Another wave

This is my second post today....and it amazes me the range of motions in any given day. How I can go from being elated that I did a silly yoga pose, to cleaning the kids' rooms, to tidying up the baby dresser and crib, to sitting on my bed in shock and a wave of tears that I still can't believe my baby boy is gone--it's unreal. But then it's real.

I think I am in denial. I really do. When the magnitude of what has happened hits me, it is overwhelming. I can't believe one of our kids is gone. I don't want to believe it. I never got to bring him home, never got to dress him in his clothes, never got to....but yet I knew him so well. I remember how excited each of us was to meet him. I remember how blessed I was to be the one carrying him, growing him inside me, taking him with me wherever I go. To think that he is gone forever....I can't. I think I am still waiting for him to come home. I never had to clean out any of the baby stuff from the house. Being the fourth child, I had it down to the bare necessities what I needed set up. And it's all still there. I have not taken down teh crib, nor the dressing table and hutch. Several months ago I took the stroller and infant seat back out to the storage shed in the back yard, but it wasn't taht hard. I was just stowing it for later....when....what?

I went through the dressing table drawers this morning as I often do and there is all the baby shampoo, lotion, oil, some paci's, some nipples, burp cloths, nursing pads, tons of diapers and wipes...and I wondered how long some of that would "keep". Because in my mind, I'm going to use it. One day. I'm not sure when. Either when Chase comes home or we have another baby. But I'm not sure what I am hoping for more. And I have never thought about giving away any of it. I donated some opened packages of diapers that were handed down to me (disposables) to the church, but none of the new, unopened packages. I have not even considered it. And as I looked at them and wondered their longevity, I know that I still cannot even think about giving them to anyone. I suppose I could give it to my little sister--she's expecting. And that's about as removed as I can let Chase's stuff be. But I'm not even ready for that. And I don't see it anytime in the near future.

So I had that wave of grief hit me again. Sadness. Tears. The feeling of being punched in the gut. And I just miss him. I miss him. So. Much. I am sick, literally nauseous, that he is gone. I can't believe my baby, a human being, is missing from our family. That thought just shakes me to the very core. It's too much to handle some days. I still don't know how to sometimes.

And then one of my little yoga partners walks in. He gives me a hug and says, "Is it about Chase?" And I say, "yeah". And he gives me his signature 3 kisses....one for me, one for him and one for Chasey. So, yes, I guess I can handle it. With a little help. And some much needed sugar from my boys.