The Things People Say...

I think all of us who have bean dealt the tragedy of losing a child have experienced awkward moments or things that you can't believe people say. Having said that, we know that no one really knows what to say at a time like this. No one. However, I also don't know how to react to some of the things people say. The truth is, though, sometimes there are no words. And sometimes things are better left unsaid. And that doesn't mean to fill the silence with nonsense, but just that silence is golden. I don't know about other moms who have lost babies, but there are times I don't want to talk at all. If I can't talk about Chase, I don't want to talk. And most people don't feel comfortable talking about dead babies. I don't want to talk about other people, things, or what is going on. I don't want to talk about anything. There are times I do want to talk. And I babble. Or I think out loud. But because of my personality, I have tended to withdraw from society. I turn down offers to get together with large groups. Small groups are okay. And I have to feel comfortable or I won't go or worse yet, up and leave. But I wanted to share a few things that people, not knowing what to say, or thinking they have words to help, have said to me. Words that I ignore, or act like they were never said to protect them from feeling bad. And why? I'm the one who is hurt. Why must I feel the need to protect others. Protecting others is what got me in this awful nightmare. That's the way I feel, anyway. Those words though meant to be of comfort, are sometimes words that make me disappear to my own little corner of the world, grab my Chase blanket and cry....

"So how are you doing?" I don't know why, but just a simple & typical, "How are you?" would be a lot less likely to invoke tears.

"How does it feel to have some free time to yourself?" Are you kidding? Think about it, please, before you say this to a baby loss mama.

"What is your mom going to do, no one to babysit now that the kids are all in school?" My mom comes to take care of the kids for a week every year during our annual event we put on. This year, she was going to get to take care of a 4-month-old baby, feed, bathe, take care of and just oogle over for a whole week. Not so.

"Is your tummy leftover from the baby or are you pregnant again?" I know. You can pick your chin up off the floor now.

"Remember, don't tell anyone you were here." This doesn't belong here but it's one that haunts me...it's what my doctor said to me after he attempted to "secretly" break my water at 38 weeks; instead, however, I bled like an animal and 13 hours later he finally did a stat c-section to a lifeless baby that took 6 minutes of resuscitation to breathe on his own. This is why I have not yet written "Our Story" for my blog. My nightmare is very traumatic.

"Oh yes you did. Believe me, you felt it." Another one--what my doctor said after I awoke from surgery when I told him that I didn't really feel much pain during surgery, even though I did not have any anesthesia. "Your memory will eventually come back," he told me. Another haunting bit of information I could have done without.

Here is one that I got 3 different times when I was about a month after losing Chase from people who were merely acquaintances and certainly did not know of our tragedy. "Congratulations!" with a smile and pointing to my post-baby bump. Oh, how I wanted to be congratulated...but for the birth of my son, not because I still looked pregnant. Another one, "so when are you due?" Ouch.

I think I'm going to keep this list going. The things people say are just unbelievable sometimes. It's usually because they just haven't thought about how I might take it. But maybe it's because I just know so much more than I ever needed to in my lifetime.