I saw Chase

Just woke up--and have a couple minutes before Owen needs fed.  I dreamt about Chase last night.  The first time in over two years.   His birthday is in a couple weeks and I've been thinking about him and moving him and his grave and his casket and his stone...alot lately.  In this dream we were moving him.  And in the meanwhile, we took him out of his casket.  He looked like a little baby, perfect.  He looked about 4-5 months old.  We were holding him and he was just smiling, moving around looking at us.  We were all so happy to see him.  It was precious.  I was thinking how unreal this was.  How he looked real.  Not like what I expected him to look like.  He had flesh and he was moving...so real and unharmed.  How can this be.  Just as I was beginning to ask if this was real and was beginning to think he had actually come back to us and we were going to get to keep him...He burped a little and a blackish goo started to come out of his mouth and I panicked.  I gave him back to Patric and that's all I remember.

Cruel.  But a gift nonetheless.  Every time I get to see him, is a gift.  I will take whatever I get.  Because he's my baby boy and always will be.  I love you sweet little one.  I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.

mommy

When I think of you

I'm really missing my little man. His 3rd birthday is three weeks away and I want to see him. I need to go back to the cemetery. It's a long way but I need to visit his grave again and figure out how to relocate him.

I woke up two nights ago thinking about him. Actually Owen woke me up but I couldn't get back to sleep. And I couldn't help myself -- I was seeing Chases final moments in my head. His last breaths. Gasping, gurgling, leaving us. I don't let myself think about that much, but couldn't help it at 3am. I buried my head in my pillow and hugged my Chase bear and his blanket. Sometimes the pain is so raw. I think this time of year especially. I try to think about what it would be like with him here. But it all hurts. Poor Owen will always be so far behind his siblings, trying to keep up. And it shouldn't be that way. Chase would be playing with him right now, helping me in all sorts of ways with his little brother. I was always afraid that I would only be able to think of Chase as the infant we held in our arms. But i don't so much. I see him as a three year old and it is so bittersweet. I miss you sweet boy. As much as the day you left. The hole in my heart will never completely heal. You took a piece of me with you. I find a small comfort in that. Xoxo I love you little man.

What I know now

I'm saying hello to a new decade in my life this summer and as I do so, I am already looking back on the last few decades of my life and realizing some of the lessons I have learned a long the way.

I've learned that...

Time really does go by faster when you have kids.  Enjoying it, savoring it is key.

I can never have too many pictures.  Or home videos.

The number on the scale doesn't mean anything.  It's the clothes and how they fit.

I don't need a size Small just because the torso fits.  The sleeves are still always too short.

Time really can stand still and keep moving all at once.

You don't always need physical contact and spoken words to feel or give love.

I can put me first and still make everyone else they are.  That's what jogging strollers are for.

My kids enjoy spending time alone with me as much as I do with them.

Money doesn't make me happy.  It just takes the stress off.  And that may or may not help find what actually does make me happy.

The difference between needs and wants.  If I can't afford it, I don't buy it.  I need flour, bread, eggs and milk.  I want Dooney, Seven, Nike and Opi.

Greenbeans really aren't that bad.  And I actually like asparagus.

"Do as I say not as I do" is a copout.  I hate when I do this to my kids.

Facebook is for what people want you to think about them.  Period.

Asking questions  is always worth it before jumping right in.  Someone else has already been where you are.  Take advantage of that.

Go with your gut.  Sometimes your brain just isn't working or capable of it.  It's called shock.

There are times when you will not have any idea what to do, think or say.  In these times, just be.  There's nothing else you can expect of yourself.  You will not regret this.

Take everything with a grain of salt.  Some people just don't get it...but that's them and this is you.

Tell those you love how important they are to you and tell them often.

The woman ahead of me in the checkout line or beside me at the traffic light has no idea that my heart is broken and will never heal.  Don't blame her for not knowing.  She may be about to experience the same thing.  ****(this is very complicated---it means so many different things to me.)

Do not expect great things of other people.  Unless their your kids.

I love triangle pose.  As a yoga teacher once told me: "one foot is in the future, one foot is in the past, and your head, your heart, your hands, your core are in the present."

Worrying is an option.

It's hard to have no regrets.  But try to have as few as possible.

Other people don't make a person happy.  They have to be happy with themselves first.

And a few things I'm trying to learn or figure out right now.....

How to teach confidence in my kids.

How to be their best friend and their parent at the same time.

How to master crane pose.

I have not set my son's headstone....because I think I want to have him laid to rest somewhere closer and more accessible to us.

When to argue.

How to argue peacefully.  (oxymoron, I know)

How to be a better wife.  Struggling right now with this one....

***

That's it for now.  I think this list (these lists) will keep going.  Might be something my kids will look back at and actually read one day, huh?  lol!  These things are just off my head...some are related, some are totally unrelated.  Don't judge me by this list.  Try making one for yourself!

Here to catch you

Reese learned to ride his bike this weekend.  A long time waiting, we finally got him on it and he got it in all of about 10 minutes.  I knew he would.  And as glad as I am the he is riding now, I'm a bit sad that he is.  It just reminds me that he's growing up.  However, as I was helping him learn, we'd go from one end of the parking lot to the other and stop and turn around and do it again, me holding his bike seat and running beside him the whole way.  After a few times of this, I let go of his seat and kept running with him but I had to tell him I had let go because he didn't even know it.  Then finally he rode the length of the parking lot without my help at all, but I was still running beside him to prevent a crash here and there--or at least catch him before he hit the ground too hard.  But he did awesome and didn't need my help at all really, even though I was still running along with him.  

All smiles and full of life, he said to me, "Mom, you don't need to keep running with me, you know."  I smiled, with a heavy heart. and said to him, "But baby, who will catch you when you fall?"

And he replied without hesitation, "Oh yeah!  I didn't think of that!"

Whew!  What a relief to know he still needs me.  And what he doesn't know yet is that I will I will always be there to catch him when he falls and help him back up only to try again.  And again. And again.  That's what I do.  I love you baby boy.  More than you ever will know!

Epiphany

I had a dream a few nights ago.  The thing about my dreams is I don't usually remember them...so half the time I don't even know if I have them.  Sometimes I know I did, but can't remember it.  I even pray every night, still, to see Chase in my dream.   But nothing, sad to say.  I did have a dream, though, that was very .... I don' t know... important.  In a figuring-out-life sort of way.  I hardly remember the dream at all at this point, but I remember a feeling after waking up of what is important, really important.  I feel like our family has been at several crossroads over the last two or three years.  Important decisions to be made that could take us down entirely different paths.  It seems like when we get past one crossroads only to come upon another not much further down the road.  And sometimes, it feels like we could go either right or left and only the toss of the coin could give us better decision making abilities.  I think this is true of most, though.  If you look back in your life, how different things would be if you had made a different decision at this point or that point.  The thing is as we get older, it's not just us we're affecting with those decisions. It's one, two, three or however many mouths you are feeding, too, that you are affecting.  That's a little more daunting.  Moving is one thing when it's just you and your spouse.  But when you have little ones that are following you around and have their own needs and hopes and dreams, it all of a sudden becomes a tougher decision.

That's just an example of choices we make as adults and happens to be a big part of our lives right now.  But what I'm talking about is why we are making those decisions.  We do what we do to give our children the best life has to offer, right?  But sometimes what we find out is that the best life they can have is a happy family with happy parents and if we don't give them the things we wanted so badly to give them, it really is okay.  Because what is most important in the end is whether or not we are happy.

We get so caught up into providing sometimes (read: mo' money, mo' money, mo' money) and securing ours and our kids' futures, that it can so easily, SO EASILY, take away from how we live TODAY.   Now that I'm typing this, I think what I was dreaming about was my grandfather.  He passed away pretty unexpectedly after a routine surgery when he was about 65 (several years ago).  I could tell you how wonderful of a person he was and what a special grandpa he was but the point is, he died with in months after he had retired.  At the time I didn't think of it like that, but as I am older (and I just ran across some of his things right before I had this dream), that thought hit me like a ton of bricks.  He worked his whole life, finally reached retirement age when he was supposed to have 20 years left (at least) to enjoy his life without "working" anymore.  But he didn't get to.  

I think I'm getting all goofy about age right now because I'm about to turn 40 and have been thinking how I feel.  More so, my parents' age.  They are reaching their mid-60s and I used to think that the 70s was "ancient".  I don't anymore because my parents are near that and my in-laws are in that bracket and they don't fill that description to me anymore!  I think about getting older.  I think about how we spend our time NOW and what we do.  I think about our happiness NOW and our happiness when we are my parents' age.  We ask ourselves a lot, "what makes us happy?" and unfortunately, the answer is different for me and him and even the kids.  But the reason that it is different is because we are caught up into the "providing" factor (read: what I said earlier--Mo' Money).  

My dream made things so clear.   My grandpa.  Time.  Now.  

For a moment.  And then I look again at the crossroads ahead of us and am just as confused as I ever was.  I don't know if I, or we, will ever figure this out, this thing called life.  I know what we have ahead of us, our little sunshine in heaven, but I don't know how to best live in the meantime.  How to make it the best for everybody.  I take each breath as it comes and prioritize my moments as much as I can.  And I know what makes me happy this very second.  It's all about making that the focus, though.  And living by it.