.
I have not had much emotion...but it is coming. Little by little. I have felt protected in some ways these last weeks. A sort of peacefulness that I my little one has laid over me. I have felt this way, yet I can't really explain it.
This is a big reason I haven't posted lately. I couldn't really find the words to describe my mood, my behaviors, my feelings, my thoughts. It's complicated, yet simple. Reese has started T-ball and the whole family has had a blast watching him get his time to shine finally. And I can't help but think what his little brother would be doing the whole time, too. It hurts to let those thoughts enter my mind, but makes me smile, too. And most of the time, whatever it is we are doing, I feel him there with us. He is in my peripherals everywhere we go. Like I can't focus on him, but I see him out of the corner of my eye. He's there. I know it. I just can't see him or touch him. But he's with us. Always.
Thank you to the many many people who love us and are sending us their thoughts and prayers this week. It's sad to see you hurt for us. I wish it wasn't so. But we have received gifts and blessings from those where were a part of Chase's life and those who weren't...and those on this journey with us. There is comfort in this tragedy. Somehow, we will heal from this. As tomorrow approaches and the rest of this week, we love each other with every breath we take. We feel Chase in our hearts and see him in our minds with everything we do. He will always be with us.