Oh, my. It's as if Miss Lisa Jo is picking her FMF topics according to my life. I checked her out on Friday to see what the word is. And since I'm still trying to "get better" at writing these posts, I walked away from my laptop and thought about the word for a while. Well, I live my life like "If you give a mouse a cookie...." and moved on to 14 other things Friday and never came back to this blog. However. Miss LisaJo spoke to me again Friday night. About 2am to be exact. Well, it started then, but I didn't realize what my problem was until I got up about 7am and then realized that this stupid little word....EXPECTATION....is eating me up right now. Today. You see, I turned 40 today. I haven't embraced this day. The last week I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible. But it has come, regardless of my intentions. And it has been a horrible, sulking/tearful kind of day. Because of my expectations. So I am now going to begin my post. Partly because thus ends the explanation for me....and partly because I only have five minutes left to write anyways.
Ten years ago I had expectations. I was loving that I was starting my 30s. We were starting our family. I was a healthy, active, fit mom. I was staying in shape. I was living life....loving it. I secretly planned it out. We were going to be done having kids by the time I was 35. By 40, I'd have all the kids in school and, who knows, maybe really into running or triathlons, maybe even competing. Maybe even competing in swimming. Ha! Everything went as planned the first three years of that decade.
Then we took a turn. We tried and failed, tried and failed and then I was pregnant at 35, expecting the baby when i was 36. That's okay, I'm still exercising while pregnant, still fit. I'm a year behind. Then tragedy. My life fell apart. My heart broken. My existence questioned. Then I was extremely lucky enough to get pregnant again. At 37, having the baby when I was 38. This was pushing it, right?
Baby #5 was hard. Has been very hard. My life has not been the way I had planned it would be. I'm struggling, some days more than others. Not to raise my family, but to be who I wanted to be. I'm not living up to my own expectations. And this has been disappointing.
For this reason, I hate turning 40. I'm not giving up. But I'm fighting it. Not embracing it. I have set new goals. Changed my view a little bit. I still have the same picture. The focus has just changed. And I have had to figure out what my new expectations are exactly. I'll get there. I expect to, anyway.
I have so much more to write. Will have to save for another post. Linking up with Gypsy Mama today. Please join in!