Today was a particularly tough day. I am confused, lost, not sure of much of anything. As I drove in to Albuquerque this morning I felt overwhelmed. So many memories, so many questions, so much sadness. I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. Everything that happened seemed such a blur that it just didn't seem real at first. Though it still doesn't seem real, reality is starting to settle in. And I miss Chase so badly I can't even begin to put it in words. Our family aches and is going to ache for a long time. We have a hole in our hearts that each of us knows will never go away and we have to learn how we are going to live with it. I can't move on. I don't want to. In a sense, it feels like life has been haulted. I can't continue like it was before. Things don't mean the same thing they used to. Things I used to think were important, aren't anymore.
The only thing I know to do is to live like I love life again. I love the fact that I have a husband whom I am so deeply in love with I can't live without. I love the fact that I have incredible kids that keep me going every day. I love the fact that I am not only wife and mom, but I am also their teacher and best friend, too. I want to be able to think of Chase with happy thoughts, not sad ones. I just thank god for my kids...because it is, for example, Karly's optimism that helps me think of Chase and *smile* rather than cry all the time, Reese's matter of factness that Chase "lost his spirit and went up to God", and Emma's determination to turn her unanswered questions and anger into energy that will help her swim faster. Each of us are trying to understand this in our own way. We have each other, though, and somehow we will get through this. There is too much love in our family for it to be any other way.