We had a crazy morning. Actually, it didn't start out too crazy, but it was one of those that got away from us and we were scrambling at the end. The girls got up, different times, had breakfast while I showered. One got dressed, the other wasn't finished yet when I got out. I made their lunches, got dressed and fixed hair and it was time to go. Only Emma didn't have her "stuff" together. She had her homework done, just not put in her backpack and she knew she had swim today but she didn't have her things packed in her bag. And she couldn't find them, either. (I hope this sounds familiar to at least a few of you reading this...) As 8:00 arrives, our scheduled time to leave the house, the girls are not ready and I start to get a little extra demanding (does that sound not TOO mean?). Karly, who was all ready with everything except her shoes at 7:00 am, doesn't have, guess what, her shoes on and can't find them, either. When I say, "Find Them," rather harshly, she throws me some dagger looks and I get mad. She is the queen of dirty looks (yes, the princess I wrote about in my last post). So I decided to call her on this and told her that when she gives me those "nasty" looks, it makes me feel the same as if she was calling me mean names or something. I asked her to not do that. She said she was "having a bad morning" so I told her to tell me that, not give me those looks, and I'd help her. Anyway, we made up and obstacle #1 was behind us.
Now for the whammy. I am all over Emma for not having her school stuff ready and messing around wasting time, making us late for school. I tell her there are consequences for this, from the school, not just me and she needs to be responsible. She needs to have her cap, goggles and swim suit packed the night before, along with all of her homework so we don't have to go through this in the morning. I ask her if she can be responsible. She says, "Yes" and I can tell she knows she messed up. But then she says, "mom, do you get mad at me when you are angry about Chase?" Ouch. Crap--not what I wanted to send her off to school with....in about 3 minutes. I told her absolutely not (I hope so) and that I am always angry about Chase and will be, in some respect, the rest of my life. But I told her that she is what keeps me going every day. Because of her, (and her siblings, and her dad), I can make it through the day, even though I miss Chase so much. Without her, I tell her, I couldn't do it. I need her. I tell her I'm sorry that I got mad at her, but even though I am sad about Chase, I still have to be her mom and I still have to teach her to be responsible and that is what I'm trying to do. I gave her a big hug, wiped her tears, told her how much I loved her and walked her into school. We joked about a few things and she had a smile on when she walked into the classroom.
Ugh. She is one amazing kid. I talked to her teacher briefly when she walked to her desk and told her a little about our morning....and our lives. EJ was all okay when she went in. But it doesn't change the fact of what she's been through and what she knows and how she hurts, too. She has an awesome teacher who is very in tune to her and is aware of how special of a kid she is. I can't even begin to explain to my daughter what she means to me. But I can try to show her every day, while I'm still being mom, too.