A race weekend

This was the weekend for the Race for Fetal Hope in Denver which I had signed up for several months ago.   I wanted to run this 5k race for me, Chase and all the babies that got help from and would someday need help from this foundation.  I haven't exactly been training by definition.  But these days, training means getting whatever I can in whenever I can and it's not as always consistent or scheduled as I would like, but it's productive and for this reason, I like to challenge myself by running races.  I really liked the idea of running a race for an organization like this and when I registered, I ordered customized bibs for the event with Chase's picture on it in memory of him--a special keepsake for my memory box. I ordered 3 with the possibility that I might decide to register the girls for the run, too, depending on our schedule.  A couple weeks ago, then, I decided to register for the Turkey Trot 10k because I had a pretty good time on one of my runs and thought I might actually be able to catch some old times of mine.  This race was scheduled the day before the Fetal Hope run.  I thought it would be a good chance for me to run a 10k and if I was up for it, I'd still give it my all for the 5k, and if not, I'd run/walk it with the girls or possibly not go at all because we had a scheduling conflict on Sunday (Reese's SuperBowl).

Fast forward to Friday and I finally registered the girls for the Fetal Hope run on Sunday, still planning on running the Turkey Trot on Saturday, competitively.  Saturday morning was cold, but Owen only woke up once in the middle of the night, so things looked good for me getting to the race on time.  I felt good physically, cleaned out digestively (yay!) and thus  was very stoked for the race when I got there. Lined up, couldn't hear anything from the race announcers so I just followed the crown and off we went!  I felt pretty good for the first mile.  I noticed there were a lot of younger runners (like 6-9 year olds) and I did also notice a lot of light green bibs while mine was light orange, but still did not think anything was awry.  Everyone was running pretty fast and I didn't see the competitive runners but I figured they were way ahead of me already anyway.  My mile 2 pace was right on, as well and I felt awesome.  Thinking things were good.  Then, it was over.  We wrapped around teh school and there was the finish line and my race, that I thought was a 10k, was only a 2mi and it was over.  I didn't even sprint at the finish because I thought I still has 4 miles left.  

Hmmmm.  Not a super bright move on my part.  But you know what.  There was nothing I could do about it.  APparently the 10k runners lined up and went the other direction from the start of the 2 mile race where I had lined up.   Oh.Well.  I wasn't even breathing hard when it was over.  In fact, I was tempted to keep running just because I was warmed up and feeling pretty good.  But I didn't.  I went to my car and headed home.  Only to be rewarded in my headphones by the voice of Lance Armstrong, congratulating me on the fastest mile I have ever run at 6.4 something.  Little did he know I was in my car for the last half of that mile.  Ha!  I hadn't even shut off my watch yet!  I decided to turn into Einstein's Bagels and grab me a bagel and a latte.  Something I was looking forward to after my 10k, but decided to binge anyway.  

The funny part to this story is that when I got the results later that evening, I opened up the email curious as to what the 10k times were for the race.  However, the 2 mi popped on my screen first and there was my name--I won my age division for the 2mile.  The irony.  Even though I could care less about a 2 mile race, I got first place and my age group was the most populated age group in both the 2 mi and 10k female races.  It barely felt like I got a workout that day, but I decided that I would try my best at the 5k in the morning (today) and see how I did.....

Now to today--Sunday.  It snowed most of the day yesterday and was pretty cold this morning when we woke up.  But we were pumped to participate so we dressed warm and headed downtown.  We picked up our bibs and shirts and pinned on our Chase bibs with the race bib to the shirts we got.  After hanging out in the warm car for a while, we made our way to the start line and listened to music and waited for start instructions.  They were going to start us in two waves--the first being the fast runners (8:45 pace or less) and the rest waiting a few minutes before they started.  There were over 1500 Girls on the Run participants so the start was pretty busy.  Later I would regret it, but I sent the girls back to the second wave start line while I stayed up at the front to run with the faster runners.  As the start time neared, the announcer talked about the organization and how it started and what it meant to him, the person who started the whole thing with his wife when they were pregnant with twins who were diagnosed with TTTS and told would die in utero.  Their girls are now 9 and active and healthy.   He spoke of some other twins that were present today who were celebrating their 3rd birthdays, some others that were 8 years old now.  Then he said there were some people running for loved ones and said "The Pearson family is here running for their baby brother".  He said another family and then said, "And there are several others here running for angels, as well." The tears in my eyes had been welling up and as soon as I heard our name, I started bawling.  I was right up at the front of the start line, all by myself, but with several hundreds of people and standing right near the speaker as well.  No one knew me and I had my sunglasses on so my tears were flowing very freely.  And it was just bizarre.  I had suddenly really regretted not standing next to the girls and hoped they heard our name mentioned.  I felt like Chase was talking to me through him.  I felt so alone lost in the middle of a sea of people listening to a loudspeaker that was speaking directly to me.  It sounded like he said our name randomly, but so very purposefully.  It didn't mean anything to ANYONE except me and the girls, and like I said, I didn't even know if the girls heard it.  I felt Chase's presence right then.  But not like he was right there with me or on my shoulders or something.  Just like he was watching.  I cried until there was 15 seconds left to start.  I don't know if anyone saw me but it was so loud that I didn't worry about anyone hearing me.  My bib with his picture was on my back so I know everyone behind me saw it and I kept thinking about that the whole time I was running.  Each time I passed someone or someone passed me, I knew they saw my bib.  Strangely, I didn't see anyone else with personalized bibs like we had made, but I know there were other teams running for loved ones.  Most of the runners were the Girls on the Run organization and then the runners at the start with me were I'd say pretty competitive, so somewhere in between there were people running specifically for this cause.  

I'd say I ran the first mile on emotion.  I didn't know my feet were so cold until the gun went off and I took my first step and couldn't feel my feet.  Brrr.  The feeling came back by the second mile and I tried to keep my pace up.  THe last mile I picked up my pace and sprinted the end.  As soon as I crossed the finish I started looking for the girls to catch up with them.  When I finally did, I asked them if they heard the announcer and they did not.  :o(  I was really bummed.  And then I felt even more like Chase was talking to me, letting me know he was there.  It was really strange and it's hard to explain but whenever there is any sort of connection to him, I'll take it and embrace it.  I have no expectations when it comes to getting signs from him because I will never know.  I signed up for this race with Chase in the forefront of my mind but I didn't expect to feel him with me or get any sign from him.  I just felt it would honor him and that it was a great cause to support.  That's not to say that I don't hope for signs though.  So when something like this happens, I go with my gut and what it feels like at the moment.  And right then and there, it was amazing.  Incredible.  Emotional.  Magical.  And most of all...Private.  

So I ended up 3rd in my age group out of over 300 women (most were probably with Girls on the Run but still!)  The girls and I had a quick bite before we headed home. It felt good to be with them, doing something healthy together for an important cause.  I couldn't have asked for a better morning.  

Would you want to know?

I have many times in my life believed the old adage, "Ignorance is Bliss."  That is, in my parenting life. I felt that through my first pregnancy, my first trials as a parent, breastfeeding, bathing, doing all the things with a new baby and learning all the tricks.  I did a lot of preparing, went to lamaze classes and read books, but I knew it was all going to be on me when that baby was placed in my arms and I was led by my instincts first and foremost.  When I felt I needed to take the baby to the doctor, I didn't hesitate or stew about it, I went.  Just the same--I listened to my body when I was pregnant or nursing and when I felt something was wrong, I had it checked out or if I didn't feel right while exercising, I stopped.  Then I built on my experiences and my knowledge base grew.  Heck, by now I should nearly be an expert on this thing of parenting, right?  I guess it depends on who ya talk to in this house, lol!

Losing Chase changed my thinking on that old saying, though.  And unfortunately, it has affected my kids in a way that have only begun to surface.  A lot of times, yes, I wish I never knew about all those things that can go wrong during pregnancy and birth.  And life.  But, I also know that if I would have known, or just not even "expected" everything to go perfect as usual, I could have easily made the outcome different that day that Chase was born.  And trust--I never would have put so much blind trust into my doctor, if I would have known about abruptions and things like that.  And I can go back and kick myself all I want as I do every day and will for the rest of my life.  But it doesn't change the fact that we have options---ignorance or education.

I recently met a young woman who is the age I was when I first started having kids and she is so close to starting her family it's like looking in a mirror.  And as I tell her about my kids and answer her questions about having babies and being ready and all that, I hold back my story about Chase because I normally don't tell expectant moms or younger what happened for fear of scaring them and in turn causing stress during their pregnancy.  It's not my privilege to decide whether they should endure their pregnancy knowing what can go terribly wrong and to be at least a little prepared for that alternative or that they enjoy their pregnancy in pure bliss because they don't know what there is to be scared about.  I certainly enjoyed my first four pregnancies that way.  And I am so glad that I did.  And I am so sorry that I did.

So I don't know.  I hate the fact that babies can die.  But I hate that life happens this way sometimes, too.  But I love life, just as much.  As sad as I am, I am that happy, too.  It all comes together.  I don't know that I would call it harmony, but it is a balance.  It's not always an equal balance, some days are definitely harder than others.  But I've learned that it happens.  And we can either be prepared for it, or we can be free for a while and then blindsided later.  It's our choice.  And I know that I'm not going to make that choice for anyone but me.

Halloween

We had an awesome Halloween.  It was so much fun with Owen at this age.  He looked so cute in his little zebra costume and by the end of the night had mastered "Tik-oooh-teet!", "Tankoo", and "Happy-ween!"  He tried to keep up with big sis and big bro and this resulted in a spill right before we got back to the house so we had a nice mark on the side of his head from falling on a step, but thanks to the large mounds of candy everywhere, he soon forgot about it.  Reese and Kar felt much more comfortable this year in our neighborhood and it was fun to take them to so many different houses and meet so many nice people that really enjoyed seeing the kids come to their door.  The zig-zagged down the street and made out like banshees.  (word?)  Emma stayed home to hand out candy in her cool Katniss costume until we got home and told her she had to go check out the haunted garage decorations down the street. Her and Patric thought they were pretty cool.

When the night was done I hated taking Owen's zebra costume off.  He loved it and I can't say enough about how cute it was.  I remember Reese wearing it but he didn't enjoy it near as much as Owen did and we didn't trick-or-treat much where we used to live.  I never got to see Chase in the zebra outfit so I really relished every minute of this evening.   And to have it all be over....is sad.  I'm glad it was so much fun.  It is a memory we will cherish forever.  

Destination: Maui!

We took a family trip last week--padded our fall break at school with a few extra days and ended up in Maui, for the first time as a family.  The kids worked very hard the days leading up to get their homework done in advance and pack their bags and clean their rooms so by the time Thursday rolled around they were all revved up and we could't get to the airport fast enough!

Everything from the check-in, to the security, to the train ride to the terminal, to boarding the plane was an adventure as it was the first time in several years since the big kids had flown.  It was fun and I was very proud of them for being such good travelers.  I was a bit of a flake myself as I had too many kids and too many bags to worry about. (when I didn't need to because they were keeping track of it themselves!) This resulted in me leaving behind my DSLR camera and lenses on the plane in LA.  Needless to say I was freaked out about it and there was absolutely nothing I could do before our flight left LA.   My heart had sunk as I was very excited about getting some great family photos and playing around with my camera on this trip.  But Karly had her camera and we all had our phones so I had to decide if I was going to move on or sulk the entire trip and there was no way I was going to not enjoy this as much as I could.  I was very lucky to even get the camera back in the end but that's when persistence pays off and it showed up Friday.  Whew!

Enough about my screwup, which turned out to save another screwup...and then to nearly be trumped by an even bigger screwup that we were spared by the skin of our teeth.  Anyway!  The trip was a blast.  I actually made a couple other mistakes, too, but they were fixed and we were able to enjoy a luau, a dinner cruise, waterfalls, some beautiful sunsets and a lot of sun, sand and pool time.  I don't think there was much else we could have asked for and we can't stop talking about "next time" we go back.

I was a little emotional as the trip neared.  This was a trip we had longed for (especially me) ever since I was pregnant with Emma and had visited the resort we had booked for the first time.  As bad as I wanted to take the kids to this awesome place, I was sad that we were doing it without Chase.  I remember thinking after Chase died that there would always be at least a little sadness in anything we did, no matter how wonderful, fun, beautiful, or amazing it was.  Because we would be missing a member of our family.  And that feeling surfaced as the trip got closer.   But I am used to having this perspective now.  Just as I am with having our rainbow baby, too.  The resort had some really neat pools and play areas for babies/toddlers and I loved using them.  I couldn't help but think if we didn't have Owen how heavy my heart would feel just walking past these pools....with no reason to be there.  Owen was a lot of work and had to be watched closely in the water but I cherished every moment with him.  I loved that I had to figure out how and where to get him to sleep and had a reason to play in the beach pool made for toddlers.  I loved chasing after him and watching him roll in the sand and run from the ocean waves and trying to teach him to not throw sand and watching him crush the sand castles we built and point out airplanes and the fish.....the list goes on.  I loved every second of it.  Because as much as I loved all that, I missed doing all of that with Chase.  I couldn't help but think how much fun Owen and Chase would be having playing together....but I was so thankful to at least have Owen.  Just as thankful that I am to have Emma, Karly and Reese.  Being surrounded by so much beauty and the vastness of the ocean makes me feel so appreciative.

So I wrote Chase's name on the beach.  A lot.  And watched the waves take it away time and time again.  I talked to him.  I know he was with us.  I just wish it was in the flesh.  It would have been so much better.  

The kids were awesome and they had so much fun.  It was definitely a dream come true being able to share this with them and do this trip as a family.  I told Patric I don't think I could have enjoyed myself at this resort if the kids weren't with us.  He felt the same way.  It's something we will be talking about for a long time.  I'm already working on a scrap book for the trip.  yes, I have plenty of pictures even without my DSLR.  And we are slowly getting back into the grove of things....and remembering that flip-flop season is over!

October

This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and I've been participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief 2012 project.  It's been a little more challenging and emotional than I had anticipated.  And time consuming.  But it has been therapeutic and comforting.  You can post your photo on Instagram and/or Facebook and it has been so emotional to read the posts.  I don't even touch the surface of all who are sharing but I am still moved.  I am touched by the things that people post particular to the place they are in their journey.  I am also affected by the men that post, maybe because they have a FB account and it's that easy to do.  They are not necessarily blogging type dads but they put their feelings out there nonetheless, when given the medium.  Seeing them hurt  and share their feelings is emotional.  Also I'm moved by those that have just joined this community from recent losses.  It reminds me of the way I felt and how much I still feel that way in some respects.  Proving that the pain never does go away.  I have been very emotional about finding Chase's things to photograph and have seen some things I haven't looked at in a very long time.  The tears that come with this have been healing in some ways, too.  

I have also been reading some blogs of moms who have lost or are losing their young children to cancer.  It's painful to read but, like pregnancy and infant loss, it's not talked about because it's an uncomfortable topic and until people start talking about it enough, the care and treatment for children with cancer will not get better.  It is amazing what some people can accomplish on this earth when their anger is channeled into creating good out of evil.  These moms truly are making a difference.   I know Ronan and Ty are so lucky to have the moms they do.  Amazing women.

We have our trip planned in the middle of this month so I will actually be on a beach for the 15th, just not Christian's.  But I will anxiously be awaiting the photos Carly will be posting.  Here is a photo of the flag I made for Chase.

I am so glad I sent my flag in early because I actually got a personal email from her saying she got it, which I was very grateful for because when I mailed it I pretty much just crossed my fingers!  Oh, and she also sent me this photo for Chase.  

Anyway, I saw some pictures of other flags she had already received and was quite humbled, to say the least.  I told her this and she let made me feel very good about my flag.  I have to say, the best thing about this was that I finally got to work on a project for Chase--like a school project for the other kids.  I had my time set aside only for Chase.  I had to get it in the mail pretty quickly by the time I found out about the project so I just used things I had around the house.  To me, each piece of it means something, though to anyone else, it might look plain.  I wanted it simple, but my resources were scrap pieces of material and ribbons.  The yellow fabric I chose, though, was fabric I had bought when Emma was a baby.  It has Winnie the Pooh sewn into it and I never got around to using it for whatever I had bought it for.  Until now.  Chase will be represented on Christian's Beach October 15th and I know he will like having his own flag!  I can't wait to catch that sunrise myself.   More pictures to follow.  Until then, check in on my Capture Your Grief photos here.