Saturday, January 30, 2010

The art of going crazy

I thought I'd be approaching the year anniversary of Chase's death with a mountain of grace and dignity because I had been on a rollercoaster of emotions that had subsided and I had gotten used to. Truth is I am about 2 1/2 months away and I do not feel any less stricken with grief than last April. I miss Chase with every ounce of my body. My heart aches as it did when he died. I can't believe he is gone some days and some days his absence chills me to the very core. I went to an antique shop today and saw a John Deer poster in the most god-awful wooden frame with two little boys peeing on the tire of an old tractor and I almost bought it. It is wierd to me how differently I look at everything; things that before Chase died I never would have looked twice at, now catch my eye and make me think of him.
I read a post this morning from Hannah's mom that I was so glad I read. She gave me a new way to think of Chase and for that I am grateful. I need things like that to hold on remind me of the good help give me a little bit of peace, if possible, about losing Chase. Because the grace is wearing thin. My dignity is about to jump, or be thrown, out the window...and I'm not sure I am able to stop it.
I have written about my opinion of Facebook before and even though I cut off my account, I have peaked in once or twice in the last 8 months. I don't need it, but I got bored and decided So anyway, after being disappointed (read: hurt) by some things I saw, a thought went through my mind....."if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Right? I mean, the exact thing I despise about the application, might be just what I need. I have never posted my story about Chase on this blog because I am going through legal proceedings against my doctor. My doctor who is/was a very close friend. In a very small town. So what happened to us is the elephant in the room, or this town, if you will. It has affected my friendships. It has affected my life. And because I can never get away from it, it is starting to affect my sanity.
I have tried to hold my head high and be proud of my little angel. But maintaining a certain level of dignity has been very hard in this small town. Even before any litigation was pursued, my doctor never spoke to me after Chase died. He never checked on me medically or as a friend and I was extremely hurt by that. I was extremely upset by the events that took place, too, though so it was a very complicated time. And since it is a small town, everyone around me has moved on right before my very eyes. And as if it needed to be more pronounced, Facebook is a perfect avenue to prove that. But today I have had inklings to reappear in that world and use it to voice my frustrations. Vent, so-to-speak, outLOUD. I know it will be seen because everyone sees everything. That's what Facebook is for. That's exactly why I don't like Facebook but in this case, maybe that's what I need. An extra loud voice to be heard extra clear. Remove the elephant in the room, right? I want everyone to know what happened to me. I want them to know. ....... But am I losing my dignity by doing that? Am I lowering myself to someone else's standards? Would it make me feel better? Help....


  1. Do you think the doctor would sue you for posting some things on Facebook? That would be the only thing I would worry about. If you need to warn other women about something he did that cost Chase his life than maybe it's a good thing you that you do post your feelings on Facebook. It would also probably help others to understand what you went through and are still going through as a result of that doctor's actions. I do understand very well the small town mentality and how this can divide friends and neighbours and I'm sorry you're experiencing this kind of thing on top of losing Chase. However, if you risk anything that could make you end up losing your lawsuit, I would hold off until it's over and then print a copy of the coroner's report and the judge's findings and post it to your Facebook page. Sending you hugs

  2. I think other than what Margaret said about a lawsuit that if you feel comfortable doing so and would get some sort of comfort from doing so or would help others then go ahead. I hold back alot on facebook too because I too live in a small town and Im not sure how I would feel about my neighbor knowing some of the most intimate details of my life. But then again, Im not in a legal battle either. Good luck with whatever you choose and your lawsuit. *HUGS*

  3. Christy,
    I'm so sorry. I too understand the small town mentality. And facebook, well, I don't even go there. You are exactly right, it's like a public broadcast that everyone else's life moves on as always while your's flips upside down a thousand times a day. Today, Laynee's birthday, the world of facebook went on without a hitch while we struggled for every breath in all the pain of celebrating our baby's birthday without her.
    As for trying to get your story about the doctor out through fb, I have to say I don't think it's a good idea. Written words are often misinterpreted as they lack intonation and expression. If this doc is a threat to the well being of other women and babies, that truth will come out though the suit, we hope. It will then become public. Other than that, what is the point of telling all on fb?
    I know how desperately you want to get it all out there, to scream and shout, rant and rave. I know!!!! But trying to drag someone down, no matter how wrong they are, never really makes us feel better. I have a little saying that I refer to often in times like this. "I rarely regret anything I do not say, but I've regretted much of what I did say." Once it's out there, you can't take it back.
    Is there a reason that you cannot post your story here? It would seem to me that your followers here will all be very supportive of you and it could serve as an outlet.
    Don't lose your faith Christy. Our hope is in Christ alone. Our only HOPE of seeing our babies again is in Him. That HOPE is all there is.
    Lifting you up in prayer right now.

  4. Oh Christy....(sigh)
    Facebook is like a two year old. It has the attention span of a knat but can do ALOT of damage in those two seconds! I admire your spark...Your fiestiness. You have strength girl even if you're not believing in it or seeing it right now. WE all see it! Use your blog to vent...we'll all listen. Cry and scream and kick here....we'll hold you up and we'll be here for you. Don't lower yourself to Facebook ranting. I know the pain is more than you can bear somedays. I miss my little Ethan. I still have venom running through my veins for what traspired the days around and after his death. But my love for him is greater than the hate and the anger. Just as I know that your love for Chase is all consuming and never-ending!
    One day your legal battle will be over and then you can raise some hell girl!!
    Hugs and love to you always!

  5. I grew up in a small town and live in an even smaller one. Everybody always knows everyone else's business it seems. With everything that is going on with legal stuff it would prolly be best not to post anything about it on FB just to be safe.

  6. I live in a small town so I know how friendships can be affected. I understand why you haven't posted Chase's story although someday I hope you will be able to.

    Sending you love and strength! xo

  7. I think momentarily it might make you feel better, but you might quickly fall from that high and feel worse then you already do. By giving in and letting your true feelings show (not that there is anything wrong with how you feel), you might be letting others win. You showing your weaknesses, your cracks might be a way for others to hurt you more. You don't need those people in your life. If they couldn't be of support of you through the good and the bad, they don't deserve to be in your life. You are a brave, strong, incredible woman. You have more grace then anyone on Facebook who has hurt you. Be the bigger person, and continue to fight through this struggle of heartbreak and grief. Everyone has an opinion about everything, and no matter what you say, they will have an opinion on it. Chances are, if they haven't been caring and supportive up until now, they certainly won't be with how you are truly feeling.

    I hope one day you'll be ready to open up about Chase's story, but understand why you can't at this time. I hope this journey through litigation is smooth and over soon. I can only imagine how that is hindering your healing process. What an awful situation.