Lurking reminders

I dropped off clothes today at the cleaners--I don't do this very often.  However today, the clerk was happy to see me.  ???  I don't even know you.  When I gave him my name, he said he had something for me to pick up and did not have a current phone number for me.  He said that I had a jacket of Patric's that had been there since May 2009.

My look of bewilderment was immediately replaced with a quick reminder of the emptiness in my heart.  All I could think was, "of course, our world had come crashing down on us in April and and it was all very fresh then."  It didn't surprise me one bit that we had forgotten about that jacket.

It's these kinds of reminders that I always wonder if there are still more out there.  What else did we lose when we lost a piece of our hearts?

Enough....

I am learning as I get older that life happens....there is nothing you can do about it.  You can't slow it down, you can't stop it, you just roll with the punches and deal with it.  And hopefully enjoy it, too.

As if Karly's accident wasn't enough, which has healed beautifully btw, I rear-ended someone last week in my SUV.  We were all fine, no one was hurt, but I did enough damage to the car that I'm dealing with insurance agents, rental car companies and body shop repair.  We are also moving along on the law suit finally so there's enough emotional stress involved with that to take it's toll.  And as the summer keeps flying by, I am getting trying to make schooling decisions so I'll have enough time to order books if I need to.  

And in the middle of all this, I miss Chase badly.

So those are the top stressors in my life right now.  There are more, I just don't feel like writing about all my sob stories right now.  But since I have realized I can't control what life deals me, I am rolling with the punches.  They are not all fun and sometimes it is exhausting.  But I won't give up.  I'll get back on my feet and get through it.  Because time keeps traveling and the only thing worse than getting through tough times is dwelling in how much time has been lost.  When I look at the last 4 years of my life, I am floored at how things have changed.  And the majority of my changes have been since Chase died.  I had my life mapped out quite differently than the way things happened, but unfortunately things that I have no control over dictate my journey.  It doesn't mean I still can't win the race, just that I will have to take a detour to get there.  And the detour--the detour is nothing I would trade.  Because sometimes it's the detour itself that teaches us the most about who we are and what we are capable of.

Note:  Though I am vague in the metaphor, I am literally talking about races.  I have enjoyed running the last 10 years of my life and had taken "time out" to have our last baby and anticipated a quick return to my hobby.  But when our last baby was Chase, and he was taken from us, my goals were shifted a bit.  I miss my training but am also dedicated to my family and our needs.  TTC does not lend itself well to the kind of training I would really like to do.  But I also know that I am still fully capable of the physical demands and that I will get back to where I want to be....all in good time.

Let this be done...

I am ready for this trauma of Karly's accident to be over with. We went back to the dr. on Friday because I was worried about the oozing from her wound. The doc put Karly on some very high dose antibiotics and she has been so bravely drinking the worst smelling medicine I have ever seen. Sunday she was not feeling well and though I was pretty sure it was the antibiotics making her sick, I was paranoid about her wound not being well so after she registered a fever of 102+ at home, I decided we would go back to the ER to have it checked out.

The good news was they liked the wound and said it looked great so they took the stitches out. The bad news was Karly had what looked to be strep. For the love. What else does this kid need to damper her summer? We've been nursing that with double-dose ibu/pain reliever meds when she needs it. Ugh.

Then, like clockwork, Reese comes to me this morning with, "my throat hurts, I don't feel well. I'm going to lay down." Of course. Why would I think no one else would get this?

I'm tired of worrying. When Karly fell and had such a bad cut, I was scared. I felt my kids' mortality so acutely. Once again. Every time they get sick, I have "the worst" looming in the back of my mind because I know what it is like to lose a child. I wish I didn't, but I do, so those thoughts seem to surface whenever someone is ailing. But Karly fell and it happened so quick and it looked so awful and I couldn't believe we were dealing with what we had at hand. And I've been so worried about her arm and it healing that to have another, unrelated infection on top of it....I just don't need this! When Karly got sick I just didn't know what to do. And I was tired of not knowing what to do. I know what that feels like and then losing Chase--I didn't want to feel that way again. I finally broke down that morning with an overload of emotions feeling like a mother who can't take care of her own children. Like a failure. Of the worst kind. I was just tired, mostly, because of lack of sleep, but the burden of worry was making me more fatigued.

And now that Karly is almost halfway through her antibiotics, has her stitches out, and seemingly getting better, I feel another low blow knowing that Reese is coming down with her throat infection now and we are starting to battle this. Same bug, different kid.

I hate it when my kids are sick. Everybody does. Just those of us who know loss, seem to hate it a little bit more, almost on a level of paranoia.

Add this to my list of "things people say"

I wrote about Karly's fall last weekend and her bravery and courage for enduring the events that evening.  I wrote about how we talked about Chase and how he helped us through the ER visit and was there watching over us, taking care of us.

I went to the church where she fell the next day, with Karly, to tell them what happened and the (many) dangers of the sidewalk where it happened.  I was emotional and upset when it happened and the whole night through.  But by this time, I was not so angry anymore but merely needed to have this horrific obstacle removed from the sidewalk.  In my opinion, it was a hazard not only to the children but also the elderly, and for that matter anyone who could vouch for having tripped on a terrifically uneven sidewalk.  What happened to Karly happened, but I did not want it to happen again to anyone in my family or anyone at all.

The person we spoke to at church, however, was not so impressive.  He seemed genuinely relieved that Karly was okay, but made comments implying that children should not be running in this area.  Nevermind that ridiculous thought--this sidewalk is located between the day care playground and the parking for the parents who pick up their children from the day care.   He told Karly directly, in front of me and 2 other adults, that if she were attending church and would pray more often, this wouldn't have happened.  

{Gasp.}

He did say this as a joke, I am aware, but it was an uncomfortable laughter because it was a horrible joke.  I wondered if he knew he said this to a little girl who not only has more compassion than he does in his little finger but who lost her baby brother a year ago--a sweet boy who had to fight harder than this man will ever know for his fragile little life and lost that fight despite very specific prayers from thousands of people all over the world.

There were no words for this man.  Just a mission to remove a hazard....and the mission was accomplished.

This day

What a day.  And I can't remember a bit of it before 8pm.  I had taken the kids to help with Patric's youth group at the church and we had a great time.  We got back to the church to drop off some kids and mine wanted to run across to the road to the playground.  We were there for no more than 5 minutes.  I saw the kids running around the church on the sidewalk.  And I saw Karly crash and burn, not an unusual site for her.  She immediately got up and all three kids ran toward me and as they got nearer, they were only about 30 yards away to begin with, I could tell Karly was crying.  Then it's all just a rush....They were all talking.  Apparently she fell on some rocks and landed on the metal border that goes around the flower beds.  Karly showed me her arm and where I expected to see a minor scrap was a laceration about 2 cm wide, 8 cm long and down to her....well, I saw raw muscle I know that much.  I didn't think at all I just got the kids in teh car, told the adults were were going to the ER and raced about 200 yards down the street to the hospital.  It looked awful.  I have never seen a wound like that before.  And it was on my kid.  

I was back and forth between hysterically crying and calmly talking to the kids telling them everything was going to be alright.  Emma took care of Reese like a champ and waited with him in the waiting room while KJ and I went into triage.  To make a long story a little bit shorter, she ended up getting 15 stitches and Patric made it to the hospital from work, about 30 miles away, before the stitching started.  After the numbing shots, which were the worst part, but we were there together.  And Chase was there, too.  I could feel it.  Karly and I talked about him the whole time.  She was as scared as I've ever seen her.  She didn't want stitches at all but obviously this cut was leaving her no choice.  She kept telling me she couldn't do this.  She couldn't believe this was happening and she couldn't do this and she wanted to leave.  

But she did it.  With amazing strength and bravery.  She did it because she is a tough little girl who has been through far worse than most kids her age.  She did it because she knew her baby brother was there helping her through it.  I felt him there, too.  She did it because we were there to hold her hand through it and suffer through the pain until she was numb and couldn't feel anything.  And when you face what life throws you, this is what you must do.  She knows this.  She can do anything.  Because when we can't be there to hold her hand, Chase always will be and he has given her more strength than she realizes.  He has for all of us.

This day I feel him.  I am so blessed he is here to help us when we can't physically see or hear him.  He gives us strength we never knew we had.  I love you Chase.