A friend asked me recently how my Christmas holiday was--how it really was for me. I told her that it was one of the hardest days of my life; I told her it was happy, but mostly sad for me. But i also told her that in spite of the heartache and hard times, I am one of the luckiest people alive. I count my blessings every second of every day for what I do have and those in my life.
There are times when I look at our three here with us and think how full our lives are; how busy our lives are, what all we do have in our lives. Then there are times when I look at the five of us and get overwhelmed by the depth of what is missing and it feels like there is the larger-than-life hole in the middle of all of us--like there is a huge blur in our picture somewhere and you can't see what it is, unless you look, really look, at each of us. The magnitude of it is that it could be any one of us six that is gone. And there we are, trying to go on with our lives, yet knowing, feeling, the absence of one very special person in our family.
And then I have days where I smile. A lot. And I am so thankful that I have three kids here with me to make me smile. Because what if I didn't have them? I wonder how I could smile like this. It feels so good to watch these guys and see them smile at me because I really do have reason to also. I love my kids more than anything. And I love that they make me smile....even on days when I don't think I can.