9 months

Today you would be nine months old. Wow. The older I get, the faster time travels. Though part of time stopped when you left us, the other part keeps on. It has gotten a little easier to live, but the pain has not lessened. It hurts to breathe some days. Somedays we talk about you and smile, though inside, we are crying with a broken heart.

I still do not have your head stone. It's something I have thought about almost as often as I think about you. You are buried 6 hours away from us and though I'm not sure, nor will I ever be, that was the right thing to do, I know "Top" is hangin' out with you, teaching you the things I can't. (Please let them be good, Top!) Today I found "you". I have only been to Bangs twice, once to bury your great grandfather and the other to lay you to rest, so my memory of the cemetery is faded. But today I found the cemetery and I cried. The internet is a place of endless resource, but never did I expect I would need it like I do now. For the reason I do now. The cemetery really is pretty. Just like I hoped it would be. It just feels so far away. But I "fixed" up your virtual memorial the moment I found it, first by taking charge of your name, then I started putting things in place. I plan to add to it. I plan to check in on it often, since I can't visit your marker in person. And soon, very soon, I will get your stone and your daddy will put it in place. We have talked about it quite a bit and I have something in mind. I wish you were here. Obviously I wish you were here, but I wish we buried you closer so I could visit you more often. I have felt lost since the day you left, but part of it is because we buried you so far away. We found comfort in knowing Grandad would be taking care of you and spending a lot of time with you, for us. We just didn't know what we were supposed to do.

So on your 9-month birthday, know how much we miss you. Know how much we care about you. Know how much a part of our lives you are. Sweet dreams little man. Sweet dreams.

love,