The little things

I find myself gearing up.  It's that month...that wonderful, hideous, delightful, yet so painful month.  The month that we have wonderful things to celebrate (Reese's birthday...Chase's birthday) and that month that we have our heart broken all over again (Chase's death).  And so I prepare...in ways I don't even realize.

I remember the feeling of walking into a public bathroom and seeing a diaper changing station.....and not getting to use it.  It was things like this that made me so different from anyone else and feel so alone.  I had all kinds of feelings like this going on inside.  And as April comes up again, I find myself having these feelings again.  Like changing Owen's diaper on one of these tables and being so incredibly grateful that I could do this.  That my baby was here this time.  He is really here.  I still pinch myself and he's 2 years old.  I had a lot of paperwork to do a few weeks ago and a job that would have taken anyone else two days to do, took me about 6 because I only got about an hour and a half of it done at once before Owen woke up from his nap or needed my attention.  And I was thankful.  Whenever I got frustrated for being interrupted during my tedious, time-sensitive job, I was quickly reminded of Chase and that I would have done anything to have the distractions of my baby keeping me from getting things done.  I don't know why, really.  But my mind kept going there.

Like the high chairs in restaurants....they used to be such a painful sight.  Now, they are a reminder because as I situate Owen in his, I am thankful, and at the same time, mindful of those days I would have been using one for Chase, but didn't.

Like the pitter-patter of feet running through the house.  One of my most favorite sounds on this earth.  And I wonder what Chase would look like.  I find myself going through pictures and seeing Reese when Chase was born.  The same age that Chase would be today.....that is so hard to wrap my mind around, but I try so hard.  I see Chase in those pictures; I try to picture Reese a little different, maybe a mix between Owen and Reese and that's what I want to think of Chase looking like.  But I can't.  I see a little boy in the same little clothes with the same color hair, but I can't see any facial features on the little boy.  I try to...but it's a detail my brain won't let me create for some reason.  At bedtime, I lay in bed with my boys and hug my blanket and miss him so much.  I close my eyes and touch Owen's face and try again to picture Chase.  It feels nice......his skin feels so soft and so incredibly real....but I still can't see any details.   Tears.  Sadness.  Memories.  That's all I get.  Such a strong yearning to see and feel my little boy.  Reese says he's here in bed with us.  I hope so.  I truly do.

I remember being home after Chase died and whenever I got food out of the freezer, I'd see those April dates.  Seeing those dates stamped on something real was like screaming at me.  And I still feel that way four years later.  When I see milk in the fridge with a "best buy" date of April 14th, 15th, 16th, or 17th, I think of those days in the NICU.  Or April 13th, or April 25th, or 26th.  They are all triggers for me.  So, you see, it's the whole month that I can't get away from.  And then we celebrate Reese on the 19th and try to be happy on the 14th for Chase.  It's such a roller coaster, April.  But we ride it together.  And that's the only way I get through it.   And so I brace myself, for this ride.

January: Off and running

Oh my.  I started this post two weeks ago.  And it's the end of January now.  It's going fast.  Everything.  The days, the weeks, the months, the years.  Time.  That linear enemy that measures our existence.  More gray hairs, less hair, more wrinkles, bigger pores. Ahhhh, to know it is to love it.  Right?  Well not that stuff.  But I love this life.  I love all that it has to offer.  Owen turns 2 in two weeks.  I love these days.  I can't get enough of him.  I think I've said that since the day we brought him home, haven't I?  He is learning manners and he has such a comedic personality.  Of course....he loves entertaining his siblings.   He says "peeze" (please) and "tink-u" (thank you) and "wecome" (your welcome and "bess-u" (bless you).  Oh and he also says "shup" (shut-up), "cwap" (crap) and "sucka".  He has brought us so many laughs and giggles and smiles and so much love.  The old adage...you never know how much love your heart can hold...?  And since I'm with him all the time (All.The.Time), he really is my little buddy.  It reminds me of Reese....I had forgotten how much time he and I had spent together and that I felt exactly this way.  I stop and look at Reese.  And I feel sad because I'll be reminded of this and realize that I spend so much time with Owen that I have missed out on Reese these last two years.  I feel him growing up, yet trying to stay my little boy all at once.  And sometimes I feel like I make him grow up because I have Owen occupying my time and needing my attention....leaving Reese left to figure it out on his own.  On my emotional days this really bothers me.  But when I think more rationally, I realize this is all part of the kids growing up.  And fact is, I don't want them to.

I have so much love in my heart.  And this makes me happy.  I can feel it bursting at the seams. And this life would be perfect.  If.... Only if...  But it's what we have and for what it is, it is perfect.

I took Owen to library this morning and it was so much fun watching him  sing and clap, all the while nestled snuggly into my lap.  There was a little girl that talked just like him, she was just his age and such an outgoing little girl and quite vocal.  The grandma told me she had an older brother that helped make their household a very busy one.  An older brother that was 3 1/2.  He wasn't with her but I so badly wished he was.  I wanted to see the age difference and the interaction for my own eyes.  I had imagined it so many times with Owen but to think of the two siblings and compare them to Owen and Chase brought tears to my eyes.  I was so happy to be there with Owen.  And I was just as equally sad to be there without Chase.  So my imagination was all I had, once again, to fill in the gaps.

It goes without saying that Chase is on my thoughts constantly.  I miss him dearly.  When I go to bed at night, I see a star.  It's a bit blurry without my glasses but I see it very vividly and I see it every night.  And I think of Chase.  It has something to do with him, even though I'm not sure exactly what it is.  But the fact that I see it so "clearly" and it shines so brightly tells me he's out there.  Some days I struggle to feel him.  I struggle to feel even remotely close to him.  But then other days he is very near.  It doesn't mean my life isn't perfect.  It's missing someone in a very huge way.  But what is in my life makes me happy and fills my broken heart, busting at the seams.  It's just how I live.  <3 p="">

Merry Christmas

I can't believe it's been three weeks since I last posted.  Geez this month went fast.  It was hard to get in the Christmas mood.  But it finally came...and then, low and behold, it's snowing tonight.  I love it.   Probably not much but at least it's white outside.  And cold.  The magic of Christmas....

It's been tough getting in the Christmas spirit also because the ages of the girls.  Karly is pretty challenging right now (like her mom) and Emma has had a hard time with believing in anything, let alone Santa.  The age of doubt.  Doesn't that last for a while, huh?  I tried to do a couple special things for her because of this.  I'm going to write on my blog to her as well about this ...

I started this post a couple hours ago.  I'm going to wrap it up, much shorter than I had anticipated.  I have a letter to write to Chase yet as well.  It's snowing outside.  I think I'm all ready for Christmas.  Truth is, I'll never be ready.  Because it's not what I ever wanted it to be.  In ways, its much more.  in ways, there's still a big hole.  I'll always have someone missing in this picture.  But I know in my heart he is with us; he's here in this room with is on Christmas morning.  And soon, one day, I will hold him in my arms again.  I love and miss you dearly sweet boy.

My Grandma and my aunt at my cousin's wedding this last weekend.

My family

Got some sugar!

It's that time again.  Seems like it comes faster every year.  I really would love to slow time down.  Some days.  Others I enjoy the ride.

One of my favorite times of the year....decorating the Christmas tree.  I love seeing the ornaments as they come out of the boxes.  Finding a place for each one.  Letting the kids do their own ornaments.

One of my least favorite times of the year...decorating Chase's tree.  This is the third time I've done it and it doesn't get easier.  It's painful.  Just as it was the first year.  Maybe not quite that bad.  But not any less than it was last  year.  

It's beautiful.  Just as it is every year.  But what it honors brings tears to my eyes, pain to my heart and brokenness to my soul.  And I can't imagine not having it there.  

We are busy.   School, sports, story time, shopping, and whatever else we can fit in to our day.  I love being in a big city because of the things we get to do.  Like the light parade last weekend.

And fun 5k races.

My girls are growing up and the holidays are fun in a whole new way.  I'm learning every day about parenting and it never ceases to amaze me that I still don't know it all.  Just when I thought it would get easier, it gets harder.   Middle school is hard.  And now I know that from a student and from a mom perspective and appreciate the latter so much more now that I'm here.  Guiding my middle school daughter should be easy but it turns out that some things I don't know the answer to and it is then I must go with my gut....flying by the seat of my pants as usual.  She is amazing and so full of thought.  Too much thought but at her age, how could she know that.   We are both learning right now and I love it.  I hope she's learning how to make mistakes and learn from them and then move on...because I've certainly shown her this.  One thing I know for sure is she's strong.  Stronger than I ever wanted her to be.  But her questions.....her questions are so hard sometimes.  I hope we can find the answers together...

More pictures and events to come before I close this book out.  Hopefully a couple more posts anyway!

Just keep swimming

Swim meet today. Emma waiting while Kar swims a pentathlon. Then us chicks are hitting the mall. I love doing this with the girls...when we have a purpose. I wonder who will last the longest.... I want to get them new dresses. Fun!