A new beginning

We've been pretty busy.  We relocated for one.  Moving was a lot more work than I thought it would be.  I was looking forward to a "purge", but it was hard....and I'm still not completely rid of my junk.  That is going to be a lifestyle change, not just a quick one!  Our new home is much more spread out.  It is much cleaner.  And it fits us perfectly.  The kids each have their own room.  Owen is in our room for now.  We have a garage so the cars can stay inside.  And I am living in luxury again with things like a garbage disposal and decent water pressure!  I know I appreciate these things a lot more having lived without them for so long.  

We really enjoy our new residence.  The kids are getting involved in activities slowly.  We met our neighbors last night -- they have kids and potential babysitters (yay!).   They also have dogs so Kate even has made friends.  There are a lot of kids in the neighborhood so it's just a matter of time until we meet them.  We have found so many things to do and I am overwhelmed by all the choices....even just in the grocery stores!  Really--I have to work to be efficient with my time.  I can find myself getting lost in making decisions on a daily basis!

The move has been difficult in other ways, though.  Leaving Ruidoso was also hard for what and who we left behind.  We left a huge yard and a river....now our yard is about the size of the house we lived in!  There are lots of parks and sidewalks and trails everywhere, however.  We left a great church in our small town and we'll have to search for another one to suit us now.   The friends we had left in Ruidoso after Chase died were true friends.  I miss them, but keep in touch with them in several ways. 

Our biggest challenge has been moving here without Chase.  Of course he's with us in every way....except the one that settles our empty hands.  The feeling of leaving him behind was excruciating.  As we packed up, I guarded the 3 boxes I have of his things with my life.  I kept them in my car through the entire move.  We were a few different places until we found the house and I stored those boxes carefully.  His shadow box and pictures were the last things I took off our walls in Ruidoso and the first thing I unpacked here.  Placing them in our new home was painful, too.  I find myself aching for my little boy all of a sudden.  I squeeze Owen and hug him tight.....whispering in his ear messages for his big brother.  How I miss him and how I wish he were here with us in this house.  And then I look at Owen and marvel.  He is such an amazing little man.  And so much like both his big brothers, I would guess.  I know Chase couldn't look much different .... but then it's hard to imagine.  I unpacked my big pictures of the kids and framed more updated photos, added Owens to the mix.  But my photo of Chase remains the same.  It never changes.  And it never will.  It still hurts so much.  Big sister Emma proudly puts her magnets on the fridge that she has unpacked.  One of them is of her holding Chase in the hospital right before he died.  These photos of the kids holding Chase are some of the most painful ones. Maybe because I don't look at them as often.  I miss him.  I wish he was here but he isn't.  I don't always feel him, either.  And I don't know if that is my fault or his.  The lawsuit is progressing and we ask ourselves why?  What's the point?  It's painful.  It's wrong.  It's not fair.  And there is nothing we or anyone can do about it.   Sadly....

We are excited about our move.  It's a good move for us.  But it's also sad.  Like everything is in this life of ours.  But in a way, the sadness makes the happiness greater.  Hard to explain.  

I'm working on the blog--I wanted to give it a facelift with the move....part of my new beginning.  Not sure when I'll get it finished.  I need Francesca's help!  Thanks for bearing with me.  A couple pics, more later.