Dreaded Anticipation

I have been thinking a lot about the holidays coming up....and, of course, I am not looking forward to a blatent recognition of what is not there. I don't want to celebrate these cheery events without him. I want to dress him up in his Halloween costume, I want to give him his first bite of Thanksgiving mashed potatoes, I want to buy little Christmas ornaments and toys and clothes for him, I want to share the joy that I should be living at a time of peace and thankfulness with my family, and everyone else because of what I should have. But none of that is going to happen. It can't and there is nothing I can do about it. Patric is right when he says the only thing I see in our family picture is what is not there. I don't blame him for getting frustrated with me and my emotions....my sadness. It's not fair to the three absoulte miracles that we have here with us to be this way. It's not fair that they have to see the sadness in their mom's face or hear it in her voice at such an exciting and delicious time of year. It's not fair....

So I have thought a lot about what I am going to do this holiday season. How I am going to get through it. How I will survive and hopefully thrive. Part of me is scared....scared that I will crumble. Because I know that is a possibility. But I'm not going to let that happen. Patric won't let that happen to me. I know I will be sad for what it is. But I also know that it is going to be a very special time for this family. It will be a time of joy, a time of peace, a time of happiness and celebration.

I've got a list of things I have planned for us. I don't think I'm going to share it because of the (slight) possibility of setting myself up for failure! But I have some very special things in my head that I think will give me the time and reason and place I need to remember Chase and let the kids honor him in a happy and joyous setting. I hope to have the opportunity to show our love for each other and all our kids and let those who care for us know us as a family. I hope to enlighten those who are in our lives with an insight that most people don't have, a perspective that you hope you never gain, and our reason to find peace and joy in this time of year. In doing this, I hope I give and get the most out of these next few months. I am still searching for who I am after having Chase. I am not the same person. I know things and experience things completely different. I feel different and act different. I love different. So this winter is about being thankful for what I have, showing that and giving that. We will remember Chase as we do every minute of every day, but we will remember him and celebrate him this Christmas because he deserves it. Chase is so completely worth celebrating. I can't promise I won't have my sad moments wishing he was here. But I will try. I will try to reform my sadness for what is not into happiness for what is. And that is 4 beautiful children, an amazing husband and a whole lotta love.