It's full blown Christmas around here. We have snow and cold weather and pajama days and all kinds of Christmas spirit. I'm struggling a little bit....with parenting. All my kids. The kids I have with me I find myself wrapped up in spending too much money on them. Yet there is nothing to buy for my little boy who flies above us. I know money is just a number. And I know the kids don't know the value of things, but I find myself trying to balance with numbers. And all that seems to happen is the bottom line gets higher and higher. And then there's Chase. I feel like I am not doing enough to honor him. My heart is torn....only never to be repaired. Buying toys for Owen is so very fun and so much sweeter than it was with the others--because I know what it's like to not have the baby in your arms. I still think of the things that I buy for Owen that I should have for Chase but never got to.
Even reading this post I am disappointed. Sometimes I wish I could take all currency away from this holiday. I wish just for once we could celebrate, truly celebrate and enjoy this holiday without the expense. How different would things be then? I am so grateful for what I have and whom I hold in my heart and in my arms. But do I show it the right way? Do they know that? It's not just the kids, it's my husband--my best friend--that I feel the same way.
I am working on it. I look forward to my day of hosting the 25 days of Christmas giveaways because of what it represents for me--the good it did for me that first Christmas without Chase. I will find more ways. I promise myself I will. This will be the wonderful Christmas that it should be.