All my life the phrase "defying the odds" meant that you strived for something that not many people were able to achieve or that no one expected you to do/obtain/achieve the things you did. Statistics. It's about those who did and those who didn't and the likelihood of what would or wouldn't happen. To defy the odds was an honor, or a blessing, and was to be regarded as such.
I don't feel the same way anymore. I feel like we defied the odds when we lost Chase. That wasn't what was supposed to happen. So now I am scared. I don't want to mess with any statistics anymore. Because being 1 in 100 is not amazing. It is scary. It might be a blessing, but it could also be tragic. This borders paranoia, which is no way anyone wants to live their life. Some would call it fear. Some might call it caution. Some might just say it's speaking from experience. For me, it definitely makes me think about everything I do, every decision I make. Who it will affect and how it will affect them/us? I feel mortal, indeed. I feel that what happens happens and it's how we deal with it that makes us who we are. And no, I don't want to sit around and worry about the statistics, because I can't change them or put them to my advantage all the time. So I will make my decisions and deal with whatever happens. Whatever it may be.
I agree with the whole odds thing. Nate was given a 90% chance of survival. He was supposed to go home the next day but then the hospital made a mistake and instead....I buried him. I told my hubby a hundred times "why couldn't we have won the lottery" and "maybe we should go to Vegas the way that we're playing the odds". It stinks to be on this side of it. I get jealous when I hear of "miracles" on the news or when I meet someone that had a premie baby that was given a 10% chance of survival. I think "that was supposed to be me"!!!!
ReplyDeleteRight there with you girl!
Trisha
I understand completely how you are feeling. It used to feel special, to be one in a million. Electric, like playing the lottery. Now it feels like playing Russian Roulette. Odds, statistics, they are not our friends. We, were one in 10,000.
ReplyDeleteIn our parents grief group that we attend... my husband and I noticed everyone in that group was the ONE. It doesn't seem fair to anyone. I also wanted to say that your son is so beautiful. I love the pictures you have posted of him.
ReplyDeleteI totally get what you are saying. We were told that I was one in a million for why my early labor was caused. I do not feel special anymore for being the "one." I agree that what happens makes us who we are.
ReplyDeletexx
This is definitely a case where the odds suck. 1 in any number is too much in my opinion. I definitely agree that we can make the situation instead of the situation making us.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this post Christy. My son only had a ten percent chance of not surviving his open heart surgery. To be in that ten percent was devastating. It has affected every area of my life as I no longer take comfort in the odds being in my favour. Being someone who knows firsthand that the odds can go against you, I don't blame you one bit for being reluctant to make decisions based on what we have lived through. Sending you hugs.
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