a broken record

I feel like I post about this all the time....well, okay. So I don't post as much these days but my deep thoughts, when I have them ;-), are always about this...

I am so thankful for my life.  For my husband.  And each one of my kids.  And I am painfully grateful for my rainbow baby.  And all the things I get to do as a mommy to this baby...because I missed out on them with Chase.   I am constantly reminded of him.  At least 5 times a day, I say to Owen, "can I hold you?"  Each time I change his diaper, and especially as he gets older and nears the potty training stage, I am grateful for the chance to do this.  I love love love it when he grabs my hand as we stroll along, because he doesn't do it very often and....I never got to hold Chase's hand to cross the street.  Going to bed....I often think of teaching Owen to sleep with Reese.  But I love sleeping with him.  I am even grateful for those middle of the night throwing up episodes...I'm grateful that he was in bed with me so that I could make sure he didn't choke himself...and I'm grateful to even have this child here to nurse through an illness.  My diaper bag.  I could easily graduate to carrying just my purse at this point and use his little backpack for diapers and wipes and a few essentials.  But whenever I think about getting rid of the diaper bag for good, I remember the immense pain of empty arms.  Seeing someone in a restaurant and noticing a cute diaper bag and me not having one....because I didn't have my baby.  I love giving Owen his baths...something (along with diaper changing) I would have gladly assigned to the girls after having four children.  But no matter how tired, no matter what is on my plate, I stop and thankfully do his bath.  And I still take him everywhere with me.  When I just have a few things to get at the grocery store and want to make a quick run, he always wants to go with me and I don't hesitate to take him.  He loves to go to the grocery store!  

This rainbow is the most challenging baby we have raised without a doubt.  But not a second goes by that I am not grateful for him and feel so incredibly lucky to have him.  And I am not entirely convinced that it's been hard with him because of my fear of losing him since I lost Chase.  I'm not sure how I would have faired these first two-and-a-half years without this perspective.  I would not be smiling through the fatigue like I am I don't think!  But I have gotten definitely felt closer to Chase when I think it would have been very difficult to do so as the time passes and makes us feel farther and farther from him.  Owen has reminded us of him and helped us imagine him in and amongst us all.  

We miss our sweet boy.  I think of him every day from morning til night and pray every night to see him in my dreams, though I hardly ever do.  I know one day I'll hold him in my arms again and that will be amazing.  Until then....I love and miss you with every beat of my heart, little man.