Friday, August 10, 2012

I can't imagine....

As anyone who has lost a baby knows, not a day goes by that I don't think of my little one flying above us.  I think of him hundreds of times a day.  Some thoughts are triggered by things I see, a little boy his age or a rainbow.   Some thoughts just pop into my head randomly, sometimes about the trauma that occurred during his birth, sometimes the image that is burned into my brain of him when I saw him in the NICU the first time, sometimes what I would imagine him looking like now or his personalities.  And then there are the thoughts that are melded together with Owen that I think of each and every day. Each time I change a diaper, each time I snuggle with him in bed, each time I lay him down or pick him up or read a book or go on a bike ride, the list goes on.  Just simply holding him in my arms.....I think of how I longed to do this with Chase so badly.  I used to hate changing poopy diapers or cleaning up spit up.  Then I lost Chase and I wished so dearly the privilege to do even these dirty jobs, but things I would never do with Chase.  I snuggled in with Owen this morning when he woke up and the feel of his arms around my neck, his hand on my cheek, his fingers in my hair.....I just breathe it in.  I am so thankful for this and to be able to do this with Owen.  I can't imagine my life if we hadn't had our rainbow baby.  I can't imagine having this taken away with Chase and then on top of that never having the chance to do it again with another child.   There is an astounding sadness in this thought for me....even though I thought I had gotten to a point before I became pregnant with Owen that if we didn't have any more kids, I was fine with it.  I just can't imagine that anymore...

Having Owen has helped me heal in so many ways.  It does not, nor will it ever, take away the pain of losing Chase and not being able to enjoy these moments with him because in reality, when I'm holding Owen, I'm thinking how Chase would be laying here with us, not that I'm doing this with Owen instead of Chase.  But it does certainly numb the pain a great deal of the time.  The scar is still there.  A scar from a wound that shattered my soul.  A wound that changed who I am.  Having Owen to love and hug and kiss and hold, has helped in so many ways continue to shape this part of me.  I am so lucky to have this.  I can feel this in the depths of my soul, as well.  I am so incredibly lucky to be able to pick up my son and carry him around on my hip and kiss him and play with him and do all the things that I do with him.  I am so incredibly blessed.  And I am grateful.  And thankful.  And fortunate.  There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe this feeling I have when I hold my rainbow.  And I could not imagine my life without him.


  1. Agreed. Owen does not replace Chase by any means. Nor does he fill the hole left in your heart. But he is a lovely reminder that life continues and that there are still blessings to be shared.

    At least, that's what I've experienced.

  2. I'm still trying to sort through the emotions of my rainbow baby but I echo everything that you are talking about. It's so beautiful and unfair at the same time. Definitely not the life that I had planned for myself.