Four Months

Today we have been without Chase for 4 months. The middle part of each month that passes is a blur--because the events that surrounded Chase's life were a blur. There are several days that very significant things happened and I am not always triggered by what specifically happened on one anniverseray day or another. Instead of just remembering my baby's birthdate, I have the tragic memories of his birth date, the day he died, the memorial date and the day he was buried. Besides all of that, there are the specifics of the surgery that haunt me, the details of the delivery that I regret, and hopefully my doctor does, too, the memory of riding in an ambulance for 3 hours, the heartbreaking moment I first saw Chase in the NICU, those 3 days of his life that I so dearly wish I had back, leaving the hospital without a baby and the tearful return to home empty handed, the funeral and memorial services and picking out everyone's clothes to wear to the church for that very dark day forever etched into my brain. Then the 6 hour road trip to the internment a week later and feeling like we went through everything all over again. So I am hoping that one day, I will remember my son's birth, the days we had with him and smile at the blessing that we were given for such a short time. I will think of his perfect features, his head full of feathery black hair, his 10 fingers and 10 toes and his chubby legs and have joyful thoughts of my son. But for now, my sadness overrules. My memories are of a very, very dark time days in our lives. My tears come, often unannounced, with those memories and what should have been.