Let this be done...

I am ready for this trauma of Karly's accident to be over with. We went back to the dr. on Friday because I was worried about the oozing from her wound. The doc put Karly on some very high dose antibiotics and she has been so bravely drinking the worst smelling medicine I have ever seen. Sunday she was not feeling well and though I was pretty sure it was the antibiotics making her sick, I was paranoid about her wound not being well so after she registered a fever of 102+ at home, I decided we would go back to the ER to have it checked out.

The good news was they liked the wound and said it looked great so they took the stitches out. The bad news was Karly had what looked to be strep. For the love. What else does this kid need to damper her summer? We've been nursing that with double-dose ibu/pain reliever meds when she needs it. Ugh.

Then, like clockwork, Reese comes to me this morning with, "my throat hurts, I don't feel well. I'm going to lay down." Of course. Why would I think no one else would get this?

I'm tired of worrying. When Karly fell and had such a bad cut, I was scared. I felt my kids' mortality so acutely. Once again. Every time they get sick, I have "the worst" looming in the back of my mind because I know what it is like to lose a child. I wish I didn't, but I do, so those thoughts seem to surface whenever someone is ailing. But Karly fell and it happened so quick and it looked so awful and I couldn't believe we were dealing with what we had at hand. And I've been so worried about her arm and it healing that to have another, unrelated infection on top of it....I just don't need this! When Karly got sick I just didn't know what to do. And I was tired of not knowing what to do. I know what that feels like and then losing Chase--I didn't want to feel that way again. I finally broke down that morning with an overload of emotions feeling like a mother who can't take care of her own children. Like a failure. Of the worst kind. I was just tired, mostly, because of lack of sleep, but the burden of worry was making me more fatigued.

And now that Karly is almost halfway through her antibiotics, has her stitches out, and seemingly getting better, I feel another low blow knowing that Reese is coming down with her throat infection now and we are starting to battle this. Same bug, different kid.

I hate it when my kids are sick. Everybody does. Just those of us who know loss, seem to hate it a little bit more, almost on a level of paranoia.

Add this to my list of "things people say"

I wrote about Karly's fall last weekend and her bravery and courage for enduring the events that evening.  I wrote about how we talked about Chase and how he helped us through the ER visit and was there watching over us, taking care of us.

I went to the church where she fell the next day, with Karly, to tell them what happened and the (many) dangers of the sidewalk where it happened.  I was emotional and upset when it happened and the whole night through.  But by this time, I was not so angry anymore but merely needed to have this horrific obstacle removed from the sidewalk.  In my opinion, it was a hazard not only to the children but also the elderly, and for that matter anyone who could vouch for having tripped on a terrifically uneven sidewalk.  What happened to Karly happened, but I did not want it to happen again to anyone in my family or anyone at all.

The person we spoke to at church, however, was not so impressive.  He seemed genuinely relieved that Karly was okay, but made comments implying that children should not be running in this area.  Nevermind that ridiculous thought--this sidewalk is located between the day care playground and the parking for the parents who pick up their children from the day care.   He told Karly directly, in front of me and 2 other adults, that if she were attending church and would pray more often, this wouldn't have happened.  

{Gasp.}

He did say this as a joke, I am aware, but it was an uncomfortable laughter because it was a horrible joke.  I wondered if he knew he said this to a little girl who not only has more compassion than he does in his little finger but who lost her baby brother a year ago--a sweet boy who had to fight harder than this man will ever know for his fragile little life and lost that fight despite very specific prayers from thousands of people all over the world.

There were no words for this man.  Just a mission to remove a hazard....and the mission was accomplished.

This day

What a day.  And I can't remember a bit of it before 8pm.  I had taken the kids to help with Patric's youth group at the church and we had a great time.  We got back to the church to drop off some kids and mine wanted to run across to the road to the playground.  We were there for no more than 5 minutes.  I saw the kids running around the church on the sidewalk.  And I saw Karly crash and burn, not an unusual site for her.  She immediately got up and all three kids ran toward me and as they got nearer, they were only about 30 yards away to begin with, I could tell Karly was crying.  Then it's all just a rush....They were all talking.  Apparently she fell on some rocks and landed on the metal border that goes around the flower beds.  Karly showed me her arm and where I expected to see a minor scrap was a laceration about 2 cm wide, 8 cm long and down to her....well, I saw raw muscle I know that much.  I didn't think at all I just got the kids in teh car, told the adults were were going to the ER and raced about 200 yards down the street to the hospital.  It looked awful.  I have never seen a wound like that before.  And it was on my kid.  

I was back and forth between hysterically crying and calmly talking to the kids telling them everything was going to be alright.  Emma took care of Reese like a champ and waited with him in the waiting room while KJ and I went into triage.  To make a long story a little bit shorter, she ended up getting 15 stitches and Patric made it to the hospital from work, about 30 miles away, before the stitching started.  After the numbing shots, which were the worst part, but we were there together.  And Chase was there, too.  I could feel it.  Karly and I talked about him the whole time.  She was as scared as I've ever seen her.  She didn't want stitches at all but obviously this cut was leaving her no choice.  She kept telling me she couldn't do this.  She couldn't believe this was happening and she couldn't do this and she wanted to leave.  

But she did it.  With amazing strength and bravery.  She did it because she is a tough little girl who has been through far worse than most kids her age.  She did it because she knew her baby brother was there helping her through it.  I felt him there, too.  She did it because we were there to hold her hand through it and suffer through the pain until she was numb and couldn't feel anything.  And when you face what life throws you, this is what you must do.  She knows this.  She can do anything.  Because when we can't be there to hold her hand, Chase always will be and he has given her more strength than she realizes.  He has for all of us.

This day I feel him.  I am so blessed he is here to help us when we can't physically see or hear him.  He gives us strength we never knew we had.  I love you Chase.  

A new day

I have been visiting family a lot lately and having a much needed break from life in my small town. My little sis had her second baby and I got to hold him at just 8 days old. What a blessing. I had imagined many things anticipating this event and it was nothing I thought it would be. I feared it would be emotional, heartwrenching, and painful for me, probably because of my encounter with Faith. But it wasn't. Somehow Faith prepared me for this.  I was afraid I would only be able to see this new baby and feel what wasn't there. But I didn't. I was anxious for fear of loving this baby in a way that I wasn't supposed to or that was unhealthy. It wasn't that way at all.

I had the priveledge of holding my brand new baby nephew in my arms and seeing him for who he is....a piece of my baby sister and the newest member of her precious and growing family. I got to see her grow as a mom and see her daughter change into a big sister. I got to talk to her about our pregnancies and her trials as a new mother of 2. I spent priceless time with her and her children and got to share that with my kids. I never felt the sadness that I feared I would. I thought of my sweet Chase often, but I did not see him when I held my new nephew. I felt Chase's presence and his protective shield around me, but I did not feel sorrow for myself or my family. I watched my kids hold their new baby cousin and saw their smiles and shared their joy. My longing for my baby boy is something that will never fade away for me. But it doesn't take away from the many blessings that I see before me every day. My friend Carol put it this way: "...the sadness that we carry, the weight of that stone on my back, doesn't subtract from the happiness that I have now."

The hardest part about being around family is when everyone is together...from all the families. That is when I miss my little boy most and that is the hardest thing for people to understand. This hole will never be filled.....but we live with it and enjoy each day for what it brings.