I thought I'd be approaching the year anniversary of Chase's death with a mountain of grace and dignity because I had been on a rollercoaster of emotions that had subsided and I had gotten used to. Truth is I am about 2 1/2 months away and I do not feel any less stricken with grief than last April. I miss Chase with every ounce of my body. My heart aches as it did when he died. I can't believe he is gone some days and some days his absence chills me to the very core. I went to an antique shop today and saw a John Deer poster in the most god-awful wooden frame with two little boys peeing on the tire of an old tractor and I almost bought it. It is wierd to me how differently I look at everything; things that before Chase died I never would have looked twice at, now catch my eye and make me think of him.
I read a post this morning from Hannah's mom that I was so glad I read. She gave me a new way to think of Chase and for that I am grateful. I need things like that to hold on to...to remind me of the good things....to help give me a little bit of peace, if possible, about losing Chase. Because the grace is wearing thin. My dignity is about to jump, or be thrown, out the window...and I'm not sure I am able to stop it.
I have written about my opinion of Facebook before and even though I cut off my account, I have peaked in once or twice in the last 8 months. I don't need it, but I got bored and decided to....um....snoop. So anyway, after being disappointed (read: hurt) by some things I saw, a thought went through my mind....."if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Right? I mean, the exact thing I despise about the application, might be just what I need. I have never posted my story about Chase on this blog because I am going through legal proceedings against my doctor. My doctor who is/was a very close friend. In a very small town. So what happened to us is the elephant in the room, or this town, if you will. It has affected my friendships. It has affected my life. And because I can never get away from it, it is starting to affect my sanity.
I have tried to hold my head high and be proud of my little angel. But maintaining a certain level of dignity has been very hard in this small town. Even before any litigation was pursued, my doctor never spoke to me after Chase died. He never checked on me medically or as a friend and I was extremely hurt by that. I was extremely upset by the events that took place, too, though so it was a very complicated time. And since it is a small town, everyone around me has moved on right before my very eyes. And as if it needed to be more pronounced, Facebook is a perfect avenue to prove that. But today I have had inklings to reappear in that world and use it to voice my frustrations. Vent, so-to-speak, outLOUD. I know it will be seen because everyone sees everything. That's what Facebook is for. That's exactly why I don't like Facebook but in this case, maybe that's what I need. An extra loud voice to be heard extra clear. Remove the elephant in the room, right? I want everyone to know what happened to me. I want them to know. ....... But am I losing my dignity by doing that? Am I lowering myself to someone else's standards? Would it make me feel better? Help....