Reese went to pre-school yesterday. A friend asks me, "How does it feel to have some time to yourself at home--just to not have any kids around?" How does it feel? Devastating. That's how it feels. It reminds me of my broken heart, the emptiness, what is missing in my life. Right now I'm busy with work. I'm doing stuff that has to be done. But in a couple weeks I won't. I might need Reese...more than he needs me.
I've had a rough few days. It's probably hormonal...PMS, whatever. That's not what it IS, but that is what is probably emphasizing my emotions right now. I can't even explain my emotions though. I walked out of church Sunday. I started crying and couldn't stop. All I could see was Chase's "box", as the kids call it, with his baby blankets and flowers hung over it. I just had to leave. I got home, cried to Patric some more and held Reese so tight. I am so lucky to have him. I can't imagine surviving without those hugs.
Yesterday when we took Reese to school, he got scared. He started crying and couldn't stop (I know how you feel, buddy). In a room with just me, him and dad, he just fell into my chest and when we asked what was the matter, he said crying, "I'm just so scared." It was all I could do not to open the flood gates myself. He asked me to stay with him and I told him I would. I promised him over and over I would stay with him until he said it was okay for me to go. He said he didn't want me to go. I promised him with my entire being that I wouldn't leave him without talking to him first and he didn't have to stay if he didn't want to. I had done that with the girls, snuck out of the preschool or left them crying, knowing they would have fun once they got into their activities. But not this time.
I promised Chase so many things in the NICU that I can't live up to. I don't have the opportunity to keep those promises. I will NOT ever again promise my kids something that I can't keep. There was no way I was going to walk out of Reese's pre-school yesterday without him knowing I was leaving, IF he was okay with that. As expected, he warmed up after circle time and gave me the thumbs up. I told him I was going to leave and he was okay with it. All I could think of was Chase...and promises....and how I could not lie to Reese like it felt I had to Chase.
I picked him up just a short while later (the time flew for me, being so busy) and I couldn't wait to have him in my arms. I have constant reminders of the moment Chase died and when I drop Reese off, one of them is standing right there, dropping of or picking up their child. Seeing Reese, though, feeling him, touching, him, hearing him, erases it all, for a moment.
I've had a rough few days. It's probably hormonal...PMS, whatever. That's not what it IS, but that is what is probably emphasizing my emotions right now. I can't even explain my emotions though. I walked out of church Sunday. I started crying and couldn't stop. All I could see was Chase's "box", as the kids call it, with his baby blankets and flowers hung over it. I just had to leave. I got home, cried to Patric some more and held Reese so tight. I am so lucky to have him. I can't imagine surviving without those hugs.
Yesterday when we took Reese to school, he got scared. He started crying and couldn't stop (I know how you feel, buddy). In a room with just me, him and dad, he just fell into my chest and when we asked what was the matter, he said crying, "I'm just so scared." It was all I could do not to open the flood gates myself. He asked me to stay with him and I told him I would. I promised him over and over I would stay with him until he said it was okay for me to go. He said he didn't want me to go. I promised him with my entire being that I wouldn't leave him without talking to him first and he didn't have to stay if he didn't want to. I had done that with the girls, snuck out of the preschool or left them crying, knowing they would have fun once they got into their activities. But not this time.
I promised Chase so many things in the NICU that I can't live up to. I don't have the opportunity to keep those promises. I will NOT ever again promise my kids something that I can't keep. There was no way I was going to walk out of Reese's pre-school yesterday without him knowing I was leaving, IF he was okay with that. As expected, he warmed up after circle time and gave me the thumbs up. I told him I was going to leave and he was okay with it. All I could think of was Chase...and promises....and how I could not lie to Reese like it felt I had to Chase.
I picked him up just a short while later (the time flew for me, being so busy) and I couldn't wait to have him in my arms. I have constant reminders of the moment Chase died and when I drop Reese off, one of them is standing right there, dropping of or picking up their child. Seeing Reese, though, feeling him, touching, him, hearing him, erases it all, for a moment.
Damn it, we need to live closer. I hate this...it's so unf**fair. I'm the big sister I'm supposed to BE there for you...I'm supposed to have been through it first to let you know you can get through it too. I'm lost. My heart is broken for you...with you...I ache to be with you, to make it better for you and Pat and the kids and to fix it and wake you all up from this nightmare. I can't make it better and I'm so so so sorry for that. Just please know: I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. close your eyes and feel my hugs...
ReplyDeletexxxxxx
talk to you tonight...
I am so sorry for your rough days. I hope that you get some comfort soon. I am glad that you have your Reese to "erase it for a moment". It is crazy how this loss recreates our emotions for us - about everything. Prayers and love
ReplyDeleteOh Christy, I can SO relate. I want the world for my kids, always have but its different now. I can't tell them everything will be okay, because I don't know that. We told L we would fight for him forever, but we lost that fight...I feel like we lost that fight for him. We always made sure the kids had whatever they needed, now...its like I want to give them everything and more. More then what they want or need. I feel like I need to make up for those times I may have said something was going to be okay, and it wasn't. Especially when it comes to E & L. I couldn't protect them the way I was supposed to and I worry I won't be able to protect B & K either. I HATE this new life, I HATE these new fears, I HATE this new reality.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, walking this long journey with you...
Lots of *hugs*