Luck

My family was very lucky today.  And as I lay in bed with them kissing them goodnight, I realize exactly how lucky we were.  How quickly everything could have changed for the worst and yet again our world turned upside down.   I realize that I am very lucky to be sitting down to supper with my family, to help them with their homework, to sit in a foot bath while they pamper me with a foot massage.  Because if things would have happened differently, we might not all be here, or we might be spending the night in the hospital tonight. But I am laying here in bed with my kids and life is going on, almost as if nothing had ever happened.  We talk about our fears and what scared us.....but it is almost mute because we are all here laying together.  And talking.  And we are here.  

On our way to music lessons, we slid down an icy road, headed toward a ravine with about a 15-20foot drop and then somehow found ourselves stopped, teetering (literally) on the edge of the road, two or three wheels on the ground, I'm not sure which, but very close to the edge and very close to falling into the ravine.  Amidst hysteria and terrorizing fear, the kids got out of the car to safety while I remained in the driver's seat unable to move while Emma held the backseat passenger door open where the kids and dog exited....for fear of sending the SUV off balance down into the ravine.  

Patric arrived in minutes, then shortly after the cops, firemen, ambulance and a tow truck, all came to help stabilize the vehicle so I could get out.  I don't know how long it took but I was able to exit the vehicle unscathed and we watched as they eventually pulled the car out.  We were all unharmed.  But it could have been different. Of course my biggest concern after getting the kids out was sustaining a fall, myself, in the vehicle that would not be good for the baby.  During the skid, while we were falling toward the ravine, all I could picture was what might happen; how we would fall, then roll, and what to do during all of this.  The fact that we stopped at all is a miracle.  And the terror in the kids' eyes to see me remain in the car was the worst part.  Knowing all that they have been through and are going through, I would never want to scare them like this.....thinking mom was in danger....again.  And the baby.....again.   

But we are fine.  We are all fine.  No one was hurt.  Thank God.  But for some weird reason, I feel very weird about this dose of luck we have been dealt.  Almost like we/I don't deserve it.  We were so unlucky with Chase, that now that we were lucky today, I almost feel unworthy of it.  I don't mean that I was recklessly driving or not paying attention or something, we were going very slow because of the road.  I just didn't put the 4x4 in when I should have, despite having thought about it.  That part happened fast, but the skidding...seemed slow motion.  However, after being on the short end of the stick as far as luck goes, it's weird to be on the other end.  And it makes me wonder about the baby.  I wonder if I will feel unworthy when he is born.....I am so used to being unlucky now.  Because, remember, all I really wanted was Chase in the first place.  

Believe me, though, I am counting our lucky stars tonight.  And looking back on the situation, amidst the  panic and fear in the kids, I felt calm.  Relatively speaking.  Not how I would have thought I would have reacted before Chase died.  I know someone was there helping us today; taking care of us.  And I feel it was Chase....and God.  Chase helped me to stay calm and keep my wits about me, though I was terrified of falling without a doubt.  Tears were falling, but I was stable, my belly was "normal" (not too hard, still moving!) and I was, in my opinion maybe not Patric's, holding it together, thinking as smartly as I could in the situation (i.e., not trying to get out when it wasn't smart to do so).  And I feel like I was protected somehow.  Blessed by a god who has more power than I do in that kind of situation.  And taken care of by my little angel, who follows us everywhere we go, doing more for us than I'm sure we are ever aware of.  

So thank you Chase for helping us.  And thank you God....for letting us be lucky today.