Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Finding Time

It doesn't seem like I have much time for my blog anymore....I hope that's not forever.   I love writing here but my time truly does get monopolized.  And it's only really therapy for me if I can sit here and type my thoughts out uninterrupted and in a continuous stream.  But I am not the only one dictating it these days.  If not work or the kids or errands or household duties, my little sunshine is with me.  In fact, he's on my hip through all of that usually!  I don't mind too much, though.  Because I know what it's like to not have that "burden", too.  And if I get a choice, I chose the former. (and he's kicking me and talking to me as I sit here and type!)

So much has been going on ..... I don't know where to start.  That last post is still heavily on our minds.  I got a call last week that our depositions are wanted.  It completely baffles me that we are the last ones they want to talk to.  Aren't we the ones this happened to?  Wouldn't we be the first ones to ask what happened that day 2 years, 3 months and 3 weeks ago?  I don't know that I'll ever understand the legal system.  So we prepare for our turn.  I expect the worst.  I read the defense's response my attorney's questions a year ago and it was very painful.  They actually blamed me for my child dying--the doctor letting me bleed all day long with this healthy baby in my womb was my fault.  I certainly expect this to get ugly.  Somedays I have no idea why I am going through with this.  So I dare anyone who has not held their dying baby in their arms to tell me not to.

At the end of the day, I still miss my baby boy as if it were yesterday I held him.  It's still just as painful to look at his pictures...and I have them everywhere.  He's never very far from my sight.  I think of him every time I hold Owen.  Many times I still think Owen looks like Chase as my memory of Chase is so big.  Actually, when we finally held him, he weighed almost as Owen does today with all the fluids they had pumped in him.  I cry for him.  These tears are random, sometimes triggered.  The thoughts are constant.   I still think of dying and getting to see him.  Though I would miss these guys so much that thought is hard to bear as well.  A conflict, still.  Always.  What I have and what I wait for.  The hope that one day I really will get to see and hold him again.

Even after 4 kids and 3 of them in my arms, I still marvel at the love Owen can give us and we can give him.  He is truly amazing.  Everytime I look at him, he smiles.  That's all it takes.  Just making eye contact.  I can't help but pull him close and breathe him in.  Kissing him as much as I can.  Love is a powerful thing.  How can he give so much to us?  I don't know.  But I remember that feeling in the hospital with Chase, too.  How even lying there, with very little physical, tangible response to us, I still felt his love.  And I knew he felt our love too.  I knew that deep inside me somewhere, that he knew how much we love him.  He still knows it, too, I'm sure.  Love is so powerful.

Well, this is going on day 2 of this post so I'm going to close for now.  School is about to start and we are finishing up swim lessons, going to gymnastics, swimming and library. Can't imagine once school actually does start.  I'll hang on for the ride, I guess.


  1. I'm so sorry that it's still hard. I feel it too. Noah had a severe asthma attack last night and was almost hospitalized. They sent us home but I was too scared to sleep. All the images and memories of Nathan in the hospital flooded my mind so I stayed awake just to make sure that he kept breathing all night. He is fine now and I probably overreacted but that's just how life is for me now. Extremely fragile.

    I hope that the deposition goes well. I can only imagine how hard it will be.


  2. I am so hoping that the deposition will go smoothly. Sending my thoughts your way mamma.. keep on keeping on.

  3. ((hugs)) i'm sorry that they are trying to blame you. that makes me so mad. i hope the deposition goes smoothly and isn't too painful.

    i'm so glad you have owen in your arms. it's a bittersweet connection between your two boys.

    i hope you feel chase's love surrounding you, especially in the upcoming days.

  4. Life def is busy and I find it harder to blog too. I just get it in when I can!

    It makes me upset to think that the would blame you for this but I know they are gonna try and point the finger as much as they can. It's so rotten!!!