A mess...I am

I've sat down to write this post a few different times...unable to get the words out.  No connection to the keyboard at all.  As much as I've needed to blog, I have so many emotions going on, when I sit down to do it, my fingers are still.  Even now...I struggle.  Here goes...

I've been hit by multiple waves lately.  I am not sure what is happening in my crazy busy life that is allowing for this but I have been caught off guard a lot the last few weeks, okay, months.  I miss Chase.  All. The. Time.  And sometimes, I miss him so much it hurts. I have really felt on the verge a lot.....like if I look at  a picture and think about it too much, I'll go straight down.  The pain, the hurt, the aching is just right there...if I let it.  If I go back and look at those pictures and all those memories, I can put myself right back in that hospital, back in that NICU, ... and it hurts.  A lot.  Just like it was yesterday.  So I haven't let myself.  There was a time in my grief that I needed that.  I'd go straight to Chase's box of things and get myself a real good cry.  Because that was what I needed.  Now, I think I'm scared to.  I'm scared to go back there.  I've had so many good feelings and so much happiness since Owen that I'm scared to go back to those memories.  And feel what I'm so scared of feeling:  What it's like to lose a child.  What it's like to not bring that babe home.  The emptiness.  The pain.  An aching heart.  My sister gave me two boxes of hand-me-downs, some of them which were mine from Reese.  I find myself digging around in those boxes for the oldest of the outfits...the ones I had for Reese.  Because I. Can.  Because I remember the feeling when I couldn't use those clothes....and now I can.  They are old and not as good of shape as the others, but they are mine.  And I longed so badly to use them for Chase and never got to.  And now I can.

I was in a store last week and ran across some cute little Superman.tshirts.  They were adorable, so I picked one up for Owen.  Then I decided to get one for my nephew.  But when I put it in my cart, a 2T, tears came.  Out of nowhere.  Because that little tshirt should be for Chase.  And I would have totally dressed them alike.  It felt like I was headed for a spiral and I quickly recomposed myself.  I didn't let myself go there.  But I kept the shirt.  Both of them.  One I will put on Owen one of these days.  The other one sits on Chase's shelf.  That's all I can do.  

There have been a couple other times I've been at the grocery store or something and something will trigger some tears.   And I quickly pick myself up and dust myself off.....too scared to let myself go back down again. And not sure why.   It was healthy for me to face those darkest moments of grief...cry them out...talk about them....and ultimately get through them only to ready for the next one.  It's harder now that I have Owen, though because, like I said, I'm scared of losing him, too.  I always will be.   I know the hurt and don't want to ever put that and the happy emotions of having Owen in the same thought bucket.  Ever.  It's just too scary.  

So I'm not quite sure when I'll let myself get through this wave.  Right now I'm just standing here, taking in water.  Catching my breath and hanging in there.  Just happy to be here.  Still standing.  But, it's inevitable. One day, it will overtake me.  I'll get through it.  And keep on...because that's what we do.  I miss you sweet boy.  I'd give anything to hold you one more moment.   I love you so much. I love  you SO much.