Reese's 1st Flag Football Game in Carbon Valley
Monday, August 22, 2011
....my arms used to ache from being empty. Some days I hold Owen and hug him.....and remember those days. I never hugged my other babies this way. I'm glad I never had to. I remember the pain from the emptiness and there was nothing I could do about it. I just held Chase in my heart. Now I feel what it would have been like with Chase in my arms....and my heart aches again, a million times over. I will never stop missing my baby boy. And I thank him for sending us Owen. When I see Owen's quirky little smiles as he looks at my tears, I know Chase is behind it all. They have somethin' on me. I know it. I love you Sweet Chase.<
Saturday, August 20, 2011
We had alot going on this week. Thankfully Patric was here to help with it all. Unfortunately we spent half of the week not talking much because of an argument and I really hated this because I knew I would need him for the deposition--I would need him to be there for me when I was weak and stumbling. And he was. We talked through our "spat" and got "us" fixed again....just in time.
I don't want to get into the deposition very much other than to "vent" about the whole purpose of this lawsuit from our perspective versus anyone else's. Like the attorneys, for example. I had met a few attorneys in our pursuit to find one that would represent us and those experiences were not pleasant, mostly given the circumstances. One of the attorneys was completely heartless when he spoke to me and finally told me he couldn't represent me because he didn't think we could prove negligence.....all the while his wife was having a baby any day. Ouch. The attorney that we did chose is very good and friendly, respectful of our sensitivity to the topic and his firm seems very nice whenever I speak with them. However, when I went to the deposition, I quickly learned the business of this lawsuit. And it started when our attorney was telling me the "important" points in our case. And when I told her things that led up to that or details that surrounding these points, she said "but none of that matters, stay focused" and I just looked at Patric with tears welling up and said "but it all matters, every second of every bit of this matters". I can't understand it, but I start to see it for what it is...
There was no human factor to anyone but me while I was in that room. This is a job for them and when the day is done, they go home to their kids and my dead baby means nothing to them. I don't know why I would expect that--this is a job after all. To me and Patric, however, this is about our baby boy and we go home at the end of the day, we only get to see his picture....and hope and pray we said the right things to the attorneys that will allow us to live proudly and with the same dignity we had before we walked into that deposition. And if the cards are played right, we will get the satisfaction of knowing that what this doctor did to us will not go unnoticed and will not be allowed to do the same thing to anyone else. But this is a game. And while our stakes are our dignity and grace and peace, the stakes of the attorney are the money of the insurance companies. And we are merely pawns in that game. They never knew my son. I don't think they have even seen pictures of him. They don't want to, though. They don't want to make this job of theirs "human" when it involves a death or loss. That would be too painful. Too real. To them it remains a job, a profession with an end in sight. Something we will never be satisfied with....the end to this story.
Growing up, my dad was a volunteer fireman for our community and I remember him going through weeks and weeks (or it could have been months and months, I don't know) of schooling to be an EMT, too. There was a siren in town that would sound off in code (one siren meant something, two sirens meant something different and so on) in our town and he would rush to the town firestation and prepare to go out on the call, whatever it was--a fire, a car accident, a farming accident or whatever. Being a small community, a lot of the time he knew the people who's call he was going to. One day he went out on a call and it was a 5th grade classmate of mine's house. Dad arrived at the scene with the ambulance to find blood everywhere in the house and a young boy on the floor, lying there lifeless, dead of a shotgun wound...by accident with his cousin, also in my class. Since there were only 13 kids in my class, we knew him well. I remember my dad coming home from that call and taking me in his bedroom and telling me what happened--that my classmate had died. Dad was very upset, I could tell. And that was the last call he went on in the ambulance. He quit that job (it was a volunteer job) because it hit too close to home to him. The human factor of his job when he saw the trauma of a kid the same age as his own was too much to handle and he couldn't remove this from his mind anymore. Unlike the attorney's. I wonder if there are any attorney's that represent malpractice cases that have lost a baby due to the negligence of a doctor. And I wonder if that experience makes them better attorney's when representing someone who has gone through what they have. It's kind of like talking to a nurse during your labor and delivery of your rainbow baby and finding out she, too, lost a baby and she, too, had a rainbow. You know she knows exactly how you feel. As her patient, that comforts me. WIthout her even having to say a word. I know she knows. But the legal system doesn't require such. Apparently you don't have to be human, though it would be nice. It might make this process more than just a transaction.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Today was our first day of school. All of us were a bit anxious about the whole thing. Each for our own reasons...but some of the same, too. We have a couple short days before we go full days, so they are off playing the last days of freedom away right now....and I'm home getting done whatever I can when Owen lets me, which today is not much...(so I'm trying not to stress too much about it, despite the huge mound of paperwork and design I have on my plate). Anyway, the first day was a hit. The kids had fun, met new friends and new teachers. Cant ask for much more. And I'm having one of those "holding Owen, missing Chase" days....comes with the emotions of the first day of school, I guess. So very thankful for what I do have...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A few pictures of Owen...
Sitting up...for a few seconds, anyway.
Sucking my thumb.
My half birthday today!
And the never say never part. Tonight, with very little time and effort, I turned this.....
Sweet potatoes and pears here....also apples, bananas and squash so far!
I never thought I'd be making baby food on my own. I would have loved to, but didn't expect to ever have the time with my busy life and chaos. I just "knew" it was a lot of work. But after stumbling upon an article about making your own baby food and, what caught my eye, adding spices to it, I decided to ask my sister for her babycook processer. And let's face it, baby food is not cheap. I was shocked from when I bought baby food last how much the price has gone up. Anyway, it was amazingly easy, pretty quick, and a great feeling to do this. I just hope Owen thinks so, too. We'll find out tomorrow if he likes it. If so, I have some fun surprises for him!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
It doesn't seem like I have much time for my blog anymore....I hope that's not forever. I love writing here but my time truly does get monopolized. And it's only really therapy for me if I can sit here and type my thoughts out uninterrupted and in a continuous stream. But I am not the only one dictating it these days. If not work or the kids or errands or household duties, my little sunshine is with me. In fact, he's on my hip through all of that usually! I don't mind too much, though. Because I know what it's like to not have that "burden", too. And if I get a choice, I chose the former. (and he's kicking me and talking to me as I sit here and type!)
So much has been going on ..... I don't know where to start. That last post is still heavily on our minds. I got a call last week that our depositions are wanted. It completely baffles me that we are the last ones they want to talk to. Aren't we the ones this happened to? Wouldn't we be the first ones to ask what happened that day 2 years, 3 months and 3 weeks ago? I don't know that I'll ever understand the legal system. So we prepare for our turn. I expect the worst. I read the defense's response my attorney's questions a year ago and it was very painful. They actually blamed me for my child dying--the doctor letting me bleed all day long with this healthy baby in my womb was my fault. I certainly expect this to get ugly. Somedays I have no idea why I am going through with this. So I dare anyone who has not held their dying baby in their arms to tell me not to.
At the end of the day, I still miss my baby boy as if it were yesterday I held him. It's still just as painful to look at his pictures...and I have them everywhere. He's never very far from my sight. I think of him every time I hold Owen. Many times I still think Owen looks like Chase as my memory of Chase is so big. Actually, when we finally held him, he weighed almost as Owen does today with all the fluids they had pumped in him. I cry for him. These tears are random, sometimes triggered. The thoughts are constant. I still think of dying and getting to see him. Though I would miss these guys so much that thought is hard to bear as well. A conflict, still. Always. What I have and what I wait for. The hope that one day I really will get to see and hold him again.
Even after 4 kids and 3 of them in my arms, I still marvel at the love Owen can give us and we can give him. He is truly amazing. Everytime I look at him, he smiles. That's all it takes. Just making eye contact. I can't help but pull him close and breathe him in. Kissing him as much as I can. Love is a powerful thing. How can he give so much to us? I don't know. But I remember that feeling in the hospital with Chase, too. How even lying there, with very little physical, tangible response to us, I still felt his love. And I knew he felt our love too. I knew that deep inside me somewhere, that he knew how much we love him. He still knows it, too, I'm sure. Love is so powerful.
Well, this is going on day 2 of this post so I'm going to close for now. School is about to start and we are finishing up swim lessons, going to gymnastics, swimming and library. Can't imagine once school actually does start. I'll hang on for the ride, I guess.