Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My April

April is here.  I have hardly had a chance to notice.  Though I know.  I feel it.  The date is creeping up on me.  I did not get a chance to post anything about our Spring Break trip.  We had a blast.

The kids loved the ocean.  It was their first time at the Pacific.  We could have/should have stayed there all day.  It was very relaxing and very peaceful.  My favorite landscape is definitely the ocean.  I looked around to find Chase....I hoped knew he was with us.  I found him in the clouds.....

Owen had a great time, too.  This was at Sea World, our favorite theme park!

Last week I was taking care of sick kids.  Owen had a cold that lasted 10 days.  It was absolutely horrible and very stressful--for all of us.  It turned into an ear infection at the end, which the antibiotics took care of.  He's all better now, but was pretty rough for a while.  Then Reese came down with some pretty bad bronchitis.  Another scare for me....though these days, it doesn't take much to make me worry.  After some meds, he's recovered, too.  So just when I think we are back on track....I look at the calendar and realize it.

I scheduled and rescheduled appointments this month several times and turns out, a couple rescheduled appointments are for tomorrow.  April 14th.  I can't believe I scheduled them on this day.   I don't know why, but I wish I wouldn't have done that.  We have Reese's first baseball game and I am so concentrated on not crashing his happy times with "having" to celebrate his brother's birthday and angelversary in the midst of his baseball season kickoff and his own birthday.  I'm not sure how to do this.  We are not skipping any games and are trying to fit in a trip to go visit Chase's gravesite before Reese's birthday.....but it's going to be a rush to fit it all in.  I hate that he is buried so far away.  We still have not laid his headstone.  It is finished and sitting at the funeral home....but we have not been able to complete this last step.  There are so many questions that were never answered and this was one of we have struggled with and still not answered....

I could not sleep last night after Owen's midnite feeding because I looked at the clock and was in shock at the date.  I found myself going through all the events all over again.  Remembering as much as I could as I looked at the pictures I have in my room.  Wishing soooo badly I would have held my baby boy with so much more passion than I did in those pictures.  Hurting because I feel guilty for not picking him up the first moment I saw him in the NICU.  Not picking him up, because of course I couldn't, but I wished I would have put my hands under him....something I would do now without hesitation.  Just to feel him.  So that he could feel me.  Those memories are so painful.  My eyes investigate every millimeter of those photos now.  Wishing I had more.  Trying to distinguish actual images in my mind from the precise moments captured with each camera shot.  Wondering if I really remember anything other than these photos nowadays.  Hurting.  Still. Hurting. So. Bad.  I miss him.  With every ounce of my body, I miss my little boy.  Owen sleeps on my chest while I tell him I love him.  And that I love and so painfully miss his big brother.  All in the same beat of my heart.


  1. Chase in my heart big time.. I feel him today and always.. he has become a part of me and our life here too! Thinking of you and your family and loving your family!!

  2. I am thinking of you and of Chase tonight..
    I know that this life is not what you planned it to be Christy, it is not what any of us planned. Everything hurts in such a completely surreal way when you are forced to live your life without one of your children. There are days when I honestly don't know how I have made it through these last months, and then there are days when I feel like it was only moments ago that he was safe within me.

  3. continued..
    I can only imagine how your heart must ache as you celebrate Owen's life alongside Chase's death. I just hope that you know how much you are thought of, how your son has a precious legacy that is known to many people, and how the beauty of his soul continues to touch me in more ways than I can say.
    Happy Birthday sweet Chase... with love. Travel on little star voyager.. it is all there open for you.