Happy Birthday Ethan!

You are loved and missed.  We hope you and Chase and all your friends are having extra special fun today!

A very busy weekend

We are finally home and I am unpacked from a weekend of going this way and that, splitting up and getting back together, starting and almost ending together, too!  Thursday was our doctor appointment, which is always very time consuming, and the kids stuck it out, waiting patiently (as patiently as we could expect anyway) in the waiting room.  The look on their faces when they got to see the ultrasound pics was worth it, though.  They loved seeing their little brother!  Then went to a fun concert that the kids enjoyed (mostly) and was a "blast from the past" for us--since they sang mostly 90's songs.  :o)  Then the girls & I did swim meet while the boys went back for Reese's last soccer game.  

Anyway, they came back for the 2nd day of the swim meet and Reese had his Chase book packed in his backpack.  He had taken it to school last week but I had a talk with him about how to share it; and that I didn't really want his teacher to read it to the whole class (mostly because I know she wouldn't/couldn't and I would never expect her to) because it was our (semi) private book that we shared as a family.  It wasn't really a book to read to the class, I told him.  He was okay with that but still wanted it in his back pack and I was fine with that.  Sometimes we need to have something physical with us honoring Chase, memories don't always cut it.  So when he had it with him at the hotel, it was our reading material for the night.  

We were already in bed so I asked Emma to read it to him since they were sleeping together.  As I lay there in bed listening to her read, I pictured every page and every picture as I have that book etched in my brain.  Partly because I made it and partly because there are only so many pictures I have directly relating to or of Chase and they are in the kids' books.  As I expected, Emma reached the last third of the book and her voice started quivering and tears began to fall.  I ached for her, for me, for all of us, and laid there in a puddle of tears and as soon as she finished, I got up and walked over to her, leaned over and gave her a long kiss on her forehead and cried with her.  I gave Reese a kiss, too and he asked me to lay with him so I did.  We talked about Chase for a little bit and then I told him that the baby was kicking me like crazy and he couldn't wait to meet his biggest brother.  Reese told me, "I know, if we get to bring him home."  I told him that we were going to bring this baby home and he said, "maybe."  Twice more I bluntly and specifically promised him that we were going to bring this baby home and he kept doubting me and then finally said, "but you don't know that, mom."  This shattered my already broken heart and I cried as silently as I could laying there next to him but this did not go unnoticed.  Finally he said, "can you cut it out, the crying?"  I had never heard him say "cut it out" so it almost made me smile.  I told him I loved him.  And then he said, "you are the greatest mom in the world" and my broken heart melted.....back into place as I continue on this journey of life without our sweet little Chase.

A Dream I have been waiting for....

I wanted to document this dream this morning but have not had time to sit down and put it to words.  I have thought about it a lot and told it to Patric, but even as the day passes, the vividness of the dream does, too.  

It seemed so real.  Unbelievable, yet real.  We were in the hospital as we had received word from the doctors, I guess, that Chase was finally improving--like he had been comatose or something.    We were in the hospital, though, and I was in a hospital gown, still recovering or something.  I saw him open his eyes in the isolette and I hobbled over to him as quickly as I could.  But he was his age now, 1 1/2.  He was bigger, his hair was a little longer, a little curly.  His eyes were opened and I was so happy.  He was laying there and he looked at me and said "mommy" and I was just so happy.  Already, my recollection is choppy but we got to hold him.  He had only a couple tubes coming out of his chest, so we had to be careful, but he was very strong, actually completely normal if it weren't for the 2 little tubes.  It was just so wonderful to be holding him and talking to him and kissing and hugging him.  I don't remember where the dream led to, but what was really weird, was that each time he met or saw someone for the first time, he already knew them.  He would say their name before they would speak. He already knew everyone in our family yet we had not seen him since he was born.   I wanted so badly to take a picture of him but I didn't have my camera.  I wanted to take a picture of him on my phone and send him to my friends but I couldn't get it to work.  This was just to bizarre but it was so real and it was so wonderful that we got him back.  The dream moved on and I don't think we were in the hospital anymore.  It amazed me so much that he already knew us.  And then I asked him if he knew God and he said, "yes".  Like he just came from there or something.  

This is the last thing I remember before waking up abruptly.  I was so sad to realize this was a dream.  I could have cried had I not been half asleep and too exhausted to.  I went to the bathroom in a daze and returned to bed making myself resume this wonderful dream.  I just wanted to see Chase again.  And I did. I went back to dreaming this wonderful, amazing dream of having him back with us but this time in the dream, I knew I would wake up eventually.  This time I knew it was only a dream.  But it was finally the dream I had been waiting for.

An emotional journey

Sometimes I forget.  I get so used to these kicks in my growing tummy and feeling them all throughout the day, every day, and I forget that I am the only one who has these constant reminders of this angel that is soon to be gracing our arms, our home, our hearts.  I spent the morning with Emma last Friday in the doctor's office waiting to have a terrible rash of hers  looked at, which turned out to be an allergy.  But I was grateful for the alone time we spent together.  We read, we talked, she watched some TV but mostly we talked.  She was very emotional and I thought this had maybe brought on or aggravated her rash, she was so emotional.  She wanted reassurance, or guarantee, that the baby was going to be fine.  And then she wanted just to talk about Chase.  She didn't want Chase to be forgotten when we brought this baby home.  Chase was/is her little brother.  He reminded us all of her and she was so proud of that.  This was very special to her and she didn't want that to ever go away....even though everything feels so distant the more time passes.   I tried to share with her my experience with this pregnancy....my reassurances, my signs from Chase, my peacefulness, the physical signs, the kicks, the messages that this baby was sending me.  These things I feel constantly.  I wish I could give her all those things that I have that help me feel peace, but I can't.  I put her hand on my tummy and she patiently waited and felt the baby kick and a glow instantly appeared on her face.  I told her that when this baby was born and when she held him in her arms the first time that her heart would heal in so many ways.  I promised her that Chase would be there with us to share that moment and to help her, too, feel that it was OK to love this new little baby like we so badly want to love him, Chase that is.  I want her to feel OK with these emotions like I do, but I forget what it's like to not have any thing to feel to remind me of Chase.  Because I feel him all the time around me with this new little one.  She asked me what if this baby looks a lot different from Chase, are we going to forget him?  I told her this baby needs his own identity.  But he is most certainly, in my opinion, a gift.  A gift that Chase has helped bring us.  And for this reason, Chase is always in our hearts and our minds when we prepare for and bring this baby home.  Which I am most positive that we will.  

But these are things we talk about.  I share my feelings with her in hopes that she, too, will feel some of the same things.  Because the pain is too close to think of this pregnancy any other way.  There are lots of things I am worried about and scared of but I strongly feel that we need to help ourselves get through this waiting part.  I can't even begin to explain how much I love feeling this baby kick me.  It is purely amazing when he is going crazy in there.  With the other 4 pregnancies, I never EVER thought of it the way I do now.  I never appreciated it or loved it or cherished all those movements and "totally bizarre" kicks.  They were just a part of being pregnant.  But now I absolutely adore them.  It is the coolest thing ever and I am so lucky to be carrying this little guy with me every day 24/7.  I can't imagine when he is born and I have to share him with Patric & the kids!  That's sometimes how I feel, honestly.  Not realistic, I know, but I love carrying him right now that much.  I love him that much.  And I can't wait until he is part of us....on the outside, too.  Thank you Chase.  You are my sweet angel, my sweet baby boy.  I love you so much.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day.....18 months Old

These are most of the babies I "know" or have met through this babyloss community.  I am thinking of these and so many more tonight.  I wish I never knew this support group, yet I am grateful that I do.  Sending prayers to you and your babies that we will be with them again one day.

Yesterday, Chase would have been 18 months old.  I miss you baby boy.  You are in my heart and in my soul and I know you are with us wherever we are.  If only we could see you, hold you, hear you and smell you.  If only...