Perfect

With Taylor's new song I have stumbled upon this blog and am at a loss for words.  Maya lost her little one just days before his fourth birthday to a terrible cancer, neuroblastoma.  I can't imagine the pain she is going through. I can try, and I have a strong base of how she is hurting, but not exactly.  As time keeps passing, I find myself struggling to picture Chase, what he looks like.  I can see him running around, but I can never get an exact picture of his face and I find myself wishing I had this.  Yet when we lost Chase, there was a part of me that told myself the pain would have been so much greater if we had had to let him go later.  Now I feel robbed.  Cheated.  I never got to see what my baby would look like as a toddler and that's what I miss right now.  I yearn for his features.  I can see his body amidst us...but I can't detail in my mind his cheeks and nose and hairline and those things that make him similar to and different from his siblings.  And I really miss that right now.

Maya is over a year in her journey and is now expecting another little one whom they weren't originally planning on until they lost Ronan.  And she is very busy with the foundation they have created in Ronan's name to honor him and to help other children with this disease.  In one of her posts, she mentioned her perfect world before Ronan's cancer was diagnosed and of course she got a comment from someone criticizing her for having a vision of a "perfect" because this person claimed there was no such thing.  So Maya has the most perfect response to that and it resonated with me because it is the way that I felt when we were pregnant with Chase.  Financially we were far from perfect but life, as we knew it, was perfect.  This is how Maya explains it and I couldn't agree more.

 "Perfection is real, perfection can have many different meanings. Perfection to me means not taking a thing for granted and living with the most love in your heart that you are capable of. It means stopping at nothing to get it until your heart is fulfilled ..."

Maya Thompson, Ronan's mom

Thank you, Maya, for sharing this and for sharing your most beautiful little boy with us, too.  My heart goes out to you and your family.