The art of going crazy

I thought I'd be approaching the year anniversary of Chase's death with a mountain of grace and dignity because I had been on a rollercoaster of emotions that had subsided and I had gotten used to. Truth is I am about 2 1/2 months away and I do not feel any less stricken with grief than last April. I miss Chase with every ounce of my body. My heart aches as it did when he died. I can't believe he is gone some days and some days his absence chills me to the very core. I went to an antique shop today and saw a John Deer poster in the most god-awful wooden frame with two little boys peeing on the tire of an old tractor and I almost bought it. It is wierd to me how differently I look at everything; things that before Chase died I never would have looked twice at, now catch my eye and make me think of him.

I read a post this morning from Hannah's mom that I was so glad I read. She gave me a new way to think of Chase and for that I am grateful. I need things like that to hold on to...to remind me of the good things....to help give me a little bit of peace, if possible, about losing Chase. Because the grace is wearing thin. My dignity is about to jump, or be thrown, out the window...and I'm not sure I am able to stop it.

I have written about my opinion of Facebook before and even though I cut off my account, I have peaked in once or twice in the last 8 months. I don't need it, but I got bored and decided to....um....snoop. So anyway, after being disappointed (read: hurt) by some things I saw, a thought went through my mind....."if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Right? I mean, the exact thing I despise about the application, might be just what I need. I have never posted my story about Chase on this blog because I am going through legal proceedings against my doctor. My doctor who is/was a very close friend. In a very small town. So what happened to us is the elephant in the room, or this town, if you will. It has affected my friendships. It has affected my life. And because I can never get away from it, it is starting to affect my sanity.

I have tried to hold my head high and be proud of my little angel. But maintaining a certain level of dignity has been very hard in this small town. Even before any litigation was pursued, my doctor never spoke to me after Chase died. He never checked on me medically or as a friend and I was extremely hurt by that. I was extremely upset by the events that took place, too, though so it was a very complicated time. And since it is a small town, everyone around me has moved on right before my very eyes. And as if it needed to be more pronounced, Facebook is a perfect avenue to prove that. But today I have had inklings to reappear in that world and use it to voice my frustrations. Vent, so-to-speak, outLOUD. I know it will be seen because everyone sees everything. That's what Facebook is for. That's exactly why I don't like Facebook but in this case, maybe that's what I need. An extra loud voice to be heard extra clear. Remove the elephant in the room, right? I want everyone to know what happened to me. I want them to know. ....... But am I losing my dignity by doing that? Am I lowering myself to someone else's standards? Would it make me feel better? Help....

All wrapped up

It seems to come every month--that wave of emotions. Today they came. Of course some it is hormonal, but it's the spiral. That spiral of grief I am told about by others who have lost children that I am tired of. I don't want this feeling to keep coming back to me for the rest of my life. I don't want to be whipped around the curve only to be hit yet again by this emotional wave. This awful feeling of being punched in the gut, cut open, my heart ripped out of my chest, and beaten to a pulp. I want this feeling to go away. It hurts so bad....each and every time it comes around...it hurts just like it was yesterday. Because I miss my baby boy right now....but I know I will miss my baby boy turning 4 one day and playing ball with him. I will miss him turning 8 and going fishing with his dad. I will miss him turning 10 and going to ball tournaments. I will miss him turning 12 and playing ambush with his big brother. I will miss him turning 14 and his sisters giving him advice. I will miss him turning 18 and.....well, I never would have looked forward to him leaving home. And there is so much more after that. I am missing out on so much with him....

There is so much to think about, mentally I'm wiped out. Attorney crap, the gravemarker, trying to add on to our family....things on my mind that can get so overwhelming. And it's hard not to try yet being careful not to try too hard. Vulnerable as we are, it's tricky not to get too wrapped up in it all. When it was really nothing to get wrapped up in in the first place.

However, I read on babyloss blogs about a new life and what starts out as such excitement, encouragment and hope, quickly turns into "what about me?" After asking "why me?" for so long, now I ask "why not me?" When will it start to make sense? When will I get back on with my life? Why is this spiral sustaining itself? When am I going to wake up from this nightmare? I want so bad to fix this, to fix us, but I know so deeply that I cannot. So, then, I want to live. Live whatever life sends our way. I'm reading my Little Prince book, feeling comfort in that I think of Chase with every word in it. So I keep on. In the spiral that this path seems to be.

9 months

Today you would be nine months old. Wow. The older I get, the faster time travels. Though part of time stopped when you left us, the other part keeps on. It has gotten a little easier to live, but the pain has not lessened. It hurts to breathe some days. Somedays we talk about you and smile, though inside, we are crying with a broken heart.

I still do not have your head stone. It's something I have thought about almost as often as I think about you. You are buried 6 hours away from us and though I'm not sure, nor will I ever be, that was the right thing to do, I know "Top" is hangin' out with you, teaching you the things I can't. (Please let them be good, Top!) Today I found "you". I have only been to Bangs twice, once to bury your great grandfather and the other to lay you to rest, so my memory of the cemetery is faded. But today I found the cemetery and I cried. The internet is a place of endless resource, but never did I expect I would need it like I do now. For the reason I do now. The cemetery really is pretty. Just like I hoped it would be. It just feels so far away. But I "fixed" up your virtual memorial the moment I found it, first by taking charge of your name, then I started putting things in place. I plan to add to it. I plan to check in on it often, since I can't visit your marker in person. And soon, very soon, I will get your stone and your daddy will put it in place. We have talked about it quite a bit and I have something in mind. I wish you were here. Obviously I wish you were here, but I wish we buried you closer so I could visit you more often. I have felt lost since the day you left, but part of it is because we buried you so far away. We found comfort in knowing Grandad would be taking care of you and spending a lot of time with you, for us. We just didn't know what we were supposed to do.

So on your 9-month birthday, know how much we miss you. Know how much we care about you. Know how much a part of our lives you are. Sweet dreams little man. Sweet dreams.

love,

Another wave

This is my second post today....and it amazes me the range of motions in any given day. How I can go from being elated that I did a silly yoga pose, to cleaning the kids' rooms, to tidying up the baby dresser and crib, to sitting on my bed in shock and a wave of tears that I still can't believe my baby boy is gone--it's unreal. But then it's real.

I think I am in denial. I really do. When the magnitude of what has happened hits me, it is overwhelming. I can't believe one of our kids is gone. I don't want to believe it. I never got to bring him home, never got to dress him in his clothes, never got to....but yet I knew him so well. I remember how excited each of us was to meet him. I remember how blessed I was to be the one carrying him, growing him inside me, taking him with me wherever I go. To think that he is gone forever....I can't. I think I am still waiting for him to come home. I never had to clean out any of the baby stuff from the house. Being the fourth child, I had it down to the bare necessities what I needed set up. And it's all still there. I have not taken down teh crib, nor the dressing table and hutch. Several months ago I took the stroller and infant seat back out to the storage shed in the back yard, but it wasn't taht hard. I was just stowing it for later....when....what?

I went through the dressing table drawers this morning as I often do and there is all the baby shampoo, lotion, oil, some paci's, some nipples, burp cloths, nursing pads, tons of diapers and wipes...and I wondered how long some of that would "keep". Because in my mind, I'm going to use it. One day. I'm not sure when. Either when Chase comes home or we have another baby. But I'm not sure what I am hoping for more. And I have never thought about giving away any of it. I donated some opened packages of diapers that were handed down to me (disposables) to the church, but none of the new, unopened packages. I have not even considered it. And as I looked at them and wondered their longevity, I know that I still cannot even think about giving them to anyone. I suppose I could give it to my little sister--she's expecting. And that's about as removed as I can let Chase's stuff be. But I'm not even ready for that. And I don't see it anytime in the near future.

So I had that wave of grief hit me again. Sadness. Tears. The feeling of being punched in the gut. And I just miss him. I miss him. So. Much. I am sick, literally nauseous, that he is gone. I can't believe my baby, a human being, is missing from our family. That thought just shakes me to the very core. It's too much to handle some days. I still don't know how to sometimes.

And then one of my little yoga partners walks in. He gives me a hug and says, "Is it about Chase?" And I say, "yeah". And he gives me his signature 3 kisses....one for me, one for him and one for Chasey. So, yes, I guess I can handle it. With a little help. And some much needed sugar from my boys.

Yoga helpers

Nailed the wheel today AND the reverse triangle reach through on the left side. Yes!

Maybe it was extra the help I had ....

Woah--lower on the warrior 2...this is yoga X.

So much to smile about

A friend asked me recently how my Christmas holiday was--how it really was for me. I told her that it was one of the hardest days of my life; I told her it was happy, but mostly sad for me. But i also told her that in spite of the heartache and hard times, I am one of the luckiest people alive. I count my blessings every second of every day for what I do have and those in my life.

There are times when I look at our three here with us and think how full our lives are; how busy our lives are, what all we do have in our lives. Then there are times when I look at the five of us and get overwhelmed by the depth of what is missing and it feels like there is the larger-than-life hole in the middle of all of us--like there is a huge blur in our picture somewhere and you can't see what it is, unless you look, really look, at each of us. The magnitude of it is that it could be any one of us six that is gone. And there we are, trying to go on with our lives, yet knowing, feeling, the absence of one very special person in our family.

And then I have days where I smile. A lot. And I am so thankful that I have three kids here with me to make me smile. Because what if I didn't have them? I wonder how I could smile like this. It feels so good to watch these guys and see them smile at me because I really do have reason to also. I love my kids more than anything. And I love that they make me smile....even on days when I don't think I can.