It seems to come every month--that wave of emotions. Today they came. Of course some it is hormonal, but it's the spiral. That spiral of grief I am told about by others who have lost children that I am tired of. I don't want this feeling to keep coming back to me for the rest of my life. I don't want to be whipped around the curve only to be hit yet again by this emotional wave. This awful feeling of being punched in the gut, cut open, my heart ripped out of my chest, and beaten to a pulp. I want this feeling to go away. It hurts so bad....each and every time it comes around...it hurts just like it was yesterday. Because I miss my baby boy right now....but I know I will miss my baby boy turning 4 one day and playing ball with him. I will miss him turning 8 and going fishing with his dad. I will miss him turning 10 and going to ball tournaments. I will miss him turning 12 and playing ambush with his big brother. I will miss him turning 14 and his sisters giving him advice. I will miss him turning 18 and.....well, I never would have looked forward to him leaving home. And there is so much more after that. I am missing out on so much with him....
There is so much to think about, mentally I'm wiped out. Attorney crap, the gravemarker, trying to add on to our family....things on my mind that can get so overwhelming. And it's hard not to try yet being careful not to try too hard. Vulnerable as we are, it's tricky not to get too wrapped up in it all. When it was really nothing to get wrapped up in in the first place.
However, I read on babyloss blogs about a new life and what starts out as such excitement, encouragment and hope, quickly turns into "what about me?" After asking "why me?" for so long, now I ask "why not me?" When will it start to make sense? When will I get back on with my life? Why is this spiral sustaining itself? When am I going to wake up from this nightmare? I want so bad to fix this, to fix us, but I know so deeply that I cannot. So, then, I want to live. Live whatever life sends our way. I'm reading my Little Prince book, feeling comfort in that I think of Chase with every word in it. So I keep on. In the spiral that this path seems to be.
Oh Christy I am so sorry. Even though I am pregnant again, I still have those thoughts about other pregnant women and new babies I see. I wonder why them, why not me, why not my girls? Even though one never knows what lies ahead in a pregnancy, I still have these thoughts about others because the odds are in their favor. I hope peace finds it's way to you soon my friend. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you & I lost 2 children to miscarriage after having 3 before and I wonder why to and those feelings come and go. Praying for peace {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteCaroline
Christy, I can't explain why these feelings continue to come and go. I struggle with it myself. When I allow myself to be happy, I feel guilty to the boys. When I am sad, I feel guilty to my living children. Its a constant battle, I hope it isn't forever. I hope I can come to a place that I think of the boys with smiles and happy thoughts. I hope I can come to a place that tears don't fall all the time. I hope that pit I feel in my stomach all the time goes away, and soon. I keep circling too, I wish I could just be more settled in my feelings/emotions. xo
ReplyDeleteFor whatever reasons, that spiral you are talking about seems to come and go without warning. It is so incredibly sad and difficult to think about all we are going to miss out on. We have dreams for our babies before they are even born. Sending you lots of love!
ReplyDeleteI think that is the hardest part about loss. My downfall tends to come around when something else is going bad. Like if Vashon is being really crazy I get into a funk or if me and Van have an argument I get into a funk. It's like a double dose of drama. Praying for comfort for you, just know that what goes up must come down and that the rocky ride will not last forever.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you on the spiral. I want off this ride and I want off now. My daughters birthday is in a week. A friend had her baby the same day. Why does she get to celebrate her daughter's birthday and I don't?
ReplyDeletePraying for you and sending warm thought your way. I wish I had the answers but I too am trial to naviagate this whirlwind with you. I dont understand the waves of emotion either. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping and praying that you feel some peace and soon- the thing about this journey (in my opinion) is that it never actually stops- it's like a scab that never heals- and sure it will be find for a while and then something can happen am (wham) it rips right off and that raw emotion comes flooding back!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you- hoping those waves subside!
hugs-
L
Everytime I see my bestfriends little boy? I cry. He was born two weeks before Ethan. Her and I were pregnant at the same time. When I look at her son I see what Ethan would be doing and how big he would be. I am expecting again but I find myself falling apart more often. I find myself angry again...like? How come Ethan died and this son is perfectly fine so far? How is it that God lets this one pass away and these ones live? I still struggle Christy...I am grateful that you share your thoughts! Makes me feel A little less crazy about mine..:) Sending you love and hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteKristy
I hate it when I get hit with a wave. I don't think any of us want to keep getting hit the rest of our lives. I know from moms many years down the road of loss that those moments don't come as often as they once did. I hope that you will feel renewed. Nobody likes feeling wiped out.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping the waves eventually dissipate and don't come so often. Cause they sure nail you when the come! The feeling of being completely overwhelmed is so hard to deal with for very long. I will pray for you, as I walk the same hard road, friend.
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