Thursday, January 14, 2010

9 months

Today you would be nine months old. Wow. The older I get, the faster time travels. Though part of time stopped when you left us, the other part keeps on. It has gotten a little easier to live, but the pain has not lessened. It hurts to breathe some days. Somedays we talk about you and smile, though inside, we are crying with a broken heart.
I still do not have your head stone. It's something I have thought about almost as often as I think about you. You are buried 6 hours away from us and though I'm not sure, nor will I ever be, that was the right thing to do, I know "Top" is hangin' out with you, teaching you the things I can't. (Please let them be good, Top!) Today I found "you". I have only been to Bangs twice, once to bury your great grandfather and the other to lay you to rest, so my memory of the cemetery is faded. But today I found the cemetery and I cried. The internet is a place of endless resource, but never did I expect I would need it like I do now. For the reason I do now. The cemetery really is pretty. Just like I hoped it would be. It just feels so far away. But I "fixed" up your virtual memorial the moment I found it, first by taking charge of your name, then I started putting things in place. I plan to add to it. I plan to check in on it often, since I can't visit your marker in person. And soon, very soon, I will get your stone and your daddy will put it in place. We have talked about it quite a bit and I have something in mind. I wish you were here. Obviously I wish you were here, but I wish we buried you closer so I could visit you more often. I have felt lost since the day you left, but part of it is because we buried you so far away. We found comfort in knowing Grandad would be taking care of you and spending a lot of time with you, for us. We just didn't know what we were supposed to do.
So on your 9-month birthday, know how much we miss you. Know how much we care about you. Know how much a part of our lives you are. Sweet dreams little man. Sweet dreams.


  1. Happy nine month birthday, Chase!

  2. Happy 9 months little one.

    I visited the memorial. I think it is awesome. I said a little prayer and left flowers.


  3. It's been almost 2 years and we still haven't picked out a headstone for Nate. Not sure if we'll ever be ready. It's something that no mother ever wants to do.

    Right there with you my friend.



  4. Picking out a headstone was definitely a hard thing to do. We didn't know if what we put on it was right, if we should have done more, done less, so many things went through our minds. Once it was finished, seeing it for the first time was hard. It is still hard seeing it. Seeing their names on it is really tough. Seeing it makes it so much more real. You will do it when you are ready, and it will be perfect.

    Happy 9 month birthday little guy. *hugs* to your mommy on this tough day.

  5. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your precious baby. My baby's marker is on Find a Grave and I look at it often - she is 2 hours away from us. It makes me feel closer to her.Again, I send my sympathy and prayers to all of you.
    Blessings, Sarita Boyette

  6. Oh sweet Christy....I don't even know what to say. I have had an emotional month and haven't even been able to put any words down on my blog.I admire you for writing and for sharing. I wish I could hug you ....just know that I check on you everyday and I am sending you love and hugs!!!

  7. Happy 9 months Chase. Saying prayers for you.

  8. Thinking of you Christy, and your family, and sweet Chase. Wishing he was with you for his nine months. Much love to you.