I haven't felt like blogging lately. I think it's because I am either preoccupied....or just plain numb. I feel emotionless often...when I see babies and things to do with babies (which is almost everything). Chase does not consume my thoughts to the degree that he once had. I hate that. I hate that more than anything. I have said before that I control my thoughts. Consciously, I do. But I find myself not so continuously haunted by him...unless I specifically try to "go there." I don't automatically think of our traumatic night everytime I drive by the hospital anymore. Then there are times I look at that building and my stomach turns inside out. I force myself to think about the two miracles that took place there when I brought home Reese and Karly. Because to think about the chaos that occured when Chase was born, it sucks the wind out of me. Nausea sets in. Again. So I do still control my thoughts. And because I don't allow myself to focus on all the horrible things that happen, I find myself not so consumed.
But I want to be consumed. I don't ever want to forget him. I don't ever want to try to remember him. I want him there, in my thoughts. Always. I want him behind my eyelids. I want him in my breaths. I want him everywhere and I don't want that feeling to ever go away.
I fear more than ever that it is going away, though. I wake up now and try to remember if I was thinking about him before I fell asleep. I feel bad still, for smiling and laughing. Because I have so much to grieve yet.
...
I watched Taylor Swift win Entertainer of the Year last night and though impressed by her accomplishments, I wonder when she will find herself changing. She graciously accepted her award and said something to the effect, "everything that I have ever wanted in my life just happened." I wish we all had the chance to say that just one time in our lives. She is merely 19 and got her turn. But is that really everything? We know it is not. And at 37, I have never wished for my turn more than now.
Christy, I am right there with you. All of it.
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So sorry. I know what you mean when you say you control your thoughts. I find I try to do that. I think it is all the pressure I feel by everyone around me to feel better. To move on. How do you move on? You suppress who you are? Pretend you didn't get to keep your child? Thinking of you. God bless.
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I feel so very much of what you wrote. Taylor's words also struck me when she said that...I thought something to the degree of "enjoy it while it lasts, no ones life is that perfect." I hate that I am negative now, that those thoughts even cross my mind.
ReplyDeleteIm still early in my grief process and still consumed by thoughts of my son. I wish I could control my thoughts. It dominates my life now. I am sure that Chase knows that you love and miss him very much. I would bet my house that he loves that your smiling and finding a little joy in life again. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteHi Christy! I relate to so much of what you have written here. I used to feel physically sick when I drove past the hospital where I had the girls, and now I don't always have that horrible feeling. Sometimes I just feel so numb, I try not to go to that day when I lost them, it just hurts too much, but I don't know that this is a healthy thing for me to be doing...sigh. I wish we all lived with the ignorant bliss that Taylor Swift lives with...I hope she knows how lucky her life has been and that it can all change within a matter of seconds. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are feeling guilt when sadness when you aren't thinking of Chase. Our babies will always be a part of us no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI'm just now getting to the point where the baby stuff isn't as painful. But it's been 19 months for me. I think that yours will come in time. It just takes a while to heal.
Thank you so much for your kind words today. I was in the middle of a really bad moment and I prayed for God to help me through it. 20 minutes later I read your message on my phone while sitting at gymnastics. God truly used you to help me through my day. It means more than you'll ever know.
Thank you for everything! I just love ya to pieces and I'm so glad that I have you on this path with me.
Big Hugs,
Trisha
Chase will always be with you no matter what. I feel so many of your thoughts and feelings. Thinking of you and that precious angel of yours.
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Oh Christy. Your post-- it makes me sad. Sad because I know too well what you are talking about.
ReplyDeleteI think the grief is a very cyclical thing. Before you know it, you are fully immersed in and consumed by the grief-- the longing. After almost three years, I still feel this way.
It's okay to smile. To laugh. To let your heart feel a little bit of what it used to. It's okay.
Thinking of you, and that sweet baby's face that greets me when I open your blog. xxxx
I don't think it is possible to forget them. Even if you tried. There will always be a reminder, a thought in the back of your mind. They're forever part of us.
ReplyDeleteAnd you mentioning TS made me think that while there are highs in life there are also lows. You can't ride the high forever.
You will always grieve, and always miss Chase. That is normal, and okay. Its okay to smile and laugh...Chase would want you to go on and live your life. While he isn't with you on earth, he is with you in spirit every day. *hugs*
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