I don't know what to say. I'm not back to normal. I'm not sure if I will ever be normal again. A friend says, "the new normal." I guess that is what it will be. I have no interest in perusing the internet as often and carefree as I once did so sitting down to write this is particularly hard. Time on the computer feels suffocating to me. Wasted time in a sense. I'd rather spend that time with my family.
I spent 3 days in the NICU with my son wrapped up in tubes, IVs and leads. At the time, those 3 days seemed like 3 weeks. Days ran into nights, there was no clear end. Or we were hoping for no end. Now almost 2 weeks past, I look back on those 3 days and they seem like 3 blinks of the eye. I can't believe how fast they went. I would give anything to have another moment. To breathe him in one more time, to nuzzle my nose on his forehead, my hair tickling his face, kissing, kissing, kissing him so that he might feel my love more directly. I wish I could have held him more, shared him more, felt him more. And it hurts. I don't know when it will get better.
Patric, though, is right. With every ounce of love I had in store for that little being....I must pour it into my other 3 kids. They need it, they want it and they can always have it. Because I will always have the love to give them. I wish Chase was here with us and I will love him spiritually and emotionally for my sake, but physically, I will love my other 3 blessed angels until my dying day with all my heart. And my husband. With every hug, every look, every kiss, and gentle caress of my face, I will go on. My heart has broken with his, but it also mends with his and continues to beat because of his. Without him, I would not be able to go on. His strength has guided me and driven me to get up and keep going. I love him for who he is and who I am because of him. I am so lucky to have him.
You are a part of us, Chase. You always will be. We will never forget how you touched our lives. Until we meet again......I love you baby boy.