The Visit

While on spring break, we had the opportunity to visit Chase's grave last week and did so knowing we will most likely not make it down on his actual birthday/angelversary this year.  It was the end of our trip so the 15 hour drive back home was pretty hard on all of us, though we are all glad we saw his grave and all glad to be home, as well.

It was hot at the cemetery yesterday but it was very pretty.  It was very green and a lot of pretty wild flowers, especially bluebonnets, growing this year.  We stopped in our usual place and picked out flowers for Chase and each of us arranged them at his marker.  I brought the bear some very dear friends gave me last year in church one day when Emma and their son sang "Godspeed" to the congregation.  I have slept with that bear every night since then and it holds a very special connection for me with my son.  I brought it to the grave with us and took some pictures.

It's hard to feel Chase's presence sometimes.  Sometimes I try too hard.  Owen keeps me busy no matter where we are and he was pretty busy at the cemetery.  I do whatever I can to make me feel like Chase's mom.  I put the flowers on his grave and situate them and move them around and look at each flower and situate them again.  I talk to him and tell him how much I miss him and that I promise to see him again one day.  I look around and try to find signs.  There was a tree, the one casting the shadow on our family picture, that had a little birds nest in it, just above my head.  There were lots of flowers around to make me think of him.  The sun was shining, but not many clouds in the sky to try to find him in.  I know he's there, it's just hard to know where.  Maybe its in us--each of us.  Maybe that's why it was so hard to pinpoint him.  It just amazes me how normal this scene is for my kids.  To pick out flowers and visit a cemetery and pay respects to their brother.  But it is.  They will know this feeling and have this memory there whole lives.  We plan on moving Chase to a cemetery that is more accessible to us.  I'm a little sad that he will be leaving this cemetery because I like it, but it's just so hard for us to get to it and moving him will definitely allow us to visit him more often.  And it's not like it's "him", I know that.  But it's a physical place to celebrate him and remember him and know that the parts of him that made him a real little person on this earth and a part of this family are here.  His spirit, the love we feel for him and send him is always with us, but having his gravesite to visit is part of who we are now.  When we get settled in a permanent place, I want to have a memorial garden for him that I can see every day.  But for now,  this is what we do and how we live our lives with our little angel.  We have just under two weeks until his 3rd birthday.  A lot is going on in our lives and then again, there's a lot that is not.  I know wherever we go to celebrate his birthday will be special and I look forward to finding a little bit of peace in that day.