Would you want to know?

I have many times in my life believed the old adage, "Ignorance is Bliss."  That is, in my parenting life. I felt that through my first pregnancy, my first trials as a parent, breastfeeding, bathing, doing all the things with a new baby and learning all the tricks.  I did a lot of preparing, went to lamaze classes and read books, but I knew it was all going to be on me when that baby was placed in my arms and I was led by my instincts first and foremost.  When I felt I needed to take the baby to the doctor, I didn't hesitate or stew about it, I went.  Just the same--I listened to my body when I was pregnant or nursing and when I felt something was wrong, I had it checked out or if I didn't feel right while exercising, I stopped.  Then I built on my experiences and my knowledge base grew.  Heck, by now I should nearly be an expert on this thing of parenting, right?  I guess it depends on who ya talk to in this house, lol!

Losing Chase changed my thinking on that old saying, though.  And unfortunately, it has affected my kids in a way that have only begun to surface.  A lot of times, yes, I wish I never knew about all those things that can go wrong during pregnancy and birth.  And life.  But, I also know that if I would have known, or just not even "expected" everything to go perfect as usual, I could have easily made the outcome different that day that Chase was born.  And trust--I never would have put so much blind trust into my doctor, if I would have known about abruptions and things like that.  And I can go back and kick myself all I want as I do every day and will for the rest of my life.  But it doesn't change the fact that we have options---ignorance or education.

I recently met a young woman who is the age I was when I first started having kids and she is so close to starting her family it's like looking in a mirror.  And as I tell her about my kids and answer her questions about having babies and being ready and all that, I hold back my story about Chase because I normally don't tell expectant moms or younger what happened for fear of scaring them and in turn causing stress during their pregnancy.  It's not my privilege to decide whether they should endure their pregnancy knowing what can go terribly wrong and to be at least a little prepared for that alternative or that they enjoy their pregnancy in pure bliss because they don't know what there is to be scared about.  I certainly enjoyed my first four pregnancies that way.  And I am so glad that I did.  And I am so sorry that I did.

So I don't know.  I hate the fact that babies can die.  But I hate that life happens this way sometimes, too.  But I love life, just as much.  As sad as I am, I am that happy, too.  It all comes together.  I don't know that I would call it harmony, but it is a balance.  It's not always an equal balance, some days are definitely harder than others.  But I've learned that it happens.  And we can either be prepared for it, or we can be free for a while and then blindsided later.  It's our choice.  And I know that I'm not going to make that choice for anyone but me.