January: Off and running

Oh my.  I started this post two weeks ago.  And it's the end of January now.  It's going fast.  Everything.  The days, the weeks, the months, the years.  Time.  That linear enemy that measures our existence.  More gray hairs, less hair, more wrinkles, bigger pores. Ahhhh, to know it is to love it.  Right?  Well not that stuff.  But I love this life.  I love all that it has to offer.  Owen turns 2 in two weeks.  I love these days.  I can't get enough of him.  I think I've said that since the day we brought him home, haven't I?  He is learning manners and he has such a comedic personality.  Of course....he loves entertaining his siblings.   He says "peeze" (please) and "tink-u" (thank you) and "wecome" (your welcome and "bess-u" (bless you).  Oh and he also says "shup" (shut-up), "cwap" (crap) and "sucka".  He has brought us so many laughs and giggles and smiles and so much love.  The old adage...you never know how much love your heart can hold...?  And since I'm with him all the time (All.The.Time), he really is my little buddy.  It reminds me of Reese....I had forgotten how much time he and I had spent together and that I felt exactly this way.  I stop and look at Reese.  And I feel sad because I'll be reminded of this and realize that I spend so much time with Owen that I have missed out on Reese these last two years.  I feel him growing up, yet trying to stay my little boy all at once.  And sometimes I feel like I make him grow up because I have Owen occupying my time and needing my attention....leaving Reese left to figure it out on his own.  On my emotional days this really bothers me.  But when I think more rationally, I realize this is all part of the kids growing up.  And fact is, I don't want them to.

I have so much love in my heart.  And this makes me happy.  I can feel it bursting at the seams. And this life would be perfect.  If.... Only if...  But it's what we have and for what it is, it is perfect.

I took Owen to library this morning and it was so much fun watching him  sing and clap, all the while nestled snuggly into my lap.  There was a little girl that talked just like him, she was just his age and such an outgoing little girl and quite vocal.  The grandma told me she had an older brother that helped make their household a very busy one.  An older brother that was 3 1/2.  He wasn't with her but I so badly wished he was.  I wanted to see the age difference and the interaction for my own eyes.  I had imagined it so many times with Owen but to think of the two siblings and compare them to Owen and Chase brought tears to my eyes.  I was so happy to be there with Owen.  And I was just as equally sad to be there without Chase.  So my imagination was all I had, once again, to fill in the gaps.

It goes without saying that Chase is on my thoughts constantly.  I miss him dearly.  When I go to bed at night, I see a star.  It's a bit blurry without my glasses but I see it very vividly and I see it every night.  And I think of Chase.  It has something to do with him, even though I'm not sure exactly what it is.  But the fact that I see it so "clearly" and it shines so brightly tells me he's out there.  Some days I struggle to feel him.  I struggle to feel even remotely close to him.  But then other days he is very near.  It doesn't mean my life isn't perfect.  It's missing someone in a very huge way.  But what is in my life makes me happy and fills my broken heart, busting at the seams.  It's just how I live.  <3 p="">

Merry Christmas

I can't believe it's been three weeks since I last posted.  Geez this month went fast.  It was hard to get in the Christmas mood.  But it finally came...and then, low and behold, it's snowing tonight.  I love it.   Probably not much but at least it's white outside.  And cold.  The magic of Christmas....

It's been tough getting in the Christmas spirit also because the ages of the girls.  Karly is pretty challenging right now (like her mom) and Emma has had a hard time with believing in anything, let alone Santa.  The age of doubt.  Doesn't that last for a while, huh?  I tried to do a couple special things for her because of this.  I'm going to write on my blog to her as well about this ...

I started this post a couple hours ago.  I'm going to wrap it up, much shorter than I had anticipated.  I have a letter to write to Chase yet as well.  It's snowing outside.  I think I'm all ready for Christmas.  Truth is, I'll never be ready.  Because it's not what I ever wanted it to be.  In ways, its much more.  in ways, there's still a big hole.  I'll always have someone missing in this picture.  But I know in my heart he is with us; he's here in this room with is on Christmas morning.  And soon, one day, I will hold him in my arms again.  I love and miss you dearly sweet boy.

My Grandma and my aunt at my cousin's wedding this last weekend.

My family

Got some sugar!

It's that time again.  Seems like it comes faster every year.  I really would love to slow time down.  Some days.  Others I enjoy the ride.

One of my favorite times of the year....decorating the Christmas tree.  I love seeing the ornaments as they come out of the boxes.  Finding a place for each one.  Letting the kids do their own ornaments.

One of my least favorite times of the year...decorating Chase's tree.  This is the third time I've done it and it doesn't get easier.  It's painful.  Just as it was the first year.  Maybe not quite that bad.  But not any less than it was last  year.  

It's beautiful.  Just as it is every year.  But what it honors brings tears to my eyes, pain to my heart and brokenness to my soul.  And I can't imagine not having it there.  

We are busy.   School, sports, story time, shopping, and whatever else we can fit in to our day.  I love being in a big city because of the things we get to do.  Like the light parade last weekend.

And fun 5k races.

My girls are growing up and the holidays are fun in a whole new way.  I'm learning every day about parenting and it never ceases to amaze me that I still don't know it all.  Just when I thought it would get easier, it gets harder.   Middle school is hard.  And now I know that from a student and from a mom perspective and appreciate the latter so much more now that I'm here.  Guiding my middle school daughter should be easy but it turns out that some things I don't know the answer to and it is then I must go with my gut....flying by the seat of my pants as usual.  She is amazing and so full of thought.  Too much thought but at her age, how could she know that.   We are both learning right now and I love it.  I hope she's learning how to make mistakes and learn from them and then move on...because I've certainly shown her this.  One thing I know for sure is she's strong.  Stronger than I ever wanted her to be.  But her questions.....her questions are so hard sometimes.  I hope we can find the answers together...

More pictures and events to come before I close this book out.  Hopefully a couple more posts anyway!

Just keep swimming

Swim meet today. Emma waiting while Kar swims a pentathlon. Then us chicks are hitting the mall. I love doing this with the girls...when we have a purpose. I wonder who will last the longest.... I want to get them new dresses. Fun!

A race weekend

This was the weekend for the Race for Fetal Hope in Denver which I had signed up for several months ago.   I wanted to run this 5k race for me, Chase and all the babies that got help from and would someday need help from this foundation.  I haven't exactly been training by definition.  But these days, training means getting whatever I can in whenever I can and it's not as always consistent or scheduled as I would like, but it's productive and for this reason, I like to challenge myself by running races.  I really liked the idea of running a race for an organization like this and when I registered, I ordered customized bibs for the event with Chase's picture on it in memory of him--a special keepsake for my memory box. I ordered 3 with the possibility that I might decide to register the girls for the run, too, depending on our schedule.  A couple weeks ago, then, I decided to register for the Turkey Trot 10k because I had a pretty good time on one of my runs and thought I might actually be able to catch some old times of mine.  This race was scheduled the day before the Fetal Hope run.  I thought it would be a good chance for me to run a 10k and if I was up for it, I'd still give it my all for the 5k, and if not, I'd run/walk it with the girls or possibly not go at all because we had a scheduling conflict on Sunday (Reese's SuperBowl).

Fast forward to Friday and I finally registered the girls for the Fetal Hope run on Sunday, still planning on running the Turkey Trot on Saturday, competitively.  Saturday morning was cold, but Owen only woke up once in the middle of the night, so things looked good for me getting to the race on time.  I felt good physically, cleaned out digestively (yay!) and thus  was very stoked for the race when I got there. Lined up, couldn't hear anything from the race announcers so I just followed the crown and off we went!  I felt pretty good for the first mile.  I noticed there were a lot of younger runners (like 6-9 year olds) and I did also notice a lot of light green bibs while mine was light orange, but still did not think anything was awry.  Everyone was running pretty fast and I didn't see the competitive runners but I figured they were way ahead of me already anyway.  My mile 2 pace was right on, as well and I felt awesome.  Thinking things were good.  Then, it was over.  We wrapped around teh school and there was the finish line and my race, that I thought was a 10k, was only a 2mi and it was over.  I didn't even sprint at the finish because I thought I still has 4 miles left.  

Hmmmm.  Not a super bright move on my part.  But you know what.  There was nothing I could do about it.  APparently the 10k runners lined up and went the other direction from the start of the 2 mile race where I had lined up.   Oh.Well.  I wasn't even breathing hard when it was over.  In fact, I was tempted to keep running just because I was warmed up and feeling pretty good.  But I didn't.  I went to my car and headed home.  Only to be rewarded in my headphones by the voice of Lance Armstrong, congratulating me on the fastest mile I have ever run at 6.4 something.  Little did he know I was in my car for the last half of that mile.  Ha!  I hadn't even shut off my watch yet!  I decided to turn into Einstein's Bagels and grab me a bagel and a latte.  Something I was looking forward to after my 10k, but decided to binge anyway.  

The funny part to this story is that when I got the results later that evening, I opened up the email curious as to what the 10k times were for the race.  However, the 2 mi popped on my screen first and there was my name--I won my age division for the 2mile.  The irony.  Even though I could care less about a 2 mile race, I got first place and my age group was the most populated age group in both the 2 mi and 10k female races.  It barely felt like I got a workout that day, but I decided that I would try my best at the 5k in the morning (today) and see how I did.....

Now to today--Sunday.  It snowed most of the day yesterday and was pretty cold this morning when we woke up.  But we were pumped to participate so we dressed warm and headed downtown.  We picked up our bibs and shirts and pinned on our Chase bibs with the race bib to the shirts we got.  After hanging out in the warm car for a while, we made our way to the start line and listened to music and waited for start instructions.  They were going to start us in two waves--the first being the fast runners (8:45 pace or less) and the rest waiting a few minutes before they started.  There were over 1500 Girls on the Run participants so the start was pretty busy.  Later I would regret it, but I sent the girls back to the second wave start line while I stayed up at the front to run with the faster runners.  As the start time neared, the announcer talked about the organization and how it started and what it meant to him, the person who started the whole thing with his wife when they were pregnant with twins who were diagnosed with TTTS and told would die in utero.  Their girls are now 9 and active and healthy.   He spoke of some other twins that were present today who were celebrating their 3rd birthdays, some others that were 8 years old now.  Then he said there were some people running for loved ones and said "The Pearson family is here running for their baby brother".  He said another family and then said, "And there are several others here running for angels, as well." The tears in my eyes had been welling up and as soon as I heard our name, I started bawling.  I was right up at the front of the start line, all by myself, but with several hundreds of people and standing right near the speaker as well.  No one knew me and I had my sunglasses on so my tears were flowing very freely.  And it was just bizarre.  I had suddenly really regretted not standing next to the girls and hoped they heard our name mentioned.  I felt like Chase was talking to me through him.  I felt so alone lost in the middle of a sea of people listening to a loudspeaker that was speaking directly to me.  It sounded like he said our name randomly, but so very purposefully.  It didn't mean anything to ANYONE except me and the girls, and like I said, I didn't even know if the girls heard it.  I felt Chase's presence right then.  But not like he was right there with me or on my shoulders or something.  Just like he was watching.  I cried until there was 15 seconds left to start.  I don't know if anyone saw me but it was so loud that I didn't worry about anyone hearing me.  My bib with his picture was on my back so I know everyone behind me saw it and I kept thinking about that the whole time I was running.  Each time I passed someone or someone passed me, I knew they saw my bib.  Strangely, I didn't see anyone else with personalized bibs like we had made, but I know there were other teams running for loved ones.  Most of the runners were the Girls on the Run organization and then the runners at the start with me were I'd say pretty competitive, so somewhere in between there were people running specifically for this cause.  

I'd say I ran the first mile on emotion.  I didn't know my feet were so cold until the gun went off and I took my first step and couldn't feel my feet.  Brrr.  The feeling came back by the second mile and I tried to keep my pace up.  THe last mile I picked up my pace and sprinted the end.  As soon as I crossed the finish I started looking for the girls to catch up with them.  When I finally did, I asked them if they heard the announcer and they did not.  :o(  I was really bummed.  And then I felt even more like Chase was talking to me, letting me know he was there.  It was really strange and it's hard to explain but whenever there is any sort of connection to him, I'll take it and embrace it.  I have no expectations when it comes to getting signs from him because I will never know.  I signed up for this race with Chase in the forefront of my mind but I didn't expect to feel him with me or get any sign from him.  I just felt it would honor him and that it was a great cause to support.  That's not to say that I don't hope for signs though.  So when something like this happens, I go with my gut and what it feels like at the moment.  And right then and there, it was amazing.  Incredible.  Emotional.  Magical.  And most of all...Private.  

So I ended up 3rd in my age group out of over 300 women (most were probably with Girls on the Run but still!)  The girls and I had a quick bite before we headed home. It felt good to be with them, doing something healthy together for an important cause.  I couldn't have asked for a better morning.