Sunset at White Sands

One step forward, 2 (more like 10) steps back

I wrote that post last night about whether or not to homeschool and a harsh reality came to me making today a really rough day. This reality is so harsh that I feel like I've lost Chase all over again, very fresh, very raw. In thinking about the girls going to school, I realized I have one year left with Reese before he's off. Well, I knew that, but what I realized was that I have one year left of kids at home. Chase was going to be a year and a half before Reese went to kindergarten. They were going to have that long at home together to play, to bond as brothers. The year before Karly went to kindergarten, she became very close with Reese. She took care of him, played with him, dressed him up in princess clothes and balerina tutus. They bonded a great deal and it was time we'll never get back. Realizing that is gone, feels like losing him all over again. It hurts. It makes me mad. I feel nauseous, sick to my stomach, that that was taken away from me, taken away from Reese, and Chase will never be here to live and grow with his big brother. I have a very heavy heart when I think about this--I'm on the "verge". Thanks to my husband, for being there to catch me when I fall. And to hold me up and keep me going. Thanks for letting me cry it out. And thanks for helping, not making, but helping me to get through this. Talking positive to me, showing me love, giving me your shoulder, and just being here. Telling me about your fears, your anger, your sadness so that I know I am not the only one feeling this pain, or that I am not "all better" yet. I don't know what I would do without you.

This realization has made me question whether or not another baby is in the mix even. Moving on, sending Reese to school and no more babies or toddlers running around the house. But I know I'm not ready for that to be over. I do know that my dreams and hopes of having them home together before one goes off to school are shattered. That will never happen. I will always be thinking of Chase, what we missed out on, what he missed out on, and it will always crush me, til my dying day. My hopes and dreams are forever changed. I dream of having a little baby in my arms, for sure, but now we'll have to wait til everyone comes home from school to be a family.

What to do....what not to do....

As school nears, we have been faced with a dilema I was not looking forward to facing. I think I knew we would be making this decision all over again, but I just thought it would be under completely different circumstances. Homeschool or public school? We have been talking about it for about 2-3 weeks now with the girls, here and there, getting a feel for what they are thinking and what they want for this school year. Karly has always been more open to going back to school, but does not want to go if Emma isn't. And Emma just flat out has not even considered going back. There are so many reasons to homeschool and there so many reasons to go to public school.....it's a very hard decision and one we do not take lightly by any means. The top 2 reasons that we homeschool are 1) because we can and 2) the kids grow up so fast that we want to be able to spend time wtih them when we can before it's too late. Thus, I have been beating myself up about this for the last 2 weeks worrying about the decisions to make and how it will affect each one of us. It's so frustrating because this was such a very hard decision for me (us) last year and I went through so much fretting trying to make the right one when I finally realized that I will never know if I made the right decision and I will always, ALWAYS, question if I did the right thing, no matter what. But it was finally time to just be happy with whatever decision we made and make the best of it. And that's what we did. Now I feel like I am back at square one and starting all over with it....what to do?

Since losing Chase, there have been so many things I can not explain. I am truly lost right now. Utterly confused, and truly lost. But when I look back on last school year, I thank God that the girls were home with me. They were a very big part of my pregnancy seeing me grow every day, feeling the baby move, dealing with my mood swings and fatigue, watching me stand up to teach, then sit back down on those little tiny kid chairs during class...and then resort to just teaching class from the 18" tall chair the whole day. But they witnessed something that is precious to me...and to them. The were definitely a part of the pregnancy and new the baby in a way they never would have if they would have been at school all day. I am truly grateful for that and don't know how things worked out that way, but they did. I am also grateful for not having to send them back to school for 4 more weeks after they lost their baby brother right before their own eyes. I could not have done that to them. We needed each other then more than anything and we were able to give that to each other. We finished our curriculum when we were ready to go back to it and we made it happen. For that I am lucky. I also needed the kids with me last year. Again, I can't explain it, but I needed them to be home with me in a way that it was almost overbearing. Physically, psychologically, emotionally. The threats to send them to school when they misbehaved were always empty because in no way could I have really done that.

This year, I am willing to homeschool, if that's the best decision for us, but I also want them to get the best experience with education (and life) possible. I told Emma she can always come back home and I'll homeschool her, that will never change. But school changes every year and she will never get a chance to do this year again in her life. Again, there are several reasons our family likes homeschooling and several more reasons that Emma likes homeschooling, but even though I know there will be times when she is afraid to try something, I don't want that to stop her from trying it. I want her to face it and go after it and feel the accomlishment of overcoming any fears she may have about school.

I don't know what is the right answer. I will never claim that I do. But I do know that I try with all my might to do what is best for my kids. I don't think what is right and what is best are always the same thing because like I said, we don't always know what is right. But we know our kids, we know our family and by all means, we do know what is best. Things change and feelings change and who knows if we will be doing public school at the end of the year, but we are going to give it another shot. The girls are excited. Dad is excited. Reese is excited. And mom thinks she is excited, not 100% sure yet. I just want everybody to be happy, not sad--we have enough of that around here. I'm happy I get to spend time alone with Reese. I'll get to spend more time with Patric, maybe I'll get to go on a few lunch dates again! I'll miss the girls but as long as they are having fun, I'm happy for all of us. I wish I had Chase here to demand as much time as he would have while I was juggling time with the rest of the family, housework, job and all. This place and my life, I'm sure, would have been a tornado, but I would have loved it. For now, though, we can move on with the school decision. There is shopping to be done, supplies to buy, clothes to buy, curriculum books to sell on ebay, the list goes on....

The Secret Garden Meeting

This is a writing exercise from The Secret Garden that I decided to participate in. The author of this blog has also experienced the loss of a child and has created a few blogs in an effort to provide a place for other grieving parents to find support in the journey we all are traveling.

How do you see or imagine your baby now that you do not have them with you?

It really helped to read this entry for other moms because I feel like I have tried to imagine Chase as an angel in heaven. But because I really don't know for sure what my perception of heaven is, it is hard for me to accept Chase as an angel. Thanks to Carly, I can see him playing on Christian's beach one day with all their friends. But now, he is ony 3 months old and to me, he looks like a 3-month-old version of when he was born. Sometimes I sleep with my favorite photo of him and this is the image etched in my mind. I think of him being with us all the time...in the car, on the floor in the midst of his brother and sisters, in the crib, in our arms. There is not a moment in the day that he is not on my mind.

How did the loss of your pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of you subsequent pregnancy?

Again, after reading all kinds of material I have learned that I am not alone in wishing so bad I had a baby in my arms. I do want another baby, very, very badly. I also know, however, that I do not know for sure that we will have another baby. I think eventually we will try. But we went through a lot to get pregnant with Chase and only after those experiences did I feel so lucky to even be pregnant. I took it for granted--just like I took labor for granted. I don't trust the medical field like I used to. I doubt doctors like never before. I fear the rare diseases and abnormalities that happen during pregnancies. I was never one to love being pregnant so I was so looking forward to Chase being our last baby. At first I was scared about "starting over" with diapers and baby food and all that responsibility that a baby and toddler requires. However, our family was going to be complete and we were going to be ready to raise this last baby and move on in our "parenting lives". But now I feel completely different. I know that as much as I wanted all that before....now I need it more than ever. I will feel incomplete as a mother if I do not get to have another baby. That scares me because, like I said, I don't know if we will have anymore kids. Unfortunately, that is something I don't have total control over. But I will want to try, I do know for sure. By saying I feel incomplete as a mother does not in any sense of the word mean that I am unhappy. Or unfulfilled. I am very happy and am a very, very rich person because of this life that I have. My husband and my kids make me feel very special, very loved, very fulfilled. Not having Chase with us will always make me feel like we are missing out on something, that something is left out, that a piece of us is left behind. That part I will live with the rest of my life, I know. But the motherly instincts that were ready to kick in feel like they are all revved up and now have no where to go. I had so much love and attention that I was ready to devote to this new child and I didn't get to put it into action. I know my other kids have gotten a lot of it, but I needed to take care of a newborn to feel complete. And I know the kids feel this way, too, in some sense. They were so ready to welcome a new little sibling and help me take care of him/her that I feel like they were robbed just as we were. Karly was so very hungry for a new baby in her life that my heart breaks over and over again for her. I see the smile, the shear happiness on her face while she held her baby brother in the hospital just moments before he took his last breaths. She loves babies and rarely fails to notice a baby in the proximity, or the baby department in any store. I want this for our whole family, but again, it scares me. I think I am going to leave it up to "if it was meant to be, it was meant to be."

Return to Monjeau Mountain

We visited Monjeau last week while my sister was in town. It wasn't the first time I had been back since saying goodbye to Chase but it was a particularly beautiful day. My thoughts are completely consumed by him, so to be back up on this mountain, I was missing him. There are tons of photo ops up here but we had to be very careful with the kiddos. The view is breathtaking, one of my favorite places on earth.

This is our tree Patric carved for Chase. Thirteen years ago, Patric carved PP+CW=*heart* somewhere up here (we can't find it amongst the hundreds of carved aspens). Little then did I know what would be in store for us on this mountain. A place we once visited for perspective, peace, tranquility, reflection, I now return to talk to my son. To tell him how much we miss him, how much we love him. Sometimes I feel like I am on this journey for the ride. I don't understand it, I can't explain it. I try not to fall off and certainly try not to go too fast. Where it takes me I never know. But I am on it. I am not alone though at times I wish I was and sometimes I feel like I am. I have more love in my heart than I ever thought I could bear. Some of it is a burden because it makes me sad, but it is what keeps me going. I feel like this mountain is a part of me, a part of us, more than ever before. I hope it remains in our family and we keep coming back...for years to come. Because up here is where I know I am never alone.