When I think of you

I'm really missing my little man. His 3rd birthday is three weeks away and I want to see him. I need to go back to the cemetery. It's a long way but I need to visit his grave again and figure out how to relocate him.

I woke up two nights ago thinking about him. Actually Owen woke me up but I couldn't get back to sleep. And I couldn't help myself -- I was seeing Chases final moments in my head. His last breaths. Gasping, gurgling, leaving us. I don't let myself think about that much, but couldn't help it at 3am. I buried my head in my pillow and hugged my Chase bear and his blanket. Sometimes the pain is so raw. I think this time of year especially. I try to think about what it would be like with him here. But it all hurts. Poor Owen will always be so far behind his siblings, trying to keep up. And it shouldn't be that way. Chase would be playing with him right now, helping me in all sorts of ways with his little brother. I was always afraid that I would only be able to think of Chase as the infant we held in our arms. But i don't so much. I see him as a three year old and it is so bittersweet. I miss you sweet boy. As much as the day you left. The hole in my heart will never completely heal. You took a piece of me with you. I find a small comfort in that. Xoxo I love you little man.