Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Worst day of my life

Four years ago today was the worst day of my life.  And I hope and pray it will be the worst day of my life and that I never have another day that even rivals this day.  This day four years ago I held my baby in my arms as was dying.  I have looked back on those moments so many times and wished so badly they had been different.  I remember holding his body but feeling him already gone.  And so I held his body.  And that was it.  And the days and weeks that came later that haunted me.  That I didn't hug and squeeze and treat him like the newborn he was.  He was lifeless in my arms.  Stiff.  Not responding.  But I still wished so badly that I had held him with so much more of a motherly disposition.  The truth was, I was in shock.  I really didn't even know what my body was doing anyway.  I was so worried about my other kids and how they were taking this and making sure that this was the best possible memory that could be burned into their brains because really there was no winning here.  Our hearts were all breaking right before us.  I felt like mine was just burst right open and I had blood everywhere all over me.  Because I barely moved as I held him.  And that I regret.  I have replayed it so many times in my head what I would have done if I had a second chance to hold him.  And I have even convinced myself that I could have breathed life into him. I could have coaxed him into staying here with us because we all know the best place for him is right here in our arms.  No where else.  I would have caressed him and whispered to him and sang to him and rocked him and nuzzled him into my neck ..... all those things I do to my babies.  But I never did to Chase.  And I will take that to my grave.  Some days it's a heavy, heavy load on my shoulders.  And then I feel him.  He's telling me it's okay.  And all of a sudden I'm okay.  But those moments that I think back to this day four years ago, and I don't let myself go there very often, but those moments, my heart breaks all over again.  I miss you little man.  I miss you so so much.  I wish nothing more than to hold you again.  To feel you in my arms.  I love you Chase Allen Pearson.


  1. You did everything perfectly. When you get to Heaven, he will RUN to you and tell you that :)

    We all were in shock when we came face to face with our child's death. That was God protecting us from the pain and allowing it to gently absorb us rather than pummeling us to the ground. No one can prepare for that. We all have regrets of things that we wished that we could do (for our benefit and memories) but I do believe that God was holding our babies hands as we said goodbye and He led them to His house. I know that Nate will tell me this when I see him. But I do wish that I would have done some things differently. Hopefully I"ll never have another chance to make those changes.

    Isn't amazing how your perspective changes when you hear people say "This is the worst day ever"...clearly they have never watched their child die...

    Hugs :)

  2. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you have regrets about the time you had with him- in all honesty, I don't know that a do-over would ever had been enough...I know for myself, it still wouldn't have been enough and I wouldn't be satisfied with that time either...

    It's been a little over two years for me. I can't fathom four years... And yet I'm sure you feel like it was both yesterday and forever ago all at once.


  3. The best place for Chase absolutely IS right there in your arms, and if love could've made that happen, it would have. You did what was right at the time. xx