Sunday, October 23, 2011

A mess...I am

I've sat down to write this post a few different times...unable to get the words out.  No connection to the keyboard at all.  As much as I've needed to blog, I have so many emotions going on, when I sit down to do it, my fingers are still.  Even now...I struggle.  Here goes...

I've been hit by multiple waves lately.  I am not sure what is happening in my crazy busy life that is allowing for this but I have been caught off guard a lot the last few weeks, okay, months.  I miss Chase.  All. The. Time.  And sometimes, I miss him so much it hurts. I have really felt on the verge a if I look at  a picture and think about it too much, I'll go straight down.  The pain, the hurt, the aching is just right there...if I let it.  If I go back and look at those pictures and all those memories, I can put myself right back in that hospital, back in that NICU, ... and it hurts.  A lot.  Just like it was yesterday.  So I haven't let myself.  There was a time in my grief that I needed that.  I'd go straight to Chase's box of things and get myself a real good cry.  Because that was what I needed.  Now, I think I'm scared to.  I'm scared to go back there.  I've had so many good feelings and so much happiness since Owen that I'm scared to go back to those memories.  And feel what I'm so scared of feeling:  What it's like to lose a child.  What it's like to not bring that babe home.  The emptiness.  The pain.  An aching heart.  My sister gave me two boxes of hand-me-downs, some of them which were mine from Reese.  I find myself digging around in those boxes for the oldest of the outfits...the ones I had for Reese.  Because I. Can.  Because I remember the feeling when I couldn't use those clothes....and now I can.  They are old and not as good of shape as the others, but they are mine.  And I longed so badly to use them for Chase and never got to.  And now I can.

I was in a store last week and ran across some cute little Superman.tshirts.  They were adorable, so I picked one up for Owen.  Then I decided to get one for my nephew.  But when I put it in my cart, a 2T, tears came.  Out of nowhere.  Because that little tshirt should be for Chase.  And I would have totally dressed them alike.  It felt like I was headed for a spiral and I quickly recomposed myself.  I didn't let myself go there.  But I kept the shirt.  Both of them.  One I will put on Owen one of these days.  The other one sits on Chase's shelf.  That's all I can do.  

There have been a couple other times I've been at the grocery store or something and something will trigger some tears.   And I quickly pick myself up and dust myself off.....too scared to let myself go back down again. And not sure why.   It was healthy for me to face those darkest moments of grief...cry them about them....and ultimately get through them only to ready for the next one.  It's harder now that I have Owen, though because, like I said, I'm scared of losing him, too.  I always will be.   I know the hurt and don't want to ever put that and the happy emotions of having Owen in the same thought bucket.  Ever.  It's just too scary.  

So I'm not quite sure when I'll let myself get through this wave.  Right now I'm just standing here, taking in water.  Catching my breath and hanging in there.  Just happy to be here.  Still standing.  But, it's inevitable. One day, it will overtake me.  I'll get through it.  And keep on...because that's what we do.  I miss you sweet boy.  I'd give anything to hold you one more moment.   I love you so much. I love  you SO much.


  1. Christy,
    This post resonates with me. It's seems that for all of us there comes a time when all the pain and hurting has to be shoved back into some compartment of our minds. It is necessary for survival. As time goes on it becomes increasingly difficult to allow the pain to have a voice. Yet it is there a constant ever present part of us that represents so great a loss.
    Praying for you and all the other mommas who ache with us.
    Karol (sorry, I can only post under anonymous for some reason)

  2. Chris-
    I know you know all about me...but postpartum depression is a real thing and it does not always happen right after the baby is can strike at any time. Talk to a doctor, but talk to someone. I cannot feel exactly what you feel, but I want you to know I am standing there beside you for anything you need. XXXOOO...

  3. It's strange how these emotions can sit calmly under the water, and then wash over you in a tidal wave. Thinking of you.

  4. Boy, this all makes perfect sense to me. I think I suffered from some extreme PPD several months after my rainbow son was born. It didn't hit me at first because I was over the moon about his healthy birth... But then.... A few months later it all caught up with me. Even now, every day is tough. I think it will always be this way and I will continue to drown and resurface over and over for the rest of my life....

  5. This breaks my heart that you are so depressed, but I can certainly understand. I have been there, too. Praying for strength for you. The other day I thought that I was tired of grieving for Meredith, tired of it all. Then I realized - do I even have a choice? We who have lost, love our lost babies so much, that is all we know. I still buy little things for her, just like you put the shirt on Chases's shelf. That is what we can do for them physically. I don't have any great wisdom to impart, just hope that better times come for you soon.

  6. I understand this so much! I think part of my hesitance is the fact that others seem to dictate what I think is OK to feel. I feel like I am getting pressure (although I am sure I am not) to be way farther in my grief, especially after a healthy baby. Sorry, cause I know how it feels to sit and wait, knowing the flood is coming...

  7. Oh mamma.. my heart aches for you. This is such a difficult path we navigate and I wish there were words to make it more bearable, but I know better. I am sending you a huge hug across the miles. Oh how I wish we could sit and have a cuppa together.