Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A new day

I have been visiting family a lot lately and having a much needed break from life in my small town. My little sis had her second baby and I got to hold him at just 8 days old. What a blessing. I had imagined many things anticipating this event and it was nothing I thought it would be. I feared it would be emotional, heartwrenching, and painful for me, probably because of my encounter with Faith. But it wasn't. Somehow Faith prepared me for this.  I was afraid I would only be able to see this new baby and feel what wasn't there. But I didn't. I was anxious for fear of loving this baby in a way that I wasn't supposed to or that was unhealthy. It wasn't that way at all.

I had the priveledge of holding my brand new baby nephew in my arms and seeing him for who he is....a piece of my baby sister and the newest member of her precious and growing family. I got to see her grow as a mom and see her daughter change into a big sister. I got to talk to her about our pregnancies and her trials as a new mother of 2. I spent priceless time with her and her children and got to share that with my kids. I never felt the sadness that I feared I would. I thought of my sweet Chase often, but I did not see him when I held my new nephew. I felt Chase's presence and his protective shield around me, but I did not feel sorrow for myself or my family. I watched my kids hold their new baby cousin and saw their smiles and shared their joy. My longing for my baby boy is something that will never fade away for me. But it doesn't take away from the many blessings that I see before me every day. My friend Carol put it this way: "...the sadness that we carry, the weight of that stone on my back, doesn't subtract from the happiness that I have now."

The hardest part about being around family is when everyone is together...from all the families. That is when I miss my little boy most and that is the hardest thing for people to understand. This hole will never be filled.....but we live with it and enjoy each day for what it brings.


  1. I can relate. My sister had her baby about 8 months after Carleigh but I was so happy for her and I wasn't really emotional holding my niece.

  2. Good for you. I am so glad that you found JOY in a difficult event.


  3. I am so glad it was a good visit. I actually feel better when I hold a baby, like the part of me that was empty is suddenly filled, if only for a moment...

  4. Your so brave Christy!!! I'm glad you were able to be "IN" the moment with your sister. I bet she was secretely worried about how you would do as well. My best friend and I were due weeks apart when I was carrying Ethan. When Ethan passed away it was SO hard. The first time she came over I cried. And I love her so much for not racing out of the house. She rode the waves with me and when she gave birth to her son I cried as I held him but I also was able to find so much love and joy in the moment. There is no right way to get through a moment like that Christy! But you did it!!!!
    Sending you love and hugs!!!!!