Happy Birthday Little Man

Chase turned two yesterday.  We've been without our precious little boy for two years.  It seems like yesterday, yet it seems like forever ago.  I can't believe how time flies but I can still imagine him in his isolette as if it happened moments ago.  So many emotions, so many feelings, so much fear.  The trauma that we both endured still clouds over the fact that he is gone.  Still searching for reasons, answers, clues.  And I still don't understand it.  Emma asks questions from time to time about what happened and why Chase isn't here with us.  I don't have all the answers for her.  I never will, and neither will she.  The anger I harbor surfaces at his birthday....I think it will for quite some time.  I look at Owen and don't see any real reason Chase shouldn't be here.  Yet I look at Owen and know he wouldn't be here if it weren't for Chase.

I am so lucky to have dear friends and family that sent their best wishes yesterday, letting me know we were in their thoughts.  The difference this year....I am holding a sweet babe in my arms.  When I cry, Owen smiles to let me know it's okay.  He is here.  He is healthy and he is here to help me through these moments.  For now, anyway...while I can pick him up and hold him in my arms and see Chase in my mind, yet feel Owen in my arms.  A pain that will forever be there, and a comfort at the same time.  Just as I'm getting used to Owen being in my life, I am still getting used to Chase not.  The absence of one, the presence of another.  Both my boys.  Both from my womb, sharing a part of me that only my kids know.  And carrying that part of me with them wherever they go.  

"I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go."

We are doing fine.  We are laughing and smiling and enjoying life.  But we still miss our little one.  We always will.  Until we meet again...

Dear Chase,

Happy 2nd birthday my little man.  I know you had a terrific birthday party up in heaven.  I try to picture you as a toddler running around, eating cake, opening presents, sitting on my lap, playing with your siblings.  But it's hard.  I want you here with us.  You are a part of our family and always will be.  We will never forget you, always love you, always celebrate you.  I love you sweet boy.  I love you to the moon and back.

Mommy