I have said before that during my pregnancy I had followed other blogs of BLMs who were also pregnant with rainbow babies or had just brought a rainbow baby home. I was curious how to live with a rainbow. I was curious what emotions to expect with a rainbow while also grieving a baby lost. I wanted to know what to expect with the fears of bringing a baby home again and the if there would be sadness always prevailing, or if happiness would overrule. I was so excited and happy to be pregnant again, but I really wanted my sweet baby Chase back and I was too scared to think about the what-ifs. Because I knew this baby really would not even be growing inside me if Chase were here. My/our life would be so completely different. So completely normal. Without so much pain....and knowing...
Now I can speak about these things, because now I am here on this journey. And I can say that I am soo completely scared to death. I am so scared that something is going to happen or that something isn't going to be right with Owen. I have read about babies lost after a few weeks old.....I can't imagine. Losing Owen at this point would devastate me. Us. Just like losing Chase. And while my pregnancy was fairly stress-free and worry-free, I don't feel that way anymore. That peace that was over me assuring me that everything would be fine, or that everything was fine right now, is no longer around me. Having Owen in my arms is a constant reminder of Chase. And this is good because I love reminders of him and always thinking about him. But the fact that he isn't here makes these constant reminders haunting in some respects, too. I look at Owen and love him to pieces, like I love Chase. But part of me feels like I traded in one for the other. I couldn't have both so I had to pick. Like if you have ever had that terrible, terrible thought of what if you had to pick between one of your kids, which one would you choose? Maybe I'm the only one who fears that or has thought about that, but it's a horrible feeling. And sometimes I feel that way when I look at Owen. Like he's here because Chase is not, therefore I picked him over Chase. That tears me up inside and some days I'm not sure how to get past that. They are tears just under the surface. Thank God I'm home alone all day because those tears surface occasionally and I just cry. I love Owen so much. So.So.Much. But I miss Chase Just.As.Much.
I've read this on other blogs and know that I'm not alone. The rainbow baby doesn't fix it. We don't expect it to fix it. There are no replacements. But to the outside world, it does. Or should. And people don't understand why we could be sad with such a beautiful, perfect little babe in our arms. But then we don't care about being understood, right? We are here and they are there. There is no crossover. (or very few who can crossover) Two different worlds. And we rely on our new friends, other babyloss moms and dads, to help us through this.
I was in the dr.s office this morning with Owen for a weight check and when the doctor came in to look at him, after she had seen his weight (no gain), I started crying. I wondered if she was looking at me like a mother who was worried about her baby gaining weight, or a mother who had lost a child and was scared to death that her baby was not gaining weight. I think the latter--this doctor is absolutely awesome. She talked me through it and was not really concerned about Owen, but also wanted to see him again to check up on him and make sure we gained some weight next time. But these are the fears that get magnified when you are on this journey. And I wonder if I would have been like this if this was our first child, rather than our last child. Would I want more children? How would have this affected our lives if it would have happened years ago, when we were younger? I am so thankful it didn't. But I am quickly reminded that this shouldn't have happened in the first place. And I shouldn't be on this journey at all.
Here's my rainbow. He warms my heart, keeps me smiling, and I can't wait to see him playing with his brother and sisters. And neither can they!