Friday, September 11, 2009

Conversations with a heavy heart

Emma told me about a conversation she had on the bus ride home yesterday with the girl next to her. She said she told the little girl she liked her earings and the little girl said, "thanks." Then she started to talk to Emma and told her that her two brothers are sometimes just rotten to her and she can't stand it. Emma told the little girl that she's lucky because it's really harder to live without them and told her she lost one of her brothers. The little girl thought about it, told Emma she was sorry for her and said Emma was right.

I had a conversation tonight that I am not near as proud of, in fact I'm ashamed. I was talking to a mom I don't even know very well about our kids and their activities and I don't even remember how the conversation went in this direction but all I remember saying, and it keeps echoing in my mind over and over again, is "....we lost one in April." She acknowledged that she was aware of this and offered sympathy. I can't believe how emotionless I spoke. I can't believe how those words slipped out and I can't believe I was talking about my son. I must have sounded like a heartless, horrible mother. I am so completely ashamed of myself. It was like I knew I was going to say it and thought it would be the most "tactful" way to say it, but after I said it, I felt like it sounded like I was talking about a fricking dog. I hate myself for it. I can't believe I said that. I don't really care about the other mom, or how I sounded to her. I don't know her that well and I just don't care. But I feel so utterly rotten for having said something so careless about my son. He was here. He was real. He was our miracle...for the 4 days of his short life. And I feel like I just dismissed them. In one short brief, heartless sentence. And I can't take it back. Because there's no one here to take it back from. He's gone. And I'll never get him back. I'm sorry sweet Chase. I love you baby boy and I'm so sorry you're gone. I'm so, so sorry. I love you.


  1. Oh Christy do not beat yourself up over this. I think you may have been trying to make this conversation as easy as possible for the mom you were speaking to, and maybe that is why your words were so simple. This does not dismiss the love you have for Chase or the loss your heart feels. You love your son and miss his presence terribly, and that we all know, even the mom you were talking to. Chase does not need to forgive you because you have done nothing wrong. He knows how very much you love him and that you are a wonderful mommy to him and his siblings. I hope you can forgive yourself for this Christy. We all do/say things we wish we could take back, but remember we are still grieving mothers who are in shock from the loss of our precious children. I hope you find some peace. Much love to you my friend. xx

  2. Please, "be kind to yourself" are not, nor could you ever be a heartless or horrible mother! Chase knows how much you love him, miss him, and struggle each day...and he loves you matter what.
    I think you were being protective...your emotions are so raw at any given moment, as are your kids', and it's not easy to share your Chase with just anyone...but he will never, NEVER, be forgotten. I love you.


  3. I came over from Tina's blog. I just wanted to tell you that you're not the only one. I think we all fumble with how to broach the subject of our loss(es). Try not to beat yourself up over it...we can't be expected to have all the right words at a time like this. But I get it. Sometimes I feel ashamed when I talk about losing Mackenzie matter-of-factly. I wish I could wear a sign that says "just because I'm not crying doesn't mean I'm not sad." I'm sorry for the loss of your handsome son <3

  4. Chase knows how much he is loved and miss. Your words weren't cruel, or intentional. You didn't dismiss him or ignore him. You acknowledged him, but for that moment you didn't go in to details...and thats okay. Its not easy to talk about a loss, the right words aren't always there. That doesn't make you a bad mother to Chase. Please be easy on yourself.